See it in the FACE!!

So these are the latest photos of me. Its almost 20 pounds later. I can't believe it! I feel so much better in my clothes. I still have about 35 more pounds to go to be at the weight I want to be at. I am not looking to be super duper skinny. I just want to feel healthy.

Allan brought in some summer clothes in from storage on Saturday. I had a field day going through them. They were getting to big. Where last year at this time I was having a hard time buttoning them up. I usually dread the UN think able of getting out last years clothes to see how much I gained over the winter. I actually went through all my cloths and everything was fitting or too big! I put it in a big pile and didn't think twice if it was too big or I had not worn it in a year out it went! YEAH me! Poor Allan! I hope he knows that once I loose my weight I will be going on a shopping spree. I agreed to buy nothing new to wear unless its a belt to hold up my pants until I have lost so much that my pants fall off. Wont that be a great feeling!!!! I can't wait.

Its funny how fast the weight comes on and how slow it takes to get it off!! I hate it! But That is part of life I guess. You get older and your body changes. I have always struggled to keep it off. This time I am KEEPING IT OFF!!!

Today I was sitting with Amanda, holding my sweet nephew Rowan I could just eat him up! Anyway we were talking about how we would like to suck this out and lift that up. I think loosing weight is going to cost me or Allan for that matter some money. My weight has come out of my boobs before anything. I hate IT! I have always been blessed with big sisters and I don't know what I would do with out them. If I loose them all I will just have to have some enhancements done. Which is super weird for me because about 7 years ago I had them reduced because they were so big. They took 7 pounds of the sisters. HOLLY COW that is a baby!

Anyway-- I lost my train of thought on were I was going with this blog. I was interrupted so lost all thought of what I was saying. I seem to be having issues with that lately. I think I might be getting old !!

10 pounds PURE FAT!

Weigh in was yesterday!!

A little disappointed because this morning I was at 193.0 and when I got the the doctor after 3 pm I was at 196.00 BLLAHHHHHH I hate being a girl for that reason. Why can't we just stay the same all day. NOPE we have to gain and loose gain and loose. It really pisses me off!!! She did tell me that being dressed and weighing in the later part of the day is a huge difference. So I felt a little better. But I am going to count my weight loss from my home scale. BECAUSE I LIKE THAT NUMBER BETTER! And I weigh in the mornings without being dressed. (sorry for the visual). I love this doctor. She told me my blood pressure was up a bit. I told her there were some family issues. She asked about it. I told her a little because its such a drama FEST that just gets me worked up. She told me that my grandpa's wife was a BITCH! It was so funny to hear that from her. She is this calm little hippy kinda lady and just super sweet. But I loved it!

Back to my FAT! So I have started to notice clothing fitting different. I don't have to suck it in until I can't breath! Its awesome. The Doctor told me that I have lost 10 pound of PURE FAT! And 8 pounds of lean fat. Which isn't want she wants. So I need to eat more protein and try not to work out as much or for such long periods of time. But she said this month I lost more FAT than Lean Fat. I lost 8 pounds according to her scale in the afternoon for the month with is a total of 18 pounds. But if i weigh in the morning its more like 20 pounds! I am happy with either number. Eight pounds a month is pretty good. 2 pounds a week. I am not wanting to dump the weight so fast because then it will come back faster and then some. I just want to make life style changes and stick with it. Last night I had chicken and brown rice for dinner and had a super hard time with the fat that was on the chicken. I wanted to throw up!

Its funny how things that you used to love like MAYO, just the thought of putting that lard on my sandwich makes me want to puke. I have always been a sauce person. Not anymore. YUCK! I have also not had a french fry since April. Even the smell makes me sick. Its funny how you stop eating those things you can totally tell how they make you feel after you eat them again or even the smell of the grease.

Fathers Day I had my family over for a BBQ and my Dad brought a cake over for mine and Andy's birthday because they are a few weeks apart and he didn't know if he would be in town. SO for the last week there has been this sheet cake with mouse filling and chocolate cake sitting at my house. That has been super hard! I would grab my fork and just have a "BITE". Left the fork in the box with the cake. Then go back and do it again. Pretty soon it was pieces of cake. I would take the frosting off and eat the cake and the filling. MMMMM Chocolate cake and moose creamy YUM! But not good for my BUM! Thursday was garbage day and the cake went with the Garbage man. I am OK as long as its not here. I thought I would be OK when my dad left it because I didn't want any when everyone was here. NOPE ! That cake was TROUBLE! And trouble is not welcome in my house!

Allan and I were laying in bed the other night. I always lay on my side and he will put his hand on my hip. All of a sudden he starts moving his hand up and down on my side. (NO THIS IS NOT A DIRTY STORY) ANYWAY you PERVS-- I notice that his hand is not being stopped by my rolls on my side. I said "Hey did you notice that there is no longer a roll their were you can stick your finger in, to hold up your hand there without effort?" He said "YES! I was just going to say that!" I still have ROLLS believe me but they are getting smaller and I can tell. I am even a little off balance when I walk sometimes.

Last night I was thinking about my friend who said her little boy weighed 10 pounds at birth. I thought HOLLY SHIT I just have lost 10 pound of fat that was the size of a large baby! Then I thought holly shit! I have lost enough weight for 2 large babies. Then I look at my kids and can't believe that I have basically had 2 babies in 2 months! That is NUTS! They were not 10 pounders but they were all 8 pounds at least. Aubrey is my tiny one and she was the biggest baby 8 pounds 14 oz and 19 1/2 inches long.... Short and chunky just like her mommy! Not now she is skinny Minnie and still short! I tell her that I like being short because when you fall it doesn't hurt as much because you are closer to the ground!

Speaking of Fat babies! But isn't he so cute.. I just want to eat him! My little Rowan and the other picture is of my sisters baby Aislyn, Aubrey is holding her and Julia (Allans sisters little one). Aislyn is a chunk too. But she is starting to turn into a toddler so she is getting taller and not so much like a chunky monkey. I just wish adult ROLLS were as cute as baby rolls! Picture of me was Thanksgiving time. That might be my heaviest at 218. I might look a little drunk because I am! Too much family from all sides at one time..... GOD HELP ME IF I EVER GO BACK TO LOOKING LIKE THAT PLEASE PUT ME OUT TO PASTURE! Amanda that is your job! You are the only one that will tell me the truth! Well until next time! I will try to write more often. It helps keep me on track. I just loose track of time some days!

Time goes on.

This really doesn't have anything to do with being fat or over weight. My heart is just feeling heavy today. I didn't sleep last night just so many things running in and out of my brain. So many feelings and so confused.

What do you do when you know someone you love, who has been in and out of your life for so many years, is dying? Its hard to let go as it is when they are finally gone. But its hard to stand back and watch him be torn between two family's.

My Grandma died at a very young age and has been gone since I was about 8 or 9. I was so young then and never realized how much her death would affect the rest of my life. Well now my Grandpa her husband is dying. He has since re-marred 2 times. His current wife is taking care of him and all his physical needs. There is no question in my mind that they love each other and they claim to both be BEST FRIENDS. But in my heart, in my gut, I feel like something isn't right.

I am the oldest grandchild and have dis-owned, re-owned and pretty much ignored for most of my teenage and adult life. Its so hard when you love someone and don't know what the right thing to do for them is. I have hurt in my heart because where was he when I needed him? I was a normal kid as I see it. I didn't do drugs, I never drank until I was in my 20's and never even went to a bar until I was 28. However I was BOY CRAZY!

. Roberts family is as dis-functional as the next but they love each other threw it all. Even after we were divorced his mom called me still tells me she loves me. There were so many family's of friends that took me in that could love me and would say we will adopt you! But I felt like I was unwanted by the rest of my family.

Time moves and so many things happen through time. I could be here all day going on and on about what life was like. I get married and start having kids and SUDDENLY my family (dads side of the family) starts wanting to be a part of my life. Which was great but made me feel like I was never good enough until I started having babies and everyone loves babies. But time goes on and I once again I am in and out of my family. I never have felt like I have had a REAL family.

Holiday and such go on. I go sometimes years without an invite from my family. My mom is in California and it was too much money for us at the time to travel with small babies and Robert being the only one working so I could stay home. Most of the 12 years with Robert we were the ones to make Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays for our kids. Roberts family was hit and miss too. Life gets busy and things happen and time passes. Through my divorce I felt totally alone. Everyone seemed to be consumed about how he was doing and he was feeling. It was hard to just set that aside and know that I was going to be OK. With out my sweet Heidi HO I really don't know where I would be.

Now grandpa is dying and the family just wants to be together and spend time with him. But visits are limited and few and far between. I am thankful for the physical care that she provides him. She loves him I know that he loves her. But in my gut I just feel like she is completely controlling everything and everyone who is involved with him. I have always said my family is dis functional but there comes a time when you have to set aside all the BULL SHIT and let everyone see and love him. I know that I would not want to die knowing that some of my children and grandchildren had been pushed out and been basically replaced with someone else's family. In my eyes BLOOD comes first. My grandpa is loved by so many people. If you have ever been to Crown Burger in West Valley, my grandpa is the little guy that calls out the numbers for your order.

SO I guess my question is when do you stop fighting for him? At what point to give you up and throw in the towel?

I just hope that when he finally goes that he will know that we all love and will forever love him no matter all the issues in the family.

Family is going to start being top priority for me. I want my kids to have what I didn't. I want my kids to have a full life and look back on their childhood and say "Remember when?" and have laughter in their hearts and voices. Instead of the pain and tears I have.

Up & Down then back UP then back DOWN

I started this blog the other day. I was distracted and never got back to it. SOOOO here we go. I am currently at 196.0 this morning. Which is a little more than a pound in a week. I find myself consumed by the scale again. Which I know is not good. I know better!! Yet I still do it! I seem to be a glutton for punishment these days. SO as frustrated as I get you would think that I would throw the scale out the window? NOPE! We have them in every bathroom. SO what do I do??? YEP bathroom to bathroom to make sure the numbers are right or the same.

SERIOUSLY, Jenn!!!! I wanna smack myself up side the head. I have been a naughty girl and not been on the treadmill in over a week. BUT I have been active in the yard doing yard work. That has to count for something.

I have found that there has been a lot of stress in my life this last 2 weeks and normally I am eating my issues away. But I am starting to find myself thinking before I shove food in my cake whole. SO my brain is starting to train its self into not self medicating with the food.

Shaleigh my middle daughter has been trying to eat better and its so hard for kids too. They gain it so fast but they can loose it fast if they just make adjustments. Today she was wanting to eat something. I told her no that was not a good choice to have a turkey sandwich. She didn't want that because she doesn't like the bread. I told her that you can enjoy food sometimes but sometimes you just have to power through it and eat to stay alive.

Food is often used for so many other things than eating to live. I used to live to eat. I have learned that food is good and it can be super yummy but I have also learned about making better choices. You can still eat good food and it can be good for you.

Here is a trick I learned. Chocolate. I love it love it love it. BUT I figured out when I eat it, I crave it. I want more and more. BUT Dark chocolate doesn't have that effect on me. I can eat it. Takes away the craving and one piece does it. So try it and see if you see a difference.

Sleep is also something that can effect your weight. If we all lived in a perfect world and could eat the perfect food. Have the perfect partner that didn't snore and keep us up all night. If we have the perfect schedule and could work out whenever we want to. IF IF IF IF .... I guess life will never be like that. The only one that can make things happen or change is us. So Here is to CHANGE!

madonna I Deserve It

16 POUNDS LATER

Most of you know that I have lost a total of 16 pounds now. My current weight is 197.2 as of Saturday June 5th. I now have 8 pounds to go for my next goal. I am setting small goals for me because I am the person that will set a super high goal and then get frustrated that it takes too long to get to the goal!!! Then I give up. So I am doing it 10 pounds at a time. One day at a time. I think that the hardest part of this for me is the thinking before I eat and actually thinking about eating. I can go all day and forget to eat if I am busy. By the end of the day though I can tell that I haven't eaten anything. I am GRUMPY and just want to consume whatever maybe in front of me. Then I over eat to make up for what I didn't eat. Then I am pissed at my self for over eating and then I am GRUMPY again. I am trying very hard to be mindful of what and when I am eating.

I am also learning to take time for myself. As mothers and women in general we are mentally programed to take care of others before our selves. Since I have been unemployed I have had the opportunity to take some time for me. I tell myself each day that there is one thing I would like to do for myself and make sure that I get it done before the end of the day. Even if its doing something active. I have also not been so consumed by the treadmill. I still do it. But on days that I know I am going to be extra active in the yard or something I skip it. I don't beat my self up for it. That is another thing that I have learned is guilt gets me no where. I have grown up for most of life feeling guilty for everything that I did or didn't do. Its pretty much a useless emotion. The best quote for that is the serenity prayer. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference."

Most of you know how I grew up and a lot of the challenges I have had to experience. I say experience because that really is what life is. An experience that can often push us to the end of the rope. But If we take the time to look down there are people that love us and are there to catch us as we climb back to the top of the rope. It has taken me along time and A LOT of therapy to learn this. I think that my "CRAZY DR" would have to agree that I have grown so much and changed so much since I started seeing him. He tells me all the time that I have the power to write my own story. Its taken me along time to know that I CAN write the story about my life. Each chapter is my own chapter. I can make the best of my pages or I can turn the page and move on to the next page or challenge. I can also change the story that was written for me when I was young. I have the power to be the person that I want to be.

Weight is where I am starting. I have started other chapters but the weight is something that has ALWAYS been a challenge for me. I have never been a SKINNY person. I know that I will never be that SKINNY person. We are all built so different from one another. Our bodies work different. We think different, move different, learn different, we like different things and basically live different. Because that is the way that our "Higher Power" wanted it. It would be a boring world if we all were the same. We need to embrace our "JUNK in the TRUNK" or our skinny legs, curly hair, or whatever your fault maybe.

I was talking to a good friend of mine. Its actually funny how we met. We went to the same school but never knew each other. We have lived fairly close most of our lives but never knew each other. We met on MySpace because of a quote I had posted or a poem that I had posted. We talked via email for along time. After I think like a year of talking we finally met. I know it sounds weired because we are both girls and straight and were both looking for men. ANYWAY-- We ended up meeting and I instantly loved her. There was something about her that effected me. I am usually a good judge of a person or vibes whatever you want to call it. We have kept in touch through the years. Not often but once in a while I hear from her or she hears from me. There has been a time or two that her action have been out of line. I guess where I am going with this is forgiveness. Forgiving others and most of all our selves. I learned with her that you say what the issue is and move on. It does no good for you to hold onto that. Its kind of like fat. Sometimes we stay fat because of something that may have hurt is in the past and we need it there to protect us. Whether it be someone invading our personal space or to feel emotionally full for that moment. I am an emotional eater. I wish I could say that I get stressed and I can't eat. NOPE NOT ME! Nothing better to go with some stress than candy, cookies, chips or all of the above. This blog has helped me with the stress part. Its nice to know that I can vent. If someone reads it great, if no one does great. I get it out of my head and move to the next.

I know this is long but I have one more thing I want to say and then I will end this blog. Loosing weight or working towards it has opened many chapters to my story. More active chapters. I feel like I am engaged in life now. I feel like I am living. I am moving forward. Not running from the past but moving forward. My favorite song for that is called "I Deserve it" By Madonna on her Music album. Here are my favorite parts of the song.

"Many miles many roads I have traveled

Fallen down on the way

Many hearts many years have unraveled

Leading up to today

I have no regrets

There's nothing to forget

All the pain

Was worth it

Not running from the past

I tried to do what's best

I know that I deserve it"

Anyway thats not the whole song and there are missing parts but its the part that hits me hardest. I added the youtube video to my page.

Test's are not my thing!

Well as you all know I went to take the test for the Unified Police Department today. It was only a type test. I was nervous because I always am with test. Well Last time I took it I was at 40+ WPM and today well I got a HIGH score of 21 WPM. Are you freaking kidding me!! Even the guy giving me the test was like JENNIFER!!!! He has been the one to administer most of the test I have taken. There was no DO OVER or Try again. SO I was soooo sad and called Allan crying. I had planned on meeting the girls at CCI for Lunch today so I was so wanting to get a BIG FAT BURGER with French fries to drown my sorrows in. BUT I was a GOOD GIRL and didn't. I saw Subway and went there instead . But as I get out of my car I am not paying attention with my mind other places. I missed the curb and landed smack on my face! My toes were bleeding all over, My knee is all bruised and my hand hurts. My shoulder hurts from hitting it into the propane take holder. Talk about insult to injury. I guess it was more like injury to insult. OHHHH did I mention that someone say me!! YUP total PRIDE SHOT today all with in 1 hour of time. I go over to CCI and see the girls fix my toes up in the bathroom and have lunch. It makes me so sad when I go. I guess today I am just feeling not good enough. I guess the point is. I am proud of my self for not jumping on the fast food wagon or off which ever.

First Goal Accomplished

I got up this morning because my brain wouldn't shut off. I woke up to go potty and then just couldn't shut my brain back off. I decided to get up and get started on my day. Got up made an egg which was NOT what I wanted to eat this morning. But I was starving (just like Jen said I would start to wake up starving) Well I have hit that point. Today and yesterday. And the Doctor told me not to get on the treadmill without protein in my belly first. So down went the egg. Not a breakfast person at all. More like coffee and water in the morning. SO ANYWAY! I thought I would get on the scale this morning for the hell of it. Then I might get more excited about getting on the treadmill. I figured if I got on it and the number was still the same then I would want to get on the treadmill and if it was lower I would REALLY want to get on it. Well I have made it to my first goal. To be under 200 pounds!!! I was 199.2!!! Can I have a WHOOT WHOOT! That last 4 pounds just kinda fell off. I think that the Dr was right when she said "You need to EAT!" I was using more calories than I was taking in. Still loosing weight but loosing my lean muschel not my BMI. But I do have to say I am still NOT excited to get my butt on that treadmill. I just hate exercising. I know that once I do it I am ok and feel good and glad I did it. Its just getting on it!! Anyway I better hit the treadmill before I talk my self out of it. And look like this for the rest of my life.

Interview Day

I know I haven't blogged in a few days. Its been a world win of crap all week. This has been the busiest week ever!!!

Today I was down loading pictures off the camera and didn't know that there was one of me that was EVER SO FLATTERING!! Allan took it about a year ago. And boy am I a FATTY! The best part is that I am eating in this picture! So here it is!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it totally HOT! NOPE its NOT! I think it was taken last summer when we first moved into the house.YUCK!

Then today I go to this interview (already feeling like a dough girl in my white shirt!) for a Dental Receptionist job and the guy that was interviewing me was a very nice guy. He looked over my resume and asked what I had been up to. UMMMM I am on unemployment so LOOKING FOR A F***ING JOB!!! Sorry about that I am a little pissy. So anyway. He starts talking about me working at the Sheriffs Office (which I have found most people will interview me just to know what its like) ANYWAY--He said "did you dispatch?" I wanted to say " DID YOU READ MY RESUME!" OH by the way I had waited over an hour for this interview. I was 5 minutes late and was worried but it didn't matter because the interview before the girl ahead of me was in there for about hour and half. SORRY off the subject. When he asked me if I was a dispatcher, I said "Yes." He then followed by "You look like a dispatcher. You have the feel of someone who would be calm in a emergency." I am thinking "YUP that is what you are thinking." What he wanted to say is you look like a dispatcher because your Chubby. Dispatchers have a reputation for that. But its not always true. There were a lot of dispatchers that were thin. I gained more weight when I left the Sheriffs Office. The interview continues and it was the strangest thing I have ever been to. I was asked the strangest questions. I felt like I was being interviewed to be a wife for someone. There was a test that I had to take that asked me what type of car I would like best. A: Convertible B: Sports Car C: Mini Van D: Sadan. WHAT THE HELL! Anyway it was strange. The funniest part about the interview was I had NO IDEA what I was interviewing for. I have applied at so many places that I can't keep them straight. SO at the end of the interview he said "Do you have any Questions?" I giggled and said "Actually I do! I have applied for so many jobs I am not sure what I am interviewing for." He laughed and said "Receptionist, admin stuff." But there are no benefits other than dental and the pay was not stated because its up to the CEO and the experience of the person. So in my case it would be entry level. So don't keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Well as far as fat goes. I am still the same as I was the other day 200.4 which is fine with me. I haven't gotten on the treadmill this week. But I have been extremely active with yard work and life in general. I have a type test tomorrow for Unified Police Department for dispatch. So you can cross your fingers for me for that. :) I will be working on getting back on the treadmill in the morning before I go to the type test.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent :)