What do you do when you know someone you love, who has been in and out of your life for so many years, is dying? Its hard to let go as it is when they are finally gone. But its hard to stand back and watch him be torn between two family's.
My Grandma died at a very young age and has been gone since I was about 8 or 9. I was so young then and never realized how much her death would affect the rest of my life. Well now my Grandpa her husband is dying. He has since re-marred 2 times. His current wife is taking care of him and all his physical needs. There is no question in my mind that they love each other and they claim to both be BEST FRIENDS. But in my heart, in my gut, I feel like something isn't right.
I am the oldest grandchild and have dis-owned, re-owned and pretty much ignored for most of my teenage and adult life. Its so hard when you love someone and don't know what the right thing to do for them is. I have hurt in my heart because where was he when I needed him? I was a normal kid as I see it. I didn't do drugs, I never drank until I was in my 20's and never even went to a bar until I was 28. However I was BOY CRAZY!
. Roberts family is as dis-functional as the next but they love each other threw it all. Even after we were divorced his mom called me still tells me she loves me. There were so many family's of friends that took me in that could love me and would say we will adopt you! But I felt like I was unwanted by the rest of my family.
Time moves and so many things happen through time. I could be here all day going on and on about what life was like. I get married and start having kids and SUDDENLY my family (dads side of the family) starts wanting to be a part of my life. Which was great but made me feel like I was never good enough until I started having babies and everyone loves babies. But time goes on and I once again I am in and out of my family. I never have felt like I have had a REAL family.
Holiday and such go on. I go sometimes years without an invite from my family. My mom is in California and it was too much money for us at the time to travel with small babies and Robert being the only one working so I could stay home. Most of the 12 years with Robert we were the ones to make Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays for our kids. Roberts family was hit and miss too. Life gets busy and things happen and time passes. Through my divorce I felt totally alone. Everyone seemed to be consumed about how he was doing and he was feeling. It was hard to just set that aside and know that I was going to be OK. With out my sweet Heidi HO I really don't know where I would be.
Now grandpa is dying and the family just wants to be together and spend time with him. But visits are limited and few and far between. I am thankful for the physical care that she provides him. She loves him I know that he loves her. But in my gut I just feel like she is completely controlling everything and everyone who is involved with him. I have always said my family is dis functional but there comes a time when you have to set aside all the BULL SHIT and let everyone see and love him. I know that I would not want to die knowing that some of my children and grandchildren had been pushed out and been basically replaced with someone else's family. In my eyes BLOOD comes first. My grandpa is loved by so many people. If you have ever been to Crown Burger in West Valley, my grandpa is the little guy that calls out the numbers for your order.
SO I guess my question is when do you stop fighting for him? At what point to give you up and throw in the towel?
I just hope that when he finally goes that he will know that we all love and will forever love him no matter all the issues in the family.
Family is going to start being top priority for me. I want my kids to have what I didn't. I want my kids to have a full life and look back on their childhood and say "Remember when?" and have laughter in their hearts and voices. Instead of the pain and tears I have.
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