I think I just want to throw the DAMN scale out the window!

I really hate starting my postes "Well its been a while!" But it has.... MARCH! As far as weight goes not willing to share my "numbers" today.Right now I really don't care if you wanted to know, I am still not telling!!

The last few months should of been one of those days, but has turned into one of months! I know that there are so many people out there hurting and hurting for the loss of their child or the loss of a parent. For their sick child or whatever is hurting their hart. I think we all have our personal "Emergency's" Today,my weight is NOT my personal emergency or something that I really care about. I know that today I can't change it, I can't wake up and be that size 10 that I would love to be I am who I am and right now at this minute, June 22, 2011 12:26 am, I am okay with it. Tomorrow, maybe a total different thing. (ask me in 24 hours I might be thinking differently)Today I have no emergency's that can't be dealt with in time. I think we run through life just wanting to fix everything or everyone. (Well I was told today that I do that) My whole life I have just wanted to be part of something. Part of anything. Hell at some point I just wanted to be part of a family. I just wanted to be able to lean on someone to know someone was there. I think food became that someone or something. I look back at when my life became what it is today. I regret nothing, okay maybe somethings, most things I do not regret. I am who I am because of the steps that I took.

My daughter is struggling with a lot of the same things I went through. I want to just stick a band-aid on it and kiss it better!! Try to help her through it, but I am the mom and I am DUMB! I think I have learned the most about parenting in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 16 years. I have learned; I can't save them. I can show them the path. I can't push them to the right path. Even though I wish that I could just shove really hard, make them fall and hurt their knees; and then maybe they will have to look up and call out for mommy, like they did when they were 2 (not that I went around shoving my kids.)

I think we grow and have family's of our own. And leave behind old issues or people that were toxic in our life's at some point. I know that my parents did the best that they knew how at the time. I know I am trying to do the best that I can. Sometimes we feel like its not enough or what if? Just like regret, its all wasted energy, wasted time that we could be gathering positive energy from something else.

Those of you that know me and know me well, know that I see a "crazy doctor, a shrink or whatever you want to call it." For me he is my crazy doctor. Not that he is crazy but he helps me understand "my crazy". I use crazy very loosely sorry if your offended. Actually I am not sorry. This about my head and my crazy and chubby ass not yours. Well today was actually a very draining day. My horoscope said it all "Against the advice of your heart, your mouth is totally out of control. That means you may need to do some apologizing. Fortunately, with the look you'll be wearing, no one will hold a grudge." Did I heed its warning??? DO I ever??? NOPE!! Today I really should of. I just sometimes can't shut my "PIE HOLE" (as I tell Allan), Its like I know to shut up but my mouth and my mind wont work together. I had to even tell Allan today to leave the room because I have nothing nice to say. He didn't do anything wrong, I just sometimes get so fed up with everything, everyone suffers.

Shaun (my crazy doctor) has really become to me a friend (yes I have to really pay this friend to talk to me)but I have been seeing him for 7 years I think. I have watched or heard about his kids and some of his life stuff and I think of him as a friend. He is worth the money! ANYWAY-- This might be a rambling post tonight because I have a lot going through my head and a lot I need to get out. I have been keeping a journal and decided that this is a lot easier for me to type than try to write, think and remember and blahhh blahhhhhh! SO like it or not here it is for the world to see. Plus, I might just help someone that I don't even know feel like they aren't the only one who feels like this. "Fat, gross, and full of crazy!" More full of CRAZY today than anything. But whatever, one day I will be normal. (Whatever that maybe)

I know that this was suppose to or started out as my weight loss journey but I have decided this is just a my journey. It all involves my chubby butt. I think that some people think of weight or heavy people as a sign of weakness or a sign of laziness but I really think its just part of our make up. To me its my addiction. Or at least one of them. Food can comfort you and not talk back. It can make you feel full when nothing else will. We eat when we celebrate or we eat when we are sad. We should just be eating to live not living to eat.

I have a cute sweet friend (yes you know who I am talking about) who is about 100 pounds soaked in water. We went to lunch the other day and we were talking about weight. I told her that I was frustrated getting ready to meet her for lunch because she is this cute and a little thing and I feel like a giant COW sitting next to her. She tells me to shut up and I tell her the same and we laughed. She said something to me that really made me think. Yes, people I actually listen and think about what is said to me. Well unless its my brothers being bratty... hahah just kidding they know I listen because they usually make me cry ;) Anyway- my friend said its all relative to how we feel about our self. Or "our comfort number." Then I started to think about my cute mom who is the same tiny little thing and she worries about her being old. And I see her as this young M.I.L.F. Which in school I hated her coming to my school because the boys would always say "Is that YOUR mom?" As if I was some kind of ugly duck and that it was amazing I could belong to her. SO my cute friend that I love so much and wish we had not drifted from high school and had kept in touch all these years, is totally right. If you weigh 98 pounds, 110, 125, 135, or you are 21, 29 , or 50 its all just numbers! Its who you are in the inside and how you treat others. Who cares right???? "I know shut it Jenn we all know you care." I do care and it's truly hard not to. But in the long run of life, in the big picture, things that happen do they really matter??? Okay here is a good way to look at it. Like money, when you die can you take it with you? NOPE so when your life is over and you have lived your life to the fullest you don't have to take your fat ass with you... see YEAHHHHHHH!!!! In heaven you get to be whatever age you want... I think my age would be 25 and I would weigh 135. I don't want to be a skinnyyyyyy super skinny girl just healthy. Wouldn't that be nice, to just have that thought all the time. To think it doesn't matter today. There are much worse things to worry about. I would just hate to be the poor sucker that has to carry my casket!!!! So brothers work out your back's. Oh wait I want to be cremated. My kids will have enough ashes to share between the three of them and Allan if they want to have some of their own jar of my fat burned tissue, bones and all that yuck!

I really wish I knew where I was going with this blog, its just random things that are coming to my head. I have had a lot of thoughts and a lot of tears the last few weeks. I am not going to go into it because its really just to personal but I can tell you that I have ate 4 boxes of skinny cow Mint truffle ice cream. Not just 4 ice creams 4 BOXES!!! There are 6 to each box. I ate one for a snack, dinner and then a sweet snack later all in one night. Its funny how skinny cows can make you feel okay about it because they are 120 or 140 calories but when you eat them all in one day those kinda add up and so did the pounds on the scale. Poor scale!

Well I guess I better get to bed its 1:30 am and that's just way past my bed time. I am going to try to be better and keeping up on this blog, I really enjoy just rambling about really nothing. Plus, it helps get it all out of my head.

MAYBE, and that is one big giant MAYBE I will tell you how much of my weight I have gained back. Tomorrow though rain or shine I will be walking. OHHH and NO more crying. Its just wasted energy that just makes me tired.

Until next time ... Night Night...

Long time now write!

Well its been a while. There has been many ups and downs. I started this journey what seems like forever ago. I started at 218 (if I remember correctly) I got down to 182.... Yeah me.... Then I went back up to 196. I am hanging tight at that weight. Not too happy about it but its better than gaining more . Staying the same is OK, I guess.

I am finding that its easy to loose weight or easier for me when I am not working and trying to go to school. Its amazing how a bag of peanut butter M&M's can make you feel less stressed. I have learned a lot about my self and my eating habits. I guess that is a good step towards healthy living. I am learning I eat if I am happy, sad, just about any emotion. I live to eat! I know that reality is I need to eat to live and make better choices. Sometimes that is just not reality for me. It might not be reality for most people.

I can tell you this I feel better in my jeans, I feel better in my body. I might not be the weight I want to be but I am feeling better and feeling like I am who I am. No one has to love it no one has to even like it. I just need to be okay with who I am. Sometimes its easier to say and feel it. But it is becoming part of my life and who I have to be. There is so much to life and I am not going to miss out on life anymore. Fat jeans or skinny jeans, I will be in them.

I am starting again. I can't take back the time I have lost or try to hurry and loose the weight I gained back. So starting again is all I can do. I have learned a lot about myself and some of my friends. I have a few good ones. One that has been distant with me and that was my fault. I am hoping that this year I will be a better person and learn to shut my own pie whole. Maybe even shut it with an apple instead of a candy bar. :)

Hummmm now what.... ohhh TEENS! Yeah they suck. I love my children and would never change one thing about them. Well maybe make them nice. KayDee is going through some tough things and unfortunately she is going to have to learn the hard way. I have tried the "I love you and would do anything and give you anything." But that isn't working and its clear to me that she wants to go down a road that isn't the right one but at this point in her life there is only so much I can do. I love her but I have to love my other kids too. Tuff love is TUFF! Its hard for me to give it to her but I hope that one day she will see that I love her and would give her the world but she wants to be free and be an adult. Oh how these thoughts of my youth fly through my head and I realize how much like me she is. It scares me and you would think that I would have all the answers on how to make her better. I was asked last night by my sweet cute neighbor Amy-"Jenn, so what are you going to do?" my response " I don't know!" I really don't know. I have no idea where to go at this point with her. She is my child that I love with all my heart. She is my KayDee Bug. How much do I take, though? Her words of I hate you, I hope you die, I never want to see you again. Might only be words but they hurt like someone stabbing me in the heart. I am out of tears out of energy for it.

Well that was a little off of the "Fat topic". I guess I better get back to my school. Thanks for listening or reading.... Thanks for all of your support and love...

Its been a while!

I know its been a while since I have updated everyone on my fatness. So here is the scoop. As of today August 30th I am down 26-28 pounds. That keeps fluctuating. My pants have gone down a size, from a 18 to a 16. My shirts are starting to look like baggy shirts that once clung to ever roll on my body. Sadly my bra size has gone down a size or 2.

I look down and see parts of my body I forgot were there. I was laying in bed the other night and felt my pelvic bone sticking out. I said HOLY COW I have one of those! I kept touching it because I was so proud of it. Allan said "Stop touching it!" I am usually the one that says that to him AHAHAHAH! Its amazing how much better I feel not only physically but mentally about my self. I still have about 40-45 pounds to go but my first goal was to get below 200 and I am there!!! This morning I weighed in at 187. Which is less than I weighed when I did the HCG. When I did that I felt shitty. I was tired, grumpy and felt so run down. This time I feel better. When I went to the Dr last week she said I had lost 5.5 pounds last month. That was good news but the bad news was it was all lean muscle. So this week my goal is to drink more water, start back on the treadmill at least 4 times this week and EAT more protein. I know that I have been stressed out over this KayDee teenage bull shit and have just completely forgotten to eat all of my calories. Now that the kids are back in school and I have a little more time to focus on things I need to do, I am hoping that will help. I am proud to say that I have achieved 3 of my goals since April and that feels pretty good. First goal- get below 200. Second Goal- get out of the 190's. Third goal- 20 pounds by the end of August! CHECK ON ALL! My next goal is to be in the 170's. I find that taking it 10 pounds at a time it helps me focus on the long term goal better. I have also in the last week or 2 been able to cut my medication in half. I was starting to feel on edge and having lots of anxiety. My Dr told me that it was most likely that my medication was too high now and told me to try and slowly take it down half way. So its been a week of being at 40 mg from 80 mg. I feel better. Not so on edge. I hope at some point in my life I will be able to be medication free. But that might be something that is not possible for me. When I started taking it my sweet crazy Dr told me that it might be something I will need for the rest of my life even if it is in small doses. There is a history of depression and anxiety on both sides of my family (even though most don't want to admit it). To me its nothing to be ashamed about. Its an illness and some people suffer from chemical imbalance and some don't. Just like some people have to wear glasses and some people don't. I used to be ashamed of having to be on medication to balance me. Until I went off it one time and saw and felt what it was like without it. YUP I WILL TAKE THE CRAZY PILLS! I joke and say crazy pills and some people think that I am being rude or their feelings get hurt. NO I don't think that I am crazy or anyone else that has to take the pills. So I am sorry if anyone took it the wrong way. Its just me being me. :)

I am sure most of you heard that the girls talked me into a puppy. We had talked about it for a while and I kept going back and forth. My friend had said that puppies are lots of work and take a lot of time. Which was something that even though I am not working find I have little of. I had logged onto the Co-Animal shelter to just take a look at what they had. There was this face that I had to go see. I thought about him all day long and finally said OK girls lets go see this little guy. He is 2 years old (so not a puppy) He is a Yorkie Terrier is what the pound says. He seems a little bigger than a Yorkie. Amanda thinks he is a silky Terrier which really doesn't matter to me. He is just so cute. He has got some abandonment issues though. He doesn't like to be left alone EVER! Which is OK now that he doesn't smell like the pound. Some of you might even be shocked to hear that I let him on my BED! Something I said I would never do. But its hard to say NO to that little face. He is my little shadow when the girls aren't home. This will be the first day that I will need to shower and its like having a baby I don't know how I am going to do it. Allan took Sha to school today and Aubrey and I were still in bed and he started barking and ran in the office jumped into the window and started barking at them. KNOCKED EVERYTHING off the window bench AGAIN! Then he went and showed them and pooped in the basement. It seems like when we leave him alone he poops. Otherwise he has been so good about going out side. He will get our attention and head to the back door.

Allan spent the weekend making sure he couldn't get out anywhere in the yard. Since he seems to be an escape artists. I hate to lock him up when we aren't home and just let him be. But he is naughty and its funny he knows when he has been naughty. His tail goes between his legs, ears and face down. Its hard not to say OHHHHH its OK little guy. Allan has to be the mean one and tell him he is naughty. I do when I have to. But other than the day he escaped from his kennel and tore apart my house he has been pretty good. I am starting to think that we should of named him Shadow though! I can't even pee without him sitting in front of the bathroom door waiting for me to come out. But I am glad we got him. He likes to sleep with Shaleigh and Aubrey gets her little feel bads hurt. I try to tell her not to take it personal he just has a spot on Sha's bed that he likes. He will some time decided he wants to sleep with you too. I think he get smothered by Aubrey. She wants to touch him and be in his face and sometimes he just wants to be alone. Here are a couple of pictures. He has since got a little hair cut because he was un-even and Auntie Amanda fixed him up. Even with little bows :) I know he is a bot. But It was so cute. They lasted like 10 minutes he pulled them out.

20 Pounds GONE BYE BYE !!

I know its been a while since I posted. I have been struggling this month. Not that I have been eating crappy. Well maybe a crap food here and there but nothing like I used to eat. I have been struggling with eating enough calories to keep up with my activity. I lost 3 pounds in July and ALL of it was lean muscle mass!! Not good. I have been doing a lot in the yard. So I am sure that was a lot of it. But I just get so busy I forget to eat. Which is not good. So this month my goal is to not loose any muscle.

On the brighter side. I am down 20 pound and 4.5% of my BMI since I started this journey. I have learned a lot about myself and my body. I was at the dentist office the other day. We have been going there for along time and they are all practically family. I sit behind the desk and talk to the girlie's there. Well they are all on a loose weight kick. They had a scale and I just jumped on it. Didn't even think twice about them seeing how much I weigh. Because I think the number has now become a number and it doesn't matter how much you weigh its how you feel about the way you look. I still don't feel 100% good about my self but I feel a lot better. I also feel more energy and want to actually do things. Other than sit and watch TV.

I took KayDee school shopping the other day and I tried on some pants and I am down from a very tight 18 to a comfortable 16 which means soon down to a 14. I would love to just be a 10. Like I have said before I am not looking to be a tooth pick just a healthy weight for my hight and my body frame.

I have also been reading this book "Eat Right for Your Blood Type." Its pretty interesting. I am seeing that some of the food that is not for my blood type is food that makes my tummy upset. Like Dairy! Its pretty interesting I recommend reading it.

Well I guess I will get back to work or at least start to work on painting KayDee's room.

FINALLY!

Got on the scale this morning and I have finally broke threw the plateau 190.0 YEA!!!! 1 more pound to go and I have got to my second goal! To be out of the 190's!

I was watching Loosing it with Jillian the other night. SHE is one tuff cookie!! She was screaming in this lady's face and she yelled "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" I yelled at the TV "That I want to PUNCH you in your FACE!" I hear my kids in the other room start laughing. I think I might either break down and cry or I just might punch her in her face if her or anyone was screaming at me like that. I hate yelling. Though I find myself doing it sometimes. I guess its my way of saying "YOUR NOT LISTENING!" I feel bad when I yell but some of you will find that when your kids get to be teenagers sometimes its the only way to get your point across and even then you wonder if they heard you. I look back on all the naughty things I did growing up and see my kids doing some of them and all I have to say is "MOM, DAD and RICHANE I am sorry for being a bratty teenager! But you can rest assure that I am getting my pay back! I was just a boy crazy girl and drove them nuts. Now I have my very own Boy crazy girl! I think I have 2 more waiting to come out

and be BOY CRAZY!!!

Anyway--- WOW I got of track there for a minute.

I have started not only writing everything that I eat but the calories too. I have also been writing how many calories I burn on the treadmill. OK so to be honest I did it one day and that was yesterday. But I am doing it again today. I think it helps to know how many calories you are eating so that you don't eat too much or you don't eat enough. Its such a fine balance between the two. I really hate thinking about every freaking thing I eat but it helps. I figure by the time I am were I want to be I will just know and not have to think about it anymore. LETS HOPE!

I really have not felt deprived or hungry. I have had my belly growl because its hungry and I just try to pick something that is good for me instead of grabbing a bag of chips.

On our trip to California on the way down there we stopped in Elko to sleep and got a burger and McDonald's, talk about YUCK!!! I didn't get French fries I have not had fast food grease since April I think. I did have the low fat parfait so I didn't feel so guilty but boy did my gut hurt from that burger!! Then on the way home I tried it again. WHY I TORTURE MY SELF IS BEYOND ME! A burger just sounded good and when you are the road there is not much to choose from. And yep sure as shit my tummy hurt.

Traveling is not good when you are trying to loose weight. Driving I think is even worse. I gained

so much water weight that it was sick! I wanted to cry when I got on my moms scale and it said 198.5. Ok I actually did CRY! I had not seen that number in months and I did not like it! But I know it was water because as fast as I gained it. I lost it again. Plus I had on sweat capries and they left huge indents in my calves. It was like I was prego and the water weight was just there. You would push into my legs and it would leave indents. My ring was just re-sized from a 4 2/3 to a 4 1/4 and it was squeezing my figure!! STUPID WATER WEIGHT! Sucks being a girl sometimes. But then if I was a boy I

would not be able to have super cute shoes and purses!!!

Well I better get off the computer and get my butt on the treadmill so I can go see my friends baby and kiss his face!!!

No Energy!

I am sitting here on my butt thinking I should really get my butt down stairs and get on the treadmill. But I have no energy. I have been keeping track of my calorie intake because I am a stuck point of 191.2 been sitting here at that weight for a few days (except when I was in California and some how gained 8 pounds of water. I was so swollen that my sweats left deep imprints in my calves.) Anyway-- I have noticed that I am averaging about 230 calories a meal which is only 690 Calories a day (not counting snacks). So I think that explains the sudden stop in weight loss. I am not eating enough. I can't win for loosing here! I either eat too much get fat or not eat enough and stay the same fatty. Well at least I know what I need to do. I am going to go get my giant butt on the treadmill and eat more food!

Drivers License

Yesterday I had to go get my Drivers Licenses renewed. It was going to expire the next day. Talk about procrastination! On my way there I was thinking about my weight. Because I have lied on my drivers license weight for as long as I can remember. BUT not this year. I put the amount I weighed that morning which was 191. I hesitated a lot when writing that number. I thought maybe I should put the weight that I want to be at. Then I thought NO the person doing my license will think OH MY HELL she is so lying! Then I decided to write the correct amount so that I can look back and see what a chubby fat ass I really was and have prof that the day before my birthday my weight was at 191. Because I woke up this morning and weighed in at 196. NOT happy about that. I am so super swollen this morning. BLAHHHHH I hate being a girl! I am sure it had nothing to do with the popcorn I ate while watching a movie last night. :)

Well this will be a short blog today. I have lots to do. I will try to keep up on my weekly blogs on my weigh in days Tuesdays of every week!

One more thing. This picture of me and my Grandma Missy. I was almost one in this picture and today I am 36 years old. I hope that she is in heaven smiling down on my being proud of the person I have become. I love and miss you so much Grandma!