Two Posts in one week!

WOW! Can you believe that in two days I have managed to post in two days. I thought this was a good time to blog about my shitty night last night. I laid in bed last night for 3 hours wishing I could have a cookie, a candy bar, or something sweet. I don't know what the deal was but I was loosing sleep over it. STUPID I know! I tried taking Tylonal PM to make me fall asleep and forget about it. Well instead of falling asleep I managed to get my ass out of bed and eat 4 fruit roll ups and WAFFLES! Even though I used spray butter and sugar free syrup, I still ate way too much sugar. I feel fast asleep right after that. I am so mad at my self and want to kick myself. I had to get up early to take KayDee to school today. I came home and tried to go back to sleep but all I could think about was my big fall down last night. I got my ass up, drank a protein shake and got on the treadmill. 35 minutes later and 1.5 miles I decided to get off and do some house work. I am so disappointed in myself and wish I could take all that stuff out of my body. I was doing so well. I know I can't get hung up on it but I felt like if I shared then I would be less likely to do it again.

Why do those cravings just take over our lives sometimes? Why is it easier for others than for some? Food sometimes has got to be like an addiction. RIGHT? Because last night I felt like a drug addict. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Nothing was going to get it off my mind. Now that I think about it, it does seem as though it is an addiction. DAMN! I thought shopping was my vice I guess I have two. I have no will power some times and it really makes me sad that I am trying to teach my children to have control of their emotions and their thoughts. Not to let things over come themselves and yet their mother is up at midnight eating waffles and fruit roll ups.

I know I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad or when I am celebrating something. But I thought I had more control than this. This morning I feel shitty physically and emotionally. My tummy is killing me. Hopefully that will teach me a lesson.

LIES LIES and more LIES!!

I was sitting here stewing about the number on the scale this morning. Then I remembered my last blog. I blogged about not caring what that number is. WELL I LIED! Its bugging me today. I feel like I have gone backwards in my effort to loose weight. I went to the doctor and told them not to tell me how much I weigh because I am trying to not focus on the number. But then caved in a few days later and got on the scale. It's easy to lie to your self when you don't know the actual number. I had to look, after I put on my pants that were my "FAT PANTS" and they were tight!! I wanted to cry that day. But when I got on the scale I thought it was going to say 220, I was surprised when the number was 202. Which is still WAY more than I wanted it to say. But felt good that my first goal gets to be loose enough to get under that 200 mark. Which is just 3 pounds. Then when I got on this morning (which I broke my own rule, I was only going to get on it on Mondays) and it said 204! What the F*%$! I was pissed. I have been working out, I know that has part to do with it. But it still pisses me off. Why can't I be like other people and just change all my habits and loose the weight fast. I hate you people that just think about loosing 10 pounds and its gone. What is up with that? Or the person that just stops drinking soda and 16 pounds gone! I have had one soda in 8 days and I gain!? Did I mention I hate those people that have a high metabolism and can eat whatever they want and NOT gain an pound. YUP I hate you all! Okay not really, I just wish it was as easy for me. I think I am at the point where I need another push I am loosing my momentum again. The first week is easy for me then I get to the second week and want to just loose a pound and that will keep me going for another week. But when I gain it just makes me want to give up. I am thankful for Lonnie she keeps me moving. Having a workout buddy helps me tons! Well I guess that is enough of my complaining I need to get MOVING!