Never Just Try

SOOOO Yes I have been bad the last two days. Well not totally bad. Just didn't post or work out for two days. I tried to eat pretty healthy. Not totally perfect but it could of been worse.

Yesterday I was consumed with a book and that's why I didn't work out. If its worth anything it was a book about changing your life style and working out. :) The book is called "Choose To Lose" By Chris Powell. He did the ABC show Extreme Make over, weight loss edition. I have to be honest I never saw one of the shows but he was on Dr. Oz (yes I am a Oz addict.) I really like his book because its about changing your life not just a diet. He made a good point in his book. Diet isn't a bad word. Its something that we are all on. Whether its a healthy diet or an unhealthy diet. I liked that definition much better. I have said from the beginning that I am not on a diet I am changing my life style. That is what attracted me to this book. He has great ideas that seem to be do able. Not like some of these "diets" that are very hard to do and don't give you many options and require gyms or equipment. This book or his ideas are more realistic and do able. If you are working on your self and just want to feel better check this book out.

Something that was in the book that really stuck in my head was a quote. And most of you that know me know that I have never in my life seen a Star Wars movie or have a desire to. This quote was quoted in the book from Yoda he said, "There is no try. There is do or don't do." I thought how wise this little green guy is. (Yes I do know who he is) I thought how true this statement is. We always say we are going to try. Or at least I do. I never say I am going to do this! I say "I am going to try this for a month and see what happens." I never give my self the full commitment of saying I am going to do this for the rest of my life. I try to give myself that out by saying "Here is my short term goal." I never look at the whole picture. I have never looked at what the out come would look like because I am scared to let myself down. That must come from being a child and always being disappointed by someone in one way or the other. Chris Powell says to see the out come to see what it would look like to be and feel thinner or to feel healthier. To look at the big picture. He says to give your self a title of what you want to become, a triathlete, an athlete, a healthy person or whatever you want to become. I haven't decided what I want to be yet. I know I want to be healthy but I have always wanted to run in a marathon, but knew I would die if I did or at least fall over 5 minutes into the race. I know there are a lot of people that walk some of those but I want to be the one to run the entire thing and know that I did it. That I ran the whole way. I also want to be the hot mom. The mom that takes her kids to school and the other moms look at me like they hate me. LOL just kidding I don't want them to hate me, we all know I hate it when people are mad or hate me. I want to be more than a pretty face. I hate it when people say you have such a pretty face and such a cute personality. I want them to say you have a nice ass Jenn!!

Today I got out of bed with a whole different out look. I was tired and still wanted to lay in bed and sleep but I didn't. I rolled out of bed (which is something else I want to do is get out of bed not roll out) and got dressed, got my water, turned on Tory and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood and got on the treadmill. I know what you are thinking. Tory Spelling and Dean, Jenn what the hell! I can't help it I am addicted to it. Plus looking at her cute little body helps me stay on the treadmill longer. His treadmill work out kicked my butt. Its not a work out that you have to have a treadmill you can do it outside. I am just lucky enough to have a treadmill. All of his work outs are work outs that you don't need fancy equipment your body is your equipment, as Chris Powell actually said in his book. I think that the struggle I am going to have is eating. He requires you to eat every 3 hours. I am so guilty of skipping meals. He also says that people who are over weight aren't always people that over eat they are people that don't eat enough. That is me. I related with this book in so many ways.

So my new out look is DO! There is no more trying or not doing there is only do!

Dragging Ass!

Today I laid in bed for an hour just knowing once I was up I would have to get on the scale. I was not looking forward to it. I haven't yet said my weight because I hate that I have gained so much of it back. But I was 204 when I started and I am now down to 199.2. Hard words for me say. Hard numbers for me to say. I am hoping that it keeps me motivated. I know we all become so consumed by that number on the scale. I was bummed when I got on there today because I was down to 198.2 on Saturday. I know I ate poorly this weekend but didn't blow the whole weekend. Today I am going to make a list of meals for the week for dinner and go shopping. Dinner is hard for me, I am running out of things to make. I am running out of things the kids like. I also struggle with vegetables.

I go to the store and come home with good intentions. I just forget about them or don't feel like eating them. I get told or read so many books and so many people have so many different ideas of what right way is to eat or loose weight. I am so confused. I think my whole life I have been on a Yo-yo diet. I know that its not good for you body to go through the ups and downs. I know that when you do the quick fix diets you just end up going back to bad habits and then gain it all back plus some. I should be the spokes person or modle of what a yo-yo dieter looks like. You name it I have done it. This time I want a different result and a different out come for life not just for the moment. I wanna stop playing with my yo-yo!!! Bad habits are super hard for me to break, as I am sure they are for most people. Food is hard for me. I love to eat and I am a total emotional eater especially when I am stressed. I know what you are thinking "MAN she must be one stressed out girl to have a booty like that!" I have tried to just love my curves and just except who I am. But I am not happy in my own skin. I hate looking in the mirror. Yeah I know what your all thinking and saying because you all have said it to me before. "Your so cute Jenn and you always look cute." I don't want to be the cute chubby girl anymore. I want to be the hot friend. I want to be able to walk into a store and look at something on a mannequin and say I want to try that on and it look better on me than the mannequin. Shopping for me is not always fun. That is why I choose to buy purses and shoes more than anything. I have a lot of cloths but I hate most of them on me. Its really sad because I think about how much money I spend to make my self feel and look better but its just never enough I still feel awful about the way I look.

WOW, that was not where I was going with this whole blog entry. I am suppose to be thinking positive thoughts. But they are thoughts that are going through my head today.

Well I guess that is all for today. Hope you all have a great day.

Post 11

Yesterday I forgot to log on and post. OPPS! It was a pretty bad day as far as eating and working out. There was no workout and I ate M&M's from the bag while watching TV late at night. Man when I mess up I go all out. I am not giving up and saying oh well weekend shot to hell. Just move on to today.

SO today! I got up and got on the treadmill, did some strength training with my band, sit ups and push ups. The work out video is getting old so I thought I would change it up a little.

I have been stressed about this job thing. I feel like they just keep putting me off. Which they are. He put me off again until next week. I do have an interview with someone else in the same office for a different job. Its just a receptionist position but its full time with benefits and the other one is part time and no benefits. The part time one is more of something that I would want to do. But benefits are good. Anyway--I think that is part of my eating yesterday. I am stressed on what the best thing to do is. I also have moved onto the next faze of the jail job. That one would be interesting and has good benefits but shitty hours. I haven't even gotten an interview yet so I am really counting my chickens before they hatch. I guess I just hate not knowing and want to try to think about all the positives of all the potential jobs. Who knows I could end up with none. However, I am feeling confident that I will have a job by February. At least mid February. That might just be positive thinking but remember I am trying to do that more often. Its hard to look at the glass half full sometimes.

Like this morning I am laying in bed listening to Allan snoring like a bear. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to get up and work out. I had time to think about how much better I feel when I work out. I thought about the positive things of why I need to work out. Instead of why I didn't want to get my fat ass out of bed.

I got on the scale yesterday and had lost another pound. So I am down 5 pounds. I am disappointed that I haven't continued to loose a pound a day. I think it may have to do with my eating habits. I need to eat more and more often. Its hard for me to eat all the time I feel like that is all I do is think about food. What is the right food, what is the right amount of food. BLAH so much to think about while loosing weight. It almost becomes an obsession. I hear that it soon will become second nature. Can't wait for that to happen.

Well I guess I better get on with my day. Thanks for reading my ramblings and my side tracked thoughts.

Half Full or Half Empty

This morning Allan told me that I need to start looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. I was frustrated because the people I am suppose to have my third interview with keep changing the date. They are really busy and today I got an email that said he was sorry but he was going to have to put it off another week. But if I found something else in the mean he would understand and wished me the best. I guess I read it as never mind thanks for applying but I wish you the best. Allan had to stop me and tell me to re-read it and stop looking at the glass half empty.

I guess I really do with all things. I am a pessimist. I guess I feel like if I see the worst and it turns out bad I wont be disappointed. If it turns out good then YEAH! Here is my first positive thought. I haven't lost weight since Monday but I haven't gained any either! (I KNOW I AM NOT SUPPOSE TO BE ON THE SCALE UNTIL MONDAY) I have stayed the same. I am still under the big old 200 mark. Yeah for that! Well I didn't work out yesterday but I ate well. I have noticed though that I need to eat more and more often. Today I started out with a protein shake and at 11 I will have some oatmeal or scrambled eggs. Its lunch that I get caught up on. I wont eat again until dinner. I need to be eating breakfast, snack lunch, snack and then dinner. I am going to work on that and see what happens. I did work out today. It totally kicked my ass!! I think I am going to change it up and do the treadmill next week. I heard somewhere that if you change it up and trick your body you get faster or better results. I guess that is all for today. Thank you to all of you that keep me inspired and actually read my ramblings.

Work out SMURKOUT!

I am having a hard time getting my ass down stairs to work out. I know that means I really need to. I just don't wannnnnnaaa. Instead I am sitting here watching The Price is Right. Don't judge! My kids already tell me grandmas watch that show!

I am frustrated too at the people that want me to come in for a third interview. They keep putting me off. The partners can't seem to get all together at once. It makes me wonder if they really want me to come in. My interview was suppose to be on Monday and its now Thursday! He said he would get back to me yesterday and I have yet to hear from him. Its frustrating.

I guess this didn't really have much to do with working out other than I don't want to. I am going to at least get on the treadmill or at least that is my plan. I will let you know tomorrow if I make it.

I work out!!!! WIggle Wiggle

Wiggle Wiggle, is what I felt like as I was working out. Man today kicked my butt. I had a harder time working out today than I did yesterday. I am a little nervous because I am suppose to move to the next level of DVDs on Monday. This one is still kicking my ass. The thought of working out now doesn't make me go AWWW SUCK! I don't wannnnnaaa do it. I actually look forward to doing it. However, today I was wanting to stop. I might have to change it up and get on the treadmill tomorrow. I just need to stay active.

I did get on the scale AGAIN today. I swear I have no will power. I lost 1.2 pounds. I am going to have Allan hide it from me and not let me have it until Monday. I was surprised at my loss because I was emotional eating yesterday. I have been waiting for this job interview to happen. One of the owners is trying to get 3 other partners together at the same time and isn't having any luck. I was frustrated because I would like to get it over with and find out if I got the job. I did try to eat healthy but last night I had cheesy toast (on white bread). I know that was a bad one. I am not going to dwell on it and give up. I am just going to move on and do better today. I haven't blown it. I think that sometimes we get caught up in the one mistake. We often think that since we ate something that wasn't healthy that we blew the whole day or week and give up and start over either the next day or the next Monday. Am I right? You know I am. We can't let that yummy cheesy toast come between us and our goals. I know that the cheesy toast was a bad choice but I think of all the good choices I made the whole day. I know that sometimes its hard to over look the bad and see the good. Most times the good out weigh the bad. Man, I am full of positiveness today. My crazy doctor would be so proud! Here is a positive from yesterday, I didn't have a diet coke! I actually really haven't craved one. The love maybe going away. It has been a long love affair but its time to move onto something else. Like water!! I have realized that I wasn't drinking any water on some days. I would add lots of ice and figured that when it melted into the coke that would count as some water. I know duh Jenn!!

Well I guess I better wrap up this rambling and get to blow drying my hair. Those of you that know me and my hair will be a curly mess if I don't do it soon!

Day 9 of work outs!!

Man I am tired today. I am sure being out late with the girls at BUNKO didn't help. But it was fun and nice to get out of the house.

I defiantly see the difference in the way I work out when I am tired. I tried to sleep in a little but as soon as my eyes open that is it for me. My brain turns on and I am done. Its like a switch, brain on running thoughts here they come. Anyway-- I managed to pull my way through the work out even though all I wanted to do was stop. What motivated me was when I looked down and saw my jelly roll. I really hate that belly.

I did get on the scale today even though I said I wouldn't and I was MAD! I didn't change one bit. I really need to stay off that stupid thing! What I need to do is hide it. Well have Allan hide it from me. I am addicted to it. I am person that needs instant gratification. I need to see it now. I know that I am building muscle as well as burning fat but I would like the number to go down! I know what you are thinking and if you have read some of my posts in the past, I said I didn't care about the number. I LIED! I do care! That number means weight loss. Now I know that when you gain muscle you loose fat and muscle weighs more than fat... BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Just let those numbers drop from me. It motivates me. I think that is why I was so motivated that first week because I lost a pound a day. STUPID SCALE!

This week my challenge is not have diet cokeall week. I have done pretty good I haven't had one since Sunday. I haven't even craved it. However, I haven't been able to give up my coffee. That one will be hard to kick if I even kick it. I always use no sure sweeteners and sweet and low or Triva to sweeten it. I count it as my calorie intake. Will see. If I get to a point where I am not loosing I will try it and see what happens.

Well I better get off to the shower I am stinky!