I don't know what's right and whats real anymore

"I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear"

Do you think that sometimes we go along life thinking we know what we want, what we want for our kids. I am sitting here listening to music trying to clean up my office and got distracted with Lilly Allen "The Fear" This chorus is stuck in my head and I can't seem to get it out. I really don't know what is right or real anymore. I am just trying to take one day at a time one hour at a time. My mind seems to run into the next day, the next week, the next month. The what "if". Its hard to know what is right for your self how can this higher power give us all this responsibility for our self and then add little ones that turn into teenagers. And why the hell did he give me 3 girls!! I know I was naughty but come on cut me a break! All I ever wanted for my kids was to be happy. It seems that happiness comes with some kind of price. I would die for my kids and today I am feeling like I am not dying for KayDee. I am just struggling with what to do. Torn with do I just let her make the mistakes, I did? Do I just hope for the best? Do I just walk away and let her live with her dad? Is that the right thing? It seems like all the choices I have will come with some kind of a price of the unknown. I have been told she will come around. That I am NOT abandoning her. That I was a better mom than my mom (that came from my mom so I feel like its okay for me to share that), then why do I feel like as I drive down the street and she is not out having fun with us. I wonder every minute of every day where she is what is she doing? Is she happy? Will she ever want to be my daughter again?

I was told all the time when I was young that "When I am older I will understand". WELLLLL I DON'T!!!!! I know that I must of went through what I went through as a kid to understand and help my kids. But I feel like my sweet little BUG is just going straight down the path was going. I am happy with my life other than she isn't here. I hate that she feels the way towards me that I felt towards my parents. I just want her to be happy, healthy physically and mentally. I hope one day she will realize how much I love and miss her every day!

OHHH since this is about my weight... I lost 4 pounds! YEAH!