Free days....

Today has been a super hard day for me. I am grumpy and just want some comfort food. Yesterday I had a BBQ to go to. I made sure to get on the treadmill even though I have told my self weekends are free from workouts, but I have to remain active. (NO LAYING AROUND IN MY JAMMIES ALL DAY) I have also told myself I can have one free day to eat what whatever I want. I still try to not go CRAZY though!!! I haven't until Saturday.

Anyway-- I have been so good about not eating chips, cookies, cake, and trying to only eat whole wheat bread that had 90 calories for 2 slices. The BBQ was pretty harmless. OR so I thought!!!!! Until DESERT arrived. I am sitting at the table having a drink with Liz and snacking on chips here and there. I thought this is OK because I am just having a few and its OK to indulge once in a while. I had already seen what else was being served and thought "Its OK I can live without pasta salad and potatoe salad." I am not a huge fan of either of those anyway. I will just have some chips and some dip (I know what you are thinking DIP Jenn!!! Come on now!) but I really didn't eat much of it. So Liz and I are chatting up with her friends. Then it happened...... The desert lady came in through the gate. I call her the desert lady because I have met her several times and can't remember her name and she usually brings deserts when I have seen her. SOOO back to the point. She comes around the corner with this strawberry, whip cream, chocolate, fudge, cake GOODNESS! Oh wait there is more, in the her husbands hand there is some sort of cake that has layers of raspberrys, jello, whip cream and the crust is made out of Nilla Waffers and BUTTER! I remember thinking to myself. I can have a little its OK. Its my free day and I worked out today. I ate brisket with no bread, no extra sauce and some chicken salad with cabbage. Just so that I could have a little desert and not feel like I just destroyed my progress.

So waiting and waiting before I took that bite of desert goodness, I finally got up and made me a plate with both deserts. Just a average size portion. OHHHH MY HELL I thought I was in heaven. I think I might of been in a sugar colma for a while. My tummy hurt like no other. Its funny how your body changes when you stop eating SHIT. But did I let that pain stop me from a second helping!!! No I sure did NOT!! I waited though until the pain had subsided. I even went back for 3rds!!!! I know what you are thinking ... JENN YOU ARE NAUGHTY! ...... It was just so good..... And my Dr told me that if I am at party and there is something I want. "HAVE IT BUT ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT!!!!!" I sure as shit did!!! It was soooooo GOOD.

Was it worth it? You ask. NOPE!!! I say no because now today, I have no energy, I want BREAD or pasta or pizza followed by some chocolate. I have been good today and no given into my cravings. But I am frustrated because my craving were gone. I wasn't having them anymore. So now I feel like I am starting over and it pisses me off.... DAMN the desert lady (well not her she is super sweet but for now I am blaming her! ) so Damn that desert lady and her cooking skills!!! Damn my loss of will power. Damn my loss of control.

I have my weigh in at the Dr office the 27th and I am nervous about going. I hate the scale!!! I tell my self every time I get on it "its just a number Jenn, its just a number!" my scale at home is about 4 pounds lower than Dr's. I really need to get a new scale but for what??? So I have another one to hide from myself. So I stay off it every day!! I GET CONSUMED BY IT. I will weigh myself in the morning, in the afternoon, before I work out, after I work out and before I go to bed. Smart ????? NOPE!!! I know that because I am working out that i am gaining muscle too. I know I need to look at the inches and the way my cloths fit different. But we as women get caught up in the NUMBER on that damn scale. My guess is a MAN invented the damn thing!!

Damn MEN anyway. It pisses me off that they can loose 10 pounds by just thinking about it. Well most men can. I know Allan can and it makes me nuts! He eat shit and I gain the weight. How does that work? PLUS as I am writing this he is in the kitchen making F***ing banana bread! Thanks for the help yeah butt head!!

Well I am done with my ranting and raving. I am going to pick up the pieces in the morning and not feel like I completely blew it. I just wish the craving would go away!!