16 POUNDS LATER

Most of you know that I have lost a total of 16 pounds now. My current weight is 197.2 as of Saturday June 5th. I now have 8 pounds to go for my next goal. I am setting small goals for me because I am the person that will set a super high goal and then get frustrated that it takes too long to get to the goal!!! Then I give up. So I am doing it 10 pounds at a time. One day at a time. I think that the hardest part of this for me is the thinking before I eat and actually thinking about eating. I can go all day and forget to eat if I am busy. By the end of the day though I can tell that I haven't eaten anything. I am GRUMPY and just want to consume whatever maybe in front of me. Then I over eat to make up for what I didn't eat. Then I am pissed at my self for over eating and then I am GRUMPY again. I am trying very hard to be mindful of what and when I am eating.

I am also learning to take time for myself. As mothers and women in general we are mentally programed to take care of others before our selves. Since I have been unemployed I have had the opportunity to take some time for me. I tell myself each day that there is one thing I would like to do for myself and make sure that I get it done before the end of the day. Even if its doing something active. I have also not been so consumed by the treadmill. I still do it. But on days that I know I am going to be extra active in the yard or something I skip it. I don't beat my self up for it. That is another thing that I have learned is guilt gets me no where. I have grown up for most of life feeling guilty for everything that I did or didn't do. Its pretty much a useless emotion. The best quote for that is the serenity prayer. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference."

Most of you know how I grew up and a lot of the challenges I have had to experience. I say experience because that really is what life is. An experience that can often push us to the end of the rope. But If we take the time to look down there are people that love us and are there to catch us as we climb back to the top of the rope. It has taken me along time and A LOT of therapy to learn this. I think that my "CRAZY DR" would have to agree that I have grown so much and changed so much since I started seeing him. He tells me all the time that I have the power to write my own story. Its taken me along time to know that I CAN write the story about my life. Each chapter is my own chapter. I can make the best of my pages or I can turn the page and move on to the next page or challenge. I can also change the story that was written for me when I was young. I have the power to be the person that I want to be.

Weight is where I am starting. I have started other chapters but the weight is something that has ALWAYS been a challenge for me. I have never been a SKINNY person. I know that I will never be that SKINNY person. We are all built so different from one another. Our bodies work different. We think different, move different, learn different, we like different things and basically live different. Because that is the way that our "Higher Power" wanted it. It would be a boring world if we all were the same. We need to embrace our "JUNK in the TRUNK" or our skinny legs, curly hair, or whatever your fault maybe.

I was talking to a good friend of mine. Its actually funny how we met. We went to the same school but never knew each other. We have lived fairly close most of our lives but never knew each other. We met on MySpace because of a quote I had posted or a poem that I had posted. We talked via email for along time. After I think like a year of talking we finally met. I know it sounds weired because we are both girls and straight and were both looking for men. ANYWAY-- We ended up meeting and I instantly loved her. There was something about her that effected me. I am usually a good judge of a person or vibes whatever you want to call it. We have kept in touch through the years. Not often but once in a while I hear from her or she hears from me. There has been a time or two that her action have been out of line. I guess where I am going with this is forgiveness. Forgiving others and most of all our selves. I learned with her that you say what the issue is and move on. It does no good for you to hold onto that. Its kind of like fat. Sometimes we stay fat because of something that may have hurt is in the past and we need it there to protect us. Whether it be someone invading our personal space or to feel emotionally full for that moment. I am an emotional eater. I wish I could say that I get stressed and I can't eat. NOPE NOT ME! Nothing better to go with some stress than candy, cookies, chips or all of the above. This blog has helped me with the stress part. Its nice to know that I can vent. If someone reads it great, if no one does great. I get it out of my head and move to the next.

I know this is long but I have one more thing I want to say and then I will end this blog. Loosing weight or working towards it has opened many chapters to my story. More active chapters. I feel like I am engaged in life now. I feel like I am living. I am moving forward. Not running from the past but moving forward. My favorite song for that is called "I Deserve it" By Madonna on her Music album. Here are my favorite parts of the song.

"Many miles many roads I have traveled

Fallen down on the way

Many hearts many years have unraveled

Leading up to today

I have no regrets

There's nothing to forget

All the pain

Was worth it

Not running from the past

I tried to do what's best

I know that I deserve it"

Anyway thats not the whole song and there are missing parts but its the part that hits me hardest. I added the youtube video to my page.