Heaviest I have ever been.

This was Christmas 2009. Yeah its a very flattering picture wouldn't' you say? I put this one up because I think that is shows how HUGE I have gotten. I was at my heaviest here at 216 pounds. Yes you read that right. At this point of my life I had given up. I have tried EVERY diet that you can think of. I have starved myself. I have taken every diet pill. I have worked out. I have eaten healthy. I even did the HCG. I seem to be able to take off some of the weight but it never comes off fast enough for me. I know that it take a lot of time and a lot of hard work. But I am a person that needs to see the pounds fall off. When I did the HCG was when I lost the most. But really 500 calories. Anyone can loose weight by doing that. I was so miserable. I was so moody and I would get so hungry that I would cry. My body was literary starving. I got down to 189. Which was the lowest I had been in YEARS! I felt good about my body. Well better. But I was mentally breaking down. The "Doctor" told me to stop taking my crazy pills. She said it was holding on to my weight and I would not loose it as fast as I should. UMMMM Yea NOT A GOOD IDEA! So not only am I starving but I am crazy too. I had lost my mind. Allan would tell me "Honey i love you for you. You are beautiful." But I didn't feel beautiful. I felt like a giant cow that had on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Well after that first 28 days of HELL. I went back on the crazy pills. Starting eating. But tried so hard to eat better and not eat out and not drink soda. The weight came back and I gained more than I had lost. I was back at 216. And that is where I am in this picture. a year later and fatter than before. Fatter than ever.

I hate everything there is about my body. Allan is always so sweet to me and never ever says anything to me but "Your super cute and I love you." Well it helps but when he puts his hand on my side and I can feel the fat crease that he keeps sticking his finger in and out of it. Makes me nuts. I tell him "Please don't do that." he says "what? " I say "stop touching my fat roll." Allan "But its so soft!" Yeah thats what I want to hear! Men... they try so hard but yet are so far off. But I love him and I know he tries.

So the picture above of Allan and I kissing is me a few weeks ago. I have been seeing a doctor to help me try to gain some kind of control over my weight. I hate being the fat sister, the fat friend, the BIG GIRL. I want to be able to feel ok in my skin.

For the last 12 days I have been trying to work out at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes. I have been trying to stay within 1200 calories. the doctor tole me that was what I needed to lower them too in order to loose weight. I am finding it pretty easy to stay within those calories. She told me to never deprive my self of anything. If its a birthday and there is cake, have a piece of cake and enjoy the HELL out of it. I have not been following a diet because that is a swear word. I have been making better choices. Being careful about what I put in my body. And staying on the crazy pills. I am on day 13 today and have lost and kept off 7 pounds. When I weighed in at the Dr I was 213 on her scale. Which was 4 pounds off from my scale at home. So I was more than i thought I was going to be. My blood pressure went through the roof. I have always had normal blood pressure. She was worried about it, it was so high.Its under control now I really think it was the shock of the weight and I was nervous about being at the Dr.

Anyway--- We have a white board downstairs by the treadmill and I log what I did on the treadmill and try to beat that every day by 2 minutes. Some days I have to DRAG my ass down the stairs to get on that dame thing. The Dr told me even if you get on it for 10 minutes a day, its something. So I talk my self into 15 minutes and then by they my drive kicks in and I end up doing between 40 -65 minutes. Whats my secret to staying on that long? Its called TRASH TV! Thank god for DVR. I have been surprised at how much I have learned watching some of it. I learned Tori Spelling isn't just a big boobed dumb blond. I learned that she is a very caring mom and has a lot of the same family issues that I have. I learned that Ruby is a beautiful person inside and out and not just the fat lady with a story to tell. I think I have learned the most from her.http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp Take a look for yourself.

Anyway- half my day is gone and I just realized that its 12:05 and I have not done anything. I going to try to blog every day or at least once a week. I have a lot of crap up in my little brain and it helps me to get it all out. I might blog about other things other than my weight and all my junk in my trunk. I may even mention your name from time to time. SO let me know if I piss you off by something I say....