I think I just want to throw the DAMN scale out the window!

I really hate starting my postes "Well its been a while!" But it has.... MARCH! As far as weight goes not willing to share my "numbers" today.Right now I really don't care if you wanted to know, I am still not telling!!

The last few months should of been one of those days, but has turned into one of months! I know that there are so many people out there hurting and hurting for the loss of their child or the loss of a parent. For their sick child or whatever is hurting their hart. I think we all have our personal "Emergency's" Today,my weight is NOT my personal emergency or something that I really care about. I know that today I can't change it, I can't wake up and be that size 10 that I would love to be I am who I am and right now at this minute, June 22, 2011 12:26 am, I am okay with it. Tomorrow, maybe a total different thing. (ask me in 24 hours I might be thinking differently)Today I have no emergency's that can't be dealt with in time. I think we run through life just wanting to fix everything or everyone. (Well I was told today that I do that) My whole life I have just wanted to be part of something. Part of anything. Hell at some point I just wanted to be part of a family. I just wanted to be able to lean on someone to know someone was there. I think food became that someone or something. I look back at when my life became what it is today. I regret nothing, okay maybe somethings, most things I do not regret. I am who I am because of the steps that I took.

My daughter is struggling with a lot of the same things I went through. I want to just stick a band-aid on it and kiss it better!! Try to help her through it, but I am the mom and I am DUMB! I think I have learned the most about parenting in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 16 years. I have learned; I can't save them. I can show them the path. I can't push them to the right path. Even though I wish that I could just shove really hard, make them fall and hurt their knees; and then maybe they will have to look up and call out for mommy, like they did when they were 2 (not that I went around shoving my kids.)

I think we grow and have family's of our own. And leave behind old issues or people that were toxic in our life's at some point. I know that my parents did the best that they knew how at the time. I know I am trying to do the best that I can. Sometimes we feel like its not enough or what if? Just like regret, its all wasted energy, wasted time that we could be gathering positive energy from something else.

Those of you that know me and know me well, know that I see a "crazy doctor, a shrink or whatever you want to call it." For me he is my crazy doctor. Not that he is crazy but he helps me understand "my crazy". I use crazy very loosely sorry if your offended. Actually I am not sorry. This about my head and my crazy and chubby ass not yours. Well today was actually a very draining day. My horoscope said it all "Against the advice of your heart, your mouth is totally out of control. That means you may need to do some apologizing. Fortunately, with the look you'll be wearing, no one will hold a grudge." Did I heed its warning??? DO I ever??? NOPE!! Today I really should of. I just sometimes can't shut my "PIE HOLE" (as I tell Allan), Its like I know to shut up but my mouth and my mind wont work together. I had to even tell Allan today to leave the room because I have nothing nice to say. He didn't do anything wrong, I just sometimes get so fed up with everything, everyone suffers.

Shaun (my crazy doctor) has really become to me a friend (yes I have to really pay this friend to talk to me)but I have been seeing him for 7 years I think. I have watched or heard about his kids and some of his life stuff and I think of him as a friend. He is worth the money! ANYWAY-- This might be a rambling post tonight because I have a lot going through my head and a lot I need to get out. I have been keeping a journal and decided that this is a lot easier for me to type than try to write, think and remember and blahhh blahhhhhh! SO like it or not here it is for the world to see. Plus, I might just help someone that I don't even know feel like they aren't the only one who feels like this. "Fat, gross, and full of crazy!" More full of CRAZY today than anything. But whatever, one day I will be normal. (Whatever that maybe)

I know that this was suppose to or started out as my weight loss journey but I have decided this is just a my journey. It all involves my chubby butt. I think that some people think of weight or heavy people as a sign of weakness or a sign of laziness but I really think its just part of our make up. To me its my addiction. Or at least one of them. Food can comfort you and not talk back. It can make you feel full when nothing else will. We eat when we celebrate or we eat when we are sad. We should just be eating to live not living to eat.

I have a cute sweet friend (yes you know who I am talking about) who is about 100 pounds soaked in water. We went to lunch the other day and we were talking about weight. I told her that I was frustrated getting ready to meet her for lunch because she is this cute and a little thing and I feel like a giant COW sitting next to her. She tells me to shut up and I tell her the same and we laughed. She said something to me that really made me think. Yes, people I actually listen and think about what is said to me. Well unless its my brothers being bratty... hahah just kidding they know I listen because they usually make me cry ;) Anyway- my friend said its all relative to how we feel about our self. Or "our comfort number." Then I started to think about my cute mom who is the same tiny little thing and she worries about her being old. And I see her as this young M.I.L.F. Which in school I hated her coming to my school because the boys would always say "Is that YOUR mom?" As if I was some kind of ugly duck and that it was amazing I could belong to her. SO my cute friend that I love so much and wish we had not drifted from high school and had kept in touch all these years, is totally right. If you weigh 98 pounds, 110, 125, 135, or you are 21, 29 , or 50 its all just numbers! Its who you are in the inside and how you treat others. Who cares right???? "I know shut it Jenn we all know you care." I do care and it's truly hard not to. But in the long run of life, in the big picture, things that happen do they really matter??? Okay here is a good way to look at it. Like money, when you die can you take it with you? NOPE so when your life is over and you have lived your life to the fullest you don't have to take your fat ass with you... see YEAHHHHHHH!!!! In heaven you get to be whatever age you want... I think my age would be 25 and I would weigh 135. I don't want to be a skinnyyyyyy super skinny girl just healthy. Wouldn't that be nice, to just have that thought all the time. To think it doesn't matter today. There are much worse things to worry about. I would just hate to be the poor sucker that has to carry my casket!!!! So brothers work out your back's. Oh wait I want to be cremated. My kids will have enough ashes to share between the three of them and Allan if they want to have some of their own jar of my fat burned tissue, bones and all that yuck!

I really wish I knew where I was going with this blog, its just random things that are coming to my head. I have had a lot of thoughts and a lot of tears the last few weeks. I am not going to go into it because its really just to personal but I can tell you that I have ate 4 boxes of skinny cow Mint truffle ice cream. Not just 4 ice creams 4 BOXES!!! There are 6 to each box. I ate one for a snack, dinner and then a sweet snack later all in one night. Its funny how skinny cows can make you feel okay about it because they are 120 or 140 calories but when you eat them all in one day those kinda add up and so did the pounds on the scale. Poor scale!

Well I guess I better get to bed its 1:30 am and that's just way past my bed time. I am going to try to be better and keeping up on this blog, I really enjoy just rambling about really nothing. Plus, it helps get it all out of my head.

MAYBE, and that is one big giant MAYBE I will tell you how much of my weight I have gained back. Tomorrow though rain or shine I will be walking. OHHH and NO more crying. Its just wasted energy that just makes me tired.

Until next time ... Night Night...