Give me a WHOOOOT WHOOOTT!!

Well its Sunday and its been 3 days since my Dr's appointment. I woke up this morning worried because I had a beer and Apple pie. I not only had Apple pie 1 time but I have 2 pieces because Allan wanted his warmed up and with ice cream and I thought MMMMM that sounds good. So I said What the hell!!! Well I ran down stairs and I am down another 3 pounds and I am half a pound from being under the BIG 200!! I know that I am over obsessed with the scale, but now that its down stairs "hidden" from me I have to actually GO DOWN STAIRS, so I look at as a little bit more of exercise to add to the trip and the torment of seeing my weight.

Why we as women get so caught up in the NUMBER. Its just a stupid number and we all know that we fluctuate 3-5 pounds in days. I feel like when I get down and then go back up and then down again, its OK now. Because I know there will be a point were I will finally stick to the lower number and start the cycle over and never see that high number again. Unless of course I stop working on it. I hope that makes sense.

I am learning that I can still eat the foods I like but I am learning to make them a different way. Or find an alternative healthy brand. I have also fall in love with those FULL bars. They are really good. Allan doesn't like them but to me they taste like a small treat. The chocolate on so far is my favorite. I keep Nature Valley Granola bar stashed every where. In my purse, in my car. When I notice that my tummy is growling because I have become too busy to think about eating I grab one. Takes the hunger away until I can get home and eat something healthy, instead of stopping and grabbing a fast food. I am learning a lot about eating. Its important and you need it to live. But I think that is the key you Eat to live not Live to eat. Food is really something to enjoy but also be careful about your choice. You can still eat and eat good food. I sometime forget to eat because my medication makes me not want to eat sometimes. But after seeing my Dr she told me that its SOOOO important not to skip meals or just not eat. That was proven when she did the body mass test and I lost more lean muscle than actual fat. Your body will break down the lean before it will the fat if you are on empty because it takes more work to break down the fat. So ladies or guys if you are working out on an empty stomach, STOP!!! I am trying the protein drinks this week and see how that works out. I have to add strawberry's and bananas because it gives more servings of fruit and it takes like a treat and not PROTEIN! She told me to eat a egg or oatmeal also that is good protien when working out. But I am not and never really been a morning eater. I hardly ever ate breakfast so will see how this works for me.

Well thanks for all of you that give me encouragement and make be feel beautiful no matter my pant size!! Ohhhh speaking of pants. I bought some pants in March while I was visiting my family. I didn't try them on (I know nothing new for me) took them home and they were a little tight. So they have hung in my closet. Well I tried them on last night and they FIT!!! I actually had room in the waste !!! BUT since I am SHORT they were too long. I thought about taking them and having them hemed but you know what I am not going to be in them for long ( I can feel it) so I am going to pull a Heidi and just cut them off. :)

Well I better run I have to Aubrey off to her Jobbies thing and start my day. Thanks again for all your support!

9 Pounds see You later!!

Okay So I just got home from the Doctor. I lost more than I thought. Turns out my scale isn't as off as I thought. I lost 9 pounds!! I was so excited when I saw that . I am 5 pounds from my first goal. I lost 4% of my BMI but I lost more lean muscle than she wanted me to so I am now having to either drink a protein shake or a egg before I work out. I lost 5% lean body mass. Turns out that working out on an empty stomach isn't good for you. I always thought that if you do it on an empty tummy your energy will come from your stored fat. But that is not the case. It pulls from your lean muscle because its easier to break down. So I learned something new today!! She said that I will get better results by eating more protein especially since I have been working out. I love this lady!! I think she is going to be one of the keys to my weight loss. She watches me close and makes sure I am not loosing the wrong kind of fat or that I am not starving my self. She even told me that I have to eat more...... HUMMMMM Never been told that before!! This seems to be working for me and I am so glad its been a real process to loose weight. Its always been a diet and I am looking at it different I am making better choices and better choices are leading me to a healthy me. I am not looking to be a super model and weigh 110 pounds. I actually would like to be about 135. I feel like that is not too skinny and a healthy weight for my body type. So will see. But as for now .... SEE YOU LATER 9 POUNDS YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME ON THIS BODY!!!!

DR DAY!

Today is my appointment with my "FAT" DR ( she is not fat she just helps me with my fat). I got on the scale here and according to my scale I am down 6 pounds and stayed at that number for about a week. My scale says 203.6, the Dr's scale said last month that I was 213. But my scale is 4 pounds different. Anyway AGAIN with the numbers. I am worried that when I go she is going to be saying "Jenn your not loosing it fast enough." But I feel like I work pretty hard and I have made some HUGE steps and hope that she sees that too and not just my fat number on the scale.

I know that changing a life style that you have had most of your life is so hard to change at the age of 35, YES almost 36. But slowly I am coming around and making better choices when I eat.

Yesterday was one of those days and I didn't eat enough calories or food. I waited to long to eat breakfast and it ended up being lunch. Then by the time I got home I was so exhausted and STRESSED, I thought about just ordering PIZZA. MMMM the hot cheese and bread MMMM. BUT I snapped out of it came too and ate a granola bar to hold me until dinner. I did end up eating a little Mac & Cheese because I was lazy and had taken a zanex to calm my nerves and then just wanted to lay down and not move. I don't feel guilty about it. I think that is a key thing with trying to loose weight. If you slip up or you indulge in something that isn't on your plan, don't get so caught up in it and say "Well I have completely ruined my day. I might as well finish off the day with a 1/2 a gallon of ice cream and start over tomorrow." Move on in that moment don't beat your self up or you will find your self in this cycle of spinning back to old habits. That is one thing that I have learned from this life long journey.

I never really looked at food as an addiction. But it really is. There is no difference between picking up a cheese burger to make your self feel better, than picking up a beer or some drugs. they are both comforting you. Taking you out of the moment. Taking you from what you are feeling. There is a high with it. You are in control of it. Most of my life I felt out of control. But the one thing I could control, or so I thought, was the amount of food I took in. I would go through fazes where I would starve myself and then I would binge because I was starving. I was talking to a good friend today, who has also struggled with her weight, we were talking about those people that get stressed and can't eat. We both were like PASS IT ON OVER! If you aren't going to eat I will. I am such a stress eater. I have decided to change that. When I am stressed I am going to either go for a walk or Blog. Blogging has seemed to help me a lot. I used to think "who wants to hear what I have to say?" But you know just getting it out almost like a journal has helped me. I do love it when people make comments but really just being able to get it out of my head and on paper or computer has helped.

One of the challenges for me has been learning to eat to live instead of living to eat! I have also learned that you can have some of the same foods that you love you just have to make them a little differently. Sour cream YUMMMM but I actually don't even miss it. I love to have a red potato with a little drizzle of extra virgin olive oil and some Misses Dash seasoning tastes so much better to me. And I don't get sick after eating it. Coffee is another one. LOVE LOVE Dark Chocolate Mocha.... MMMMMM But I can still have my coffee I just make it with Light Vanilla soy milk and splenda. Its not chocolate. But you know I just thought of something I could get light Chocolate soy milk to add that touch of chocolate. HUMMM I am for sure going to have to try that. I love my coffee in the morning!!! I have also replaced chocolate with DARK chocolate. I know what you are thinking its still candy. But the thing I like about it is that you eat a couple pieces and the craving for candy is gone. When I would eat just regular milk chocolate I could eat it until my tummy hurt. Then left me craving more. The Dark doesn't do that to me. Its strange.

Well its time to hit the shower and get ready for the Dr. Thanks to all of you that listen and help me with ideas.....

Ramblings of My Brain This Morning

This morning I had to get up to take care of my poor little KayDee. She flew over the top of her bike and needed me to bandage her up before she went to school. I hate it when my girls get hurt. It hurts me to see them hurting. She is not the most graceful girl, she gets that from her mom!

Anyway--I decided that since I was up I might as well take the girls to school, which is something I hate doing! I hate all the crazy parents trying to get in and out of the circle! I usually wont take them to the circle if I drive them. But because of kayDee having a hard time walking I decided to. After I got home I thought, HUMMMMM I am going to get on the treadmill and get it over with. I didn't beat my time but I still did 3 miles in 59 minutes and total work out 62 minuets. I got off feeling disappointed in myself. But then I decided to change it around and make it a new goal. My new goal is to get up not later than 7 and get on the treadmill first thing. I know that I will feel better all day because its out of the way and have more energy.

I always thought that people were crazy when they talked about things in your life holding your fat on your body. REALLY?? I would think. But you know I really think its true. I recently faced some family issues that have been there for along time. Its too much to really get into right now. But I have felt like there was a whole in my heart for years. Facing those issues and filled my heart. I have chosen to look forward instead of backward. I have chosen to let go of all the pain I had in my heart. I am standing up to people that I have always been afraid to stand up to. I always worried if I did they wouldn't love me anymore. Turns out thats not true. They might not like what I have to say but they will still love me. Love is about loving with boundaries not conditions. Sometimes we just have to say it. Its not always easy but I feel that since I have been dealing with all this family stuff and trying to loose weight, its becoming easier. Its easier to love myself enough to know that I am worth being healthy and being strong both in body and in mind.

Loving yourself has to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. Its easy to love another person. But to love everything about yourself is hard. I think that we as women are harder on ourself than we are on anyone. We expect to take care of life for everyone around us. Alot of the time we don't even take 5 minutes for ourself. Being unemployed has given me that time. I keep beating myself up for my last job loss. But when I look at it from a distance and pull out the emotion I know that it just was not a good fit. There is a reason I am not working. I have never had a hard time getting a job. I know that I am worth hiring. I honestly think there is a reason I am not. Maybe its so I can have this time learn to love myself and get healthy. I am not looking to be a super model or super thin person. I just want to be healthy! I want to be able to have a healthy heart and be able to go for walks out side and not be completely out of breath from just walking. I want to get dressed and feel good about who I am. Feel strong in my mind and in my body.

I have come along way in the last few years. There was a time in my life that driving at night was scary for me. Forget about working.... I was so afraid to talk to people. Some of you have seen me grow or might not even know the things I have over come. I can over come anything I put my mind to. I just need to put my mind to it. Sometimes the anxiety gets me or slows me down. But I am working every day to face the fears that are put in front of me. I might do well one day and I might not do so well on other days. But at least I can say I am trying and trying is half the battle. Right???

Mondays = Procrastination!

Its Monday 11:16 am. I woke up this morning at 9 am. I know WOW thats sleeping in. But when you have an awesome husband to be that gets up and takes your girls to school so I can sleep in, its easy to do. I am not sure he knows how much he means to me and all that he does to support us while I am not working means to me. There are not many men that would do the things he does for me and my girls. They aren't his kids and he doesn't have to love them or even try to like them. He makes them part of his life even when they are moody little shits!!! Sometimes its hard for me to like their little moody asses and I am their mom!!

Anyway-- Back to point.

So I got up with all intention of going straight downstairs to get on the treadmill. I even took a load of laundry down with me. Went down there and forgot my water so had to come back up. And well here I sit still upstairs. BUT I did drink my water :)

I think sometimes just starting is the hard part. I know that once I am on the damn treadmill the first 15 minutes sucks but then when I am done and have beat my last time I feel awesome. I never get off the treadmill and say "Shit I shouldn't of done that!" I always am glad I did. I do always say if i don't get on it "Shit I suck and a lazy fat ass!"

I look at thin people and think "I don't get it? How do they do it?"Food has always been a comfort for me. I never drank alcohol until I was in my late 20's because I was a good little church girl. So the food was my addiction. I also know that I have a shopping addiction too. I am really working hard on that. But one thing I have notice that in my shopping I buy 2 things the most. Purses and shoes!! I am starting to see why those 2 items are bought more than anything that I buy. I know its because a purse doesn't have to fit any part of my body. I have a small foot so buying shoes isn't embarrassing when I check out and have a 6.5 shoe. I hate checking out when I am buying pants or any clothing. Thoughts will just run wild in my head. What will she think as she is checking me out. Is she looking at the size of my pants. Will she look at me and think FAT ASS Do something about it. I always look for the chubby checker!! I like to go shopping at stores like Torid or Lane Bryant because when I go in there they make you feel beautiful and I can wear the smaller sizes in those stores instead of the bigger sizes in the store. Torid is my favorite because the girls in there are so friendly and treat you like you are the only customer in the store. When I go, there are a couple of girls that just want to dress me up. I love it and feel like a movie star. But when I go to stores like Khols I have a hard time buying cloths there because I am so worried someone is going to see what size I wear and see that dreaded size 18W pants. Yup I said it!! As my heart was racing about the thought of telling you all my pant size. Part of my healing is being honest about every part of this journey, so I just put it out there for all to see. I think the more I share that maybe that will make me want to work harder and being a smaller size. I know that size doesn't matter and its how you feel about your self. But every time I get dressed I want to cry! I have some cute things to wear but I feel like a giant marshmallow!!! I see other girls that are bigger than I am and they were some reviling things and I think " Why can't I have that confidence? Why can't I just love who I am and not worry about what everyone else thinks or says?" I guess its just part of who I am. I worry. It runs in my family. My mom worries a lot and so does her mom and so on and so on. I don't want to rub that off on my children. I am afraid it already has on the 2 older girls. They both worry but about 2 totally different things. Shaleigh wears a jacket every where to cover up her worry. She will wear that jacket in 100 degree weather. But I know how she feels. I used to do the same thing. Even in my adult years. I always look forward to fall for 2 reasons. I can wear a jacket again and not have sweat in every roll that I own! The worst is the sweat under the boobs!!! I have always been big chested. Well not always it seems like the summer between 8th and 9th grade they grew over night. Then having kids they got bigger. My boobs were so big that when I was 9 months pregnant you couldn't tell because my boobs stuck out farther than my tummy. I had a boobie do! (My boobies stick out farther than my tummy do). I guess we all wish had something that we don't have or wish we had something else we had to worry about. In the end I know that we all have our struggles and trials. We are all given only what we can handle and its up to us to handle it all.

With that being said its 12:18 pm now and I am getting my butt down stairs on that damn treadmill!!!!

Free days....

Today has been a super hard day for me. I am grumpy and just want some comfort food. Yesterday I had a BBQ to go to. I made sure to get on the treadmill even though I have told my self weekends are free from workouts, but I have to remain active. (NO LAYING AROUND IN MY JAMMIES ALL DAY) I have also told myself I can have one free day to eat what whatever I want. I still try to not go CRAZY though!!! I haven't until Saturday.

Anyway-- I have been so good about not eating chips, cookies, cake, and trying to only eat whole wheat bread that had 90 calories for 2 slices. The BBQ was pretty harmless. OR so I thought!!!!! Until DESERT arrived. I am sitting at the table having a drink with Liz and snacking on chips here and there. I thought this is OK because I am just having a few and its OK to indulge once in a while. I had already seen what else was being served and thought "Its OK I can live without pasta salad and potatoe salad." I am not a huge fan of either of those anyway. I will just have some chips and some dip (I know what you are thinking DIP Jenn!!! Come on now!) but I really didn't eat much of it. So Liz and I are chatting up with her friends. Then it happened...... The desert lady came in through the gate. I call her the desert lady because I have met her several times and can't remember her name and she usually brings deserts when I have seen her. SOOO back to the point. She comes around the corner with this strawberry, whip cream, chocolate, fudge, cake GOODNESS! Oh wait there is more, in the her husbands hand there is some sort of cake that has layers of raspberrys, jello, whip cream and the crust is made out of Nilla Waffers and BUTTER! I remember thinking to myself. I can have a little its OK. Its my free day and I worked out today. I ate brisket with no bread, no extra sauce and some chicken salad with cabbage. Just so that I could have a little desert and not feel like I just destroyed my progress.

So waiting and waiting before I took that bite of desert goodness, I finally got up and made me a plate with both deserts. Just a average size portion. OHHHH MY HELL I thought I was in heaven. I think I might of been in a sugar colma for a while. My tummy hurt like no other. Its funny how your body changes when you stop eating SHIT. But did I let that pain stop me from a second helping!!! No I sure did NOT!! I waited though until the pain had subsided. I even went back for 3rds!!!! I know what you are thinking ... JENN YOU ARE NAUGHTY! ...... It was just so good..... And my Dr told me that if I am at party and there is something I want. "HAVE IT BUT ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT!!!!!" I sure as shit did!!! It was soooooo GOOD.

Was it worth it? You ask. NOPE!!! I say no because now today, I have no energy, I want BREAD or pasta or pizza followed by some chocolate. I have been good today and no given into my cravings. But I am frustrated because my craving were gone. I wasn't having them anymore. So now I feel like I am starting over and it pisses me off.... DAMN the desert lady (well not her she is super sweet but for now I am blaming her! ) so Damn that desert lady and her cooking skills!!! Damn my loss of will power. Damn my loss of control.

I have my weigh in at the Dr office the 27th and I am nervous about going. I hate the scale!!! I tell my self every time I get on it "its just a number Jenn, its just a number!" my scale at home is about 4 pounds lower than Dr's. I really need to get a new scale but for what??? So I have another one to hide from myself. So I stay off it every day!! I GET CONSUMED BY IT. I will weigh myself in the morning, in the afternoon, before I work out, after I work out and before I go to bed. Smart ????? NOPE!!! I know that because I am working out that i am gaining muscle too. I know I need to look at the inches and the way my cloths fit different. But we as women get caught up in the NUMBER on that damn scale. My guess is a MAN invented the damn thing!!

Damn MEN anyway. It pisses me off that they can loose 10 pounds by just thinking about it. Well most men can. I know Allan can and it makes me nuts! He eat shit and I gain the weight. How does that work? PLUS as I am writing this he is in the kitchen making F***ing banana bread! Thanks for the help yeah butt head!!

Well I am done with my ranting and raving. I am going to pick up the pieces in the morning and not feel like I completely blew it. I just wish the craving would go away!!

WORK OUT BLAAAAHHHH

I went to bed with this stupid head ache and woke up with it. The thought of getting my butt on the treadmill today is just nagging at me!! My butt tells me one thing, but my head hurts and is saying NOOOOO. And I want to be a little kid and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAA!

Now Jen B I know what you are saying. "You just have to do it as soon as you get up." That was my plan but I had to take Aubrey to school and then I got home and just didn't want to.

Yesterday I beat my time again. I did 3 miles in 60.15 minutes. That is the lowest I have gotten today. Maybe today my goal will be to just get my junk on the treadmill for at least a half hour. BLAAAHHHH .....

I guess I better since I am going to Olive Garden tonight with the girls. I am not even sure there is anything that is good for me to eat there... JEN??? Do you know??? You are my go to girl I hope you know....

Anyway sitting here isn't getting me any closer to the treadmill!

Being a girl!

Okay so I clearly know I have already blogged today. But After my work out today I felt so good because I had not only did it. But I beat my time. I did 3 miles in 61 min and did 40 crunches. I shaved off 6 minutes of my time. I was so excited and so sweaty that I ran up the stair to shower. Started the shower and was getting undressed and there it was.... the HORRID monthly gift!! Come on REALLY!!!! I have an IUD and have not had a full on "gift" for years. I had wondered why when Allan walked in the room last night I wanted to take his head off. How when the girls would talk I would tell them to shut it. I was sooooo MOODY last night.

Sometime I wish I was a boy. I know they are gross and hairy. But REALLY??? Why do we get all the crappy stuff? They get to worry about what??? The wind blowing wrong and getting a stiffy in the middle of a crowd?? All they have to do is sit down. Doesn't make them all crampy, moody, or bloated. I know what you are thinking we as women get to have babies and have that wonderful experience of being pregnant. WHAT THE HELL EVER! I have been there done it and it was not so pleasant. The throwing up, not being able to sleep. Having to pee at the drop of a hat. Feeling like you have to pee so bad you are going to burst, getting to the bathroom and the feeling is gone. And then there is labor! Yeah that was fun. A nurse told me once that the pain is there for a short time and once the baby lays in your arms you forget all about it. Well she lied!! I remember the pain. KayDee was late and I was in labor basically for 2 weeks. PAIN! I love my kids don't get me wrong but if their dad could of done it all, I would of let him ..

Motherhood is wonderful and wouldn't take it back but why do we have to be tortured with the monthly "gift" on top of squeezing a small melon out of something that has to be stretched out to have that melon come through. Let the men have some of the fun. Let them have the "GIFT" its one "GIFT" I would like to return. Do you have your receipt for your gift?

Heaviest I have ever been.

This was Christmas 2009. Yeah its a very flattering picture wouldn't' you say? I put this one up because I think that is shows how HUGE I have gotten. I was at my heaviest here at 216 pounds. Yes you read that right. At this point of my life I had given up. I have tried EVERY diet that you can think of. I have starved myself. I have taken every diet pill. I have worked out. I have eaten healthy. I even did the HCG. I seem to be able to take off some of the weight but it never comes off fast enough for me. I know that it take a lot of time and a lot of hard work. But I am a person that needs to see the pounds fall off. When I did the HCG was when I lost the most. But really 500 calories. Anyone can loose weight by doing that. I was so miserable. I was so moody and I would get so hungry that I would cry. My body was literary starving. I got down to 189. Which was the lowest I had been in YEARS! I felt good about my body. Well better. But I was mentally breaking down. The "Doctor" told me to stop taking my crazy pills. She said it was holding on to my weight and I would not loose it as fast as I should. UMMMM Yea NOT A GOOD IDEA! So not only am I starving but I am crazy too. I had lost my mind. Allan would tell me "Honey i love you for you. You are beautiful." But I didn't feel beautiful. I felt like a giant cow that had on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Well after that first 28 days of HELL. I went back on the crazy pills. Starting eating. But tried so hard to eat better and not eat out and not drink soda. The weight came back and I gained more than I had lost. I was back at 216. And that is where I am in this picture. a year later and fatter than before. Fatter than ever.

I hate everything there is about my body. Allan is always so sweet to me and never ever says anything to me but "Your super cute and I love you." Well it helps but when he puts his hand on my side and I can feel the fat crease that he keeps sticking his finger in and out of it. Makes me nuts. I tell him "Please don't do that." he says "what? " I say "stop touching my fat roll." Allan "But its so soft!" Yeah thats what I want to hear! Men... they try so hard but yet are so far off. But I love him and I know he tries.

So the picture above of Allan and I kissing is me a few weeks ago. I have been seeing a doctor to help me try to gain some kind of control over my weight. I hate being the fat sister, the fat friend, the BIG GIRL. I want to be able to feel ok in my skin.

For the last 12 days I have been trying to work out at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes. I have been trying to stay within 1200 calories. the doctor tole me that was what I needed to lower them too in order to loose weight. I am finding it pretty easy to stay within those calories. She told me to never deprive my self of anything. If its a birthday and there is cake, have a piece of cake and enjoy the HELL out of it. I have not been following a diet because that is a swear word. I have been making better choices. Being careful about what I put in my body. And staying on the crazy pills. I am on day 13 today and have lost and kept off 7 pounds. When I weighed in at the Dr I was 213 on her scale. Which was 4 pounds off from my scale at home. So I was more than i thought I was going to be. My blood pressure went through the roof. I have always had normal blood pressure. She was worried about it, it was so high.Its under control now I really think it was the shock of the weight and I was nervous about being at the Dr.

Anyway--- We have a white board downstairs by the treadmill and I log what I did on the treadmill and try to beat that every day by 2 minutes. Some days I have to DRAG my ass down the stairs to get on that dame thing. The Dr told me even if you get on it for 10 minutes a day, its something. So I talk my self into 15 minutes and then by they my drive kicks in and I end up doing between 40 -65 minutes. Whats my secret to staying on that long? Its called TRASH TV! Thank god for DVR. I have been surprised at how much I have learned watching some of it. I learned Tori Spelling isn't just a big boobed dumb blond. I learned that she is a very caring mom and has a lot of the same family issues that I have. I learned that Ruby is a beautiful person inside and out and not just the fat lady with a story to tell. I think I have learned the most from her.http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp Take a look for yourself.

Anyway- half my day is gone and I just realized that its 12:05 and I have not done anything. I going to try to blog every day or at least once a week. I have a lot of crap up in my little brain and it helps me to get it all out. I might blog about other things other than my weight and all my junk in my trunk. I may even mention your name from time to time. SO let me know if I piss you off by something I say....

Just a little background ....

I was born July 1, 1974. I was an unexpected pregnancy. My parents were at a young age of 17 and 18 when I was born. As most teenagers aren't, they were not ready for this tiny baby. I weighed about 6 pound. My mom is a very tiny person and my dad was a swimmer so he was fit. I was the first grandchild on my dads side of the family. So as you can imagine I was SPOILED ROTTEN. I have very few memories of my childhood up until age 12 or 13. I still to this day don't know why, I am not concerned with it at this point in my life. I have enough to deal with.

My parents divorced and both remarried. Life moved forward. My childhood was not a perfect one but whose really is? I lived with my mom for the first 5 years of their divorce. I don't really remember much about the day we moved in with my dad, when I say we I mean me and my brother Ryan. I remember the drive over and some of the thoughts going through my head. "Did my mom not love us anymore? What did I do wrong? If I promised to be good will she let us stay with her?" Knowing now as a grown adult that it was nothing that I did or anything that I could of done. It was all between her and my dad. It has taken me YEARS to realize that. My life is what it is. The things that I have learned, the mistakes that I have made, are what has made me the person I am today. I have NO regret in my life. I would not take back one tear, one smile or one heart ache. I am not a perfect parent, friend, sister, partner, wife, ex-wife or person.

I know that we are put here on earth to learn and grow and become the best person we can. There are trials that we all face. Some are harder than others. Some people with stand way more than I can imagine going through. After we (my brother and I) moved in with my dad, step mom and their baby, my brother Andy. Things were hard. I felt unwanted there. But as a child I didn't know the "WHOLE STORY" I didn't know that my dad moved my brother and I in when my step mom was not home and she had no idea that we were moving in. So to her surprise when she came home, she now had 2 other kids to deal with. They were building a house in West Jordan but were currently living in an apartment with 2 bedrooms. I was sharing a room with both my brothers. Andy was just a baby still in his crib maybe 1. Ryan was 7 or 8 and I was 10 or 11. I think that the weight issue started for me then. I look back at pictures of me as a child and think I was a pretty average kid. I wasn't fat I wasn't skinny. Just average. Well there was a pool at the apartment and I loved to swim. I spent many days at the pool in the summer. I am not sure at this point how old I am or what the situation was. It was back when 501's with the button fly were really popular. I wanted a pair more than anything. My dad was and still is very tight with his money. (which is OK I could stand to be a little tighter with my money) I asked my dad if I could PLEASE PLEASE have a pair. He told me that he would buy me a pair if I lost 15 pounds. Did I need to loose that 15 pounds??? Maybe but I was 10 or 11 for hell sake. who doesn't have a little baby fat still on them at that age. So off I went to loose that 15 pounds. It was summer time and Ryan and I were out of school. We stayed home and played. We were told what to eat for breakfast and lunch and we were not to eat ANYTHING else. That was ok with me because I was going to loose that 15 pounds and get those pants. Most of the summer I spent eating ice cubes all day and then eating dinner. Healthy??? No! But I lost the 15 pounds and for Christmas my dad bought me the 501's. Now I was pissed it was a Christmas gift because I felt that it was suppose to be a reward for loosing that 15 pounds and shouldn't count as a Christmas gift. But as I said before my dad was TIGHT with his money. Sometimes I thought that I would see cob webs in his wallet he was so tight. So I let it go and knew that there was no use in fighting about it.

Life moves on and we move to West Jordan into the new home. Weight for me is still an issue. I looked in the mirror and saw this HUGE person. But now that I look back at that little girl, I was FAR from HUGE. I was just seeing what I was told. I was fat and needed to loose weight. the pantry would be locked and we were not allowed to eat anything without asking. There were labels on things, such as marks on the milk to know the level of the milk and make sure we didn't drink it. Dinner time I was never allowed seconds but my brothers could have them because they were growing boys. I would sneak food when the pantry was left open and hide it in my room. Ryan and I got good at taking cans of food and walking over to Little Ceasers when they would do the food drive. We would exchange the cans of food for free crazy bread.

I never felt good enough for my dad. My mom was in the picture but only every other weekend. I really don't remember my relationship with her as a kid. I did know that I was not good enough, not thin enough and not smart enough for my dad. I guess every little girl longs for the love of her dad. I know now that he loved me he just didn't know how to show it. Anyway-- Life moves forward. I start babysitting and eating whatever I could at their house because I know when I get home there will be nothing to eat other than what they want me to eat. I start taking my babysitting money and buying candy and junk food that I can. I would hide it in my room and eat it late at night when no one could see me. Thoughts of stuffing myself and throwing up would go through my head and I would try to throw up but never could. I look back now and see I was hungry but not for food, for love. Food just took the place because it made me feel better. I started gaining weight but gained a lot of it in my boobs! Which was OK with me. Not for my dad. the boys started paying attention and I know it drove him NUTS!

A lot of things occurred in my life. I really don't want to get into or this will turn into a BOOK not a blog. I went up and down with my weight for the rest of my life. To me food became my love. It made me feel wanted, loved, made me feel full. What I really needed was love. Was a family that loved me for me. Not because I was thin, not because I was smart. Just LOVE ME!

I am now an adult and have learned many things about life. Its been a long journey but its not over. I feel like its just beginning for me. I have made many strides in my life. I have had many set backs in my life. The thing that I have learned that family can be anyone that you hold close to your heart. They don't have to be blood related, they don't have to be related to you by marriage. Just simply people being part of your life.

I don't know if my blog will just bore your or make you feel good about who you are. My goal with my blog is to put it all out there good or bad. If I can maybe touch someone who is hurting or let someone know that they are not alone or not the only one that is feeling the way they feel. I will have done my job. Plus its nice to know I can express what I am going through and get it off my chest.....

And so the Journey starts!