Anyway-- Back to point.
So I got up with all intention of going straight downstairs to get on the treadmill. I even took a load of laundry down with me. Went down there and forgot my water so had to come back up. And well here I sit still upstairs. BUT I did drink my water :)
I think sometimes just starting is the hard part. I know that once I am on the damn treadmill the first 15 minutes sucks but then when I am done and have beat my last time I feel awesome. I never get off the treadmill and say "Shit I shouldn't of done that!" I always am glad I did. I do always say if i don't get on it "Shit I suck and a lazy fat ass!"
I look at thin people and think "I don't get it? How do they do it?"Food has always been a comfort for me. I never drank alcohol until I was in my late 20's because I was a good little church girl. So the food was my addiction. I also know that I have a shopping addiction too. I am really working hard on that. But one thing I have notice that in my shopping I buy 2 things the most. Purses and shoes!! I am starting to see why those 2 items are bought more than anything that I buy. I know its because a purse doesn't have to fit any part of my body. I have a small foot so buying shoes isn't embarrassing when I check out and have a 6.5 shoe. I hate checking out when I am buying pants or any clothing. Thoughts will just run wild in my head. What will she think as she is checking me out. Is she looking at the size of my pants. Will she look at me and think FAT ASS Do something about it. I always look for the chubby checker!! I like to go shopping at stores like Torid or Lane Bryant because when I go in there they make you feel beautiful and I can wear the smaller sizes in those stores instead of the bigger sizes in the store. Torid is my favorite because the girls in there are so friendly and treat you like you are the only customer in the store. When I go, there are a couple of girls that just want to dress me up. I love it and feel like a movie star. But when I go to stores like Khols I have a hard time buying cloths there because I am so worried someone is going to see what size I wear and see that dreaded size 18W pants. Yup I said it!! As my heart was racing about the thought of telling you all my pant size. Part of my healing is being honest about every part of this journey, so I just put it out there for all to see. I think the more I share that maybe that will make me want to work harder and being a smaller size. I know that size doesn't matter and its how you feel about your self. But every time I get dressed I want to cry! I have some cute things to wear but I feel like a giant marshmallow!!! I see other girls that are bigger than I am and they were some reviling things and I think " Why can't I have that confidence? Why can't I just love who I am and not worry about what everyone else thinks or says?" I guess its just part of who I am. I worry. It runs in my family. My mom worries a lot and so does her mom and so on and so on. I don't want to rub that off on my children. I am afraid it already has on the 2 older girls. They both worry but about 2 totally different things. Shaleigh wears a jacket every where to cover up her worry. She will wear that jacket in 100 degree weather. But I know how she feels. I used to do the same thing. Even in my adult years. I always look forward to fall for 2 reasons. I can wear a jacket again and not have sweat in every roll that I own! The worst is the sweat under the boobs!!! I have always been big chested. Well not always it seems like the summer between 8th and 9th grade they grew over night. Then having kids they got bigger. My boobs were so big that when I was 9 months pregnant you couldn't tell because my boobs stuck out farther than my tummy. I had a boobie do! (My boobies stick out farther than my tummy do). I guess we all wish had something that we don't have or wish we had something else we had to worry about. In the end I know that we all have our struggles and trials. We are all given only what we can handle and its up to us to handle it all.
With that being said its 12:18 pm now and I am getting my butt down stairs on that damn treadmill!!!!
1 comment:
Oh my sweet. You are beautiful. Some women aren't meant to be really really skinny. You worry too much about what everyone else thinks. Who cares.. If they think mean thing well then fuck them!
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