Two Posts in one week!

WOW! Can you believe that in two days I have managed to post in two days. I thought this was a good time to blog about my shitty night last night. I laid in bed last night for 3 hours wishing I could have a cookie, a candy bar, or something sweet. I don't know what the deal was but I was loosing sleep over it. STUPID I know! I tried taking Tylonal PM to make me fall asleep and forget about it. Well instead of falling asleep I managed to get my ass out of bed and eat 4 fruit roll ups and WAFFLES! Even though I used spray butter and sugar free syrup, I still ate way too much sugar. I feel fast asleep right after that. I am so mad at my self and want to kick myself. I had to get up early to take KayDee to school today. I came home and tried to go back to sleep but all I could think about was my big fall down last night. I got my ass up, drank a protein shake and got on the treadmill. 35 minutes later and 1.5 miles I decided to get off and do some house work. I am so disappointed in myself and wish I could take all that stuff out of my body. I was doing so well. I know I can't get hung up on it but I felt like if I shared then I would be less likely to do it again.

Why do those cravings just take over our lives sometimes? Why is it easier for others than for some? Food sometimes has got to be like an addiction. RIGHT? Because last night I felt like a drug addict. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Nothing was going to get it off my mind. Now that I think about it, it does seem as though it is an addiction. DAMN! I thought shopping was my vice I guess I have two. I have no will power some times and it really makes me sad that I am trying to teach my children to have control of their emotions and their thoughts. Not to let things over come themselves and yet their mother is up at midnight eating waffles and fruit roll ups.

I know I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad or when I am celebrating something. But I thought I had more control than this. This morning I feel shitty physically and emotionally. My tummy is killing me. Hopefully that will teach me a lesson.

LIES LIES and more LIES!!

I was sitting here stewing about the number on the scale this morning. Then I remembered my last blog. I blogged about not caring what that number is. WELL I LIED! Its bugging me today. I feel like I have gone backwards in my effort to loose weight. I went to the doctor and told them not to tell me how much I weigh because I am trying to not focus on the number. But then caved in a few days later and got on the scale. It's easy to lie to your self when you don't know the actual number. I had to look, after I put on my pants that were my "FAT PANTS" and they were tight!! I wanted to cry that day. But when I got on the scale I thought it was going to say 220, I was surprised when the number was 202. Which is still WAY more than I wanted it to say. But felt good that my first goal gets to be loose enough to get under that 200 mark. Which is just 3 pounds. Then when I got on this morning (which I broke my own rule, I was only going to get on it on Mondays) and it said 204! What the F*%$! I was pissed. I have been working out, I know that has part to do with it. But it still pisses me off. Why can't I be like other people and just change all my habits and loose the weight fast. I hate you people that just think about loosing 10 pounds and its gone. What is up with that? Or the person that just stops drinking soda and 16 pounds gone! I have had one soda in 8 days and I gain!? Did I mention I hate those people that have a high metabolism and can eat whatever they want and NOT gain an pound. YUP I hate you all! Okay not really, I just wish it was as easy for me. I think I am at the point where I need another push I am loosing my momentum again. The first week is easy for me then I get to the second week and want to just loose a pound and that will keep me going for another week. But when I gain it just makes me want to give up. I am thankful for Lonnie she keeps me moving. Having a workout buddy helps me tons! Well I guess that is enough of my complaining I need to get MOVING!

I don't know what's right and whats real anymore

"I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear"

Do you think that sometimes we go along life thinking we know what we want, what we want for our kids. I am sitting here listening to music trying to clean up my office and got distracted with Lilly Allen "The Fear" This chorus is stuck in my head and I can't seem to get it out. I really don't know what is right or real anymore. I am just trying to take one day at a time one hour at a time. My mind seems to run into the next day, the next week, the next month. The what "if". Its hard to know what is right for your self how can this higher power give us all this responsibility for our self and then add little ones that turn into teenagers. And why the hell did he give me 3 girls!! I know I was naughty but come on cut me a break! All I ever wanted for my kids was to be happy. It seems that happiness comes with some kind of price. I would die for my kids and today I am feeling like I am not dying for KayDee. I am just struggling with what to do. Torn with do I just let her make the mistakes, I did? Do I just hope for the best? Do I just walk away and let her live with her dad? Is that the right thing? It seems like all the choices I have will come with some kind of a price of the unknown. I have been told she will come around. That I am NOT abandoning her. That I was a better mom than my mom (that came from my mom so I feel like its okay for me to share that), then why do I feel like as I drive down the street and she is not out having fun with us. I wonder every minute of every day where she is what is she doing? Is she happy? Will she ever want to be my daughter again?

I was told all the time when I was young that "When I am older I will understand". WELLLLL I DON'T!!!!! I know that I must of went through what I went through as a kid to understand and help my kids. But I feel like my sweet little BUG is just going straight down the path was going. I am happy with my life other than she isn't here. I hate that she feels the way towards me that I felt towards my parents. I just want her to be happy, healthy physically and mentally. I hope one day she will realize how much I love and miss her every day!

OHHH since this is about my weight... I lost 4 pounds! YEAH!

I think I just want to throw the DAMN scale out the window!

I really hate starting my postes "Well its been a while!" But it has.... MARCH! As far as weight goes not willing to share my "numbers" today.Right now I really don't care if you wanted to know, I am still not telling!!

The last few months should of been one of those days, but has turned into one of months! I know that there are so many people out there hurting and hurting for the loss of their child or the loss of a parent. For their sick child or whatever is hurting their hart. I think we all have our personal "Emergency's" Today,my weight is NOT my personal emergency or something that I really care about. I know that today I can't change it, I can't wake up and be that size 10 that I would love to be I am who I am and right now at this minute, June 22, 2011 12:26 am, I am okay with it. Tomorrow, maybe a total different thing. (ask me in 24 hours I might be thinking differently)Today I have no emergency's that can't be dealt with in time. I think we run through life just wanting to fix everything or everyone. (Well I was told today that I do that) My whole life I have just wanted to be part of something. Part of anything. Hell at some point I just wanted to be part of a family. I just wanted to be able to lean on someone to know someone was there. I think food became that someone or something. I look back at when my life became what it is today. I regret nothing, okay maybe somethings, most things I do not regret. I am who I am because of the steps that I took.

My daughter is struggling with a lot of the same things I went through. I want to just stick a band-aid on it and kiss it better!! Try to help her through it, but I am the mom and I am DUMB! I think I have learned the most about parenting in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 16 years. I have learned; I can't save them. I can show them the path. I can't push them to the right path. Even though I wish that I could just shove really hard, make them fall and hurt their knees; and then maybe they will have to look up and call out for mommy, like they did when they were 2 (not that I went around shoving my kids.)

I think we grow and have family's of our own. And leave behind old issues or people that were toxic in our life's at some point. I know that my parents did the best that they knew how at the time. I know I am trying to do the best that I can. Sometimes we feel like its not enough or what if? Just like regret, its all wasted energy, wasted time that we could be gathering positive energy from something else.

Those of you that know me and know me well, know that I see a "crazy doctor, a shrink or whatever you want to call it." For me he is my crazy doctor. Not that he is crazy but he helps me understand "my crazy". I use crazy very loosely sorry if your offended. Actually I am not sorry. This about my head and my crazy and chubby ass not yours. Well today was actually a very draining day. My horoscope said it all "Against the advice of your heart, your mouth is totally out of control. That means you may need to do some apologizing. Fortunately, with the look you'll be wearing, no one will hold a grudge." Did I heed its warning??? DO I ever??? NOPE!! Today I really should of. I just sometimes can't shut my "PIE HOLE" (as I tell Allan), Its like I know to shut up but my mouth and my mind wont work together. I had to even tell Allan today to leave the room because I have nothing nice to say. He didn't do anything wrong, I just sometimes get so fed up with everything, everyone suffers.

Shaun (my crazy doctor) has really become to me a friend (yes I have to really pay this friend to talk to me)but I have been seeing him for 7 years I think. I have watched or heard about his kids and some of his life stuff and I think of him as a friend. He is worth the money! ANYWAY-- This might be a rambling post tonight because I have a lot going through my head and a lot I need to get out. I have been keeping a journal and decided that this is a lot easier for me to type than try to write, think and remember and blahhh blahhhhhh! SO like it or not here it is for the world to see. Plus, I might just help someone that I don't even know feel like they aren't the only one who feels like this. "Fat, gross, and full of crazy!" More full of CRAZY today than anything. But whatever, one day I will be normal. (Whatever that maybe)

I know that this was suppose to or started out as my weight loss journey but I have decided this is just a my journey. It all involves my chubby butt. I think that some people think of weight or heavy people as a sign of weakness or a sign of laziness but I really think its just part of our make up. To me its my addiction. Or at least one of them. Food can comfort you and not talk back. It can make you feel full when nothing else will. We eat when we celebrate or we eat when we are sad. We should just be eating to live not living to eat.

I have a cute sweet friend (yes you know who I am talking about) who is about 100 pounds soaked in water. We went to lunch the other day and we were talking about weight. I told her that I was frustrated getting ready to meet her for lunch because she is this cute and a little thing and I feel like a giant COW sitting next to her. She tells me to shut up and I tell her the same and we laughed. She said something to me that really made me think. Yes, people I actually listen and think about what is said to me. Well unless its my brothers being bratty... hahah just kidding they know I listen because they usually make me cry ;) Anyway- my friend said its all relative to how we feel about our self. Or "our comfort number." Then I started to think about my cute mom who is the same tiny little thing and she worries about her being old. And I see her as this young M.I.L.F. Which in school I hated her coming to my school because the boys would always say "Is that YOUR mom?" As if I was some kind of ugly duck and that it was amazing I could belong to her. SO my cute friend that I love so much and wish we had not drifted from high school and had kept in touch all these years, is totally right. If you weigh 98 pounds, 110, 125, 135, or you are 21, 29 , or 50 its all just numbers! Its who you are in the inside and how you treat others. Who cares right???? "I know shut it Jenn we all know you care." I do care and it's truly hard not to. But in the long run of life, in the big picture, things that happen do they really matter??? Okay here is a good way to look at it. Like money, when you die can you take it with you? NOPE so when your life is over and you have lived your life to the fullest you don't have to take your fat ass with you... see YEAHHHHHHH!!!! In heaven you get to be whatever age you want... I think my age would be 25 and I would weigh 135. I don't want to be a skinnyyyyyy super skinny girl just healthy. Wouldn't that be nice, to just have that thought all the time. To think it doesn't matter today. There are much worse things to worry about. I would just hate to be the poor sucker that has to carry my casket!!!! So brothers work out your back's. Oh wait I want to be cremated. My kids will have enough ashes to share between the three of them and Allan if they want to have some of their own jar of my fat burned tissue, bones and all that yuck!

I really wish I knew where I was going with this blog, its just random things that are coming to my head. I have had a lot of thoughts and a lot of tears the last few weeks. I am not going to go into it because its really just to personal but I can tell you that I have ate 4 boxes of skinny cow Mint truffle ice cream. Not just 4 ice creams 4 BOXES!!! There are 6 to each box. I ate one for a snack, dinner and then a sweet snack later all in one night. Its funny how skinny cows can make you feel okay about it because they are 120 or 140 calories but when you eat them all in one day those kinda add up and so did the pounds on the scale. Poor scale!

Well I guess I better get to bed its 1:30 am and that's just way past my bed time. I am going to try to be better and keeping up on this blog, I really enjoy just rambling about really nothing. Plus, it helps get it all out of my head.

MAYBE, and that is one big giant MAYBE I will tell you how much of my weight I have gained back. Tomorrow though rain or shine I will be walking. OHHH and NO more crying. Its just wasted energy that just makes me tired.

Until next time ... Night Night...

Long time now write!

Well its been a while. There has been many ups and downs. I started this journey what seems like forever ago. I started at 218 (if I remember correctly) I got down to 182.... Yeah me.... Then I went back up to 196. I am hanging tight at that weight. Not too happy about it but its better than gaining more . Staying the same is OK, I guess.

I am finding that its easy to loose weight or easier for me when I am not working and trying to go to school. Its amazing how a bag of peanut butter M&M's can make you feel less stressed. I have learned a lot about my self and my eating habits. I guess that is a good step towards healthy living. I am learning I eat if I am happy, sad, just about any emotion. I live to eat! I know that reality is I need to eat to live and make better choices. Sometimes that is just not reality for me. It might not be reality for most people.

I can tell you this I feel better in my jeans, I feel better in my body. I might not be the weight I want to be but I am feeling better and feeling like I am who I am. No one has to love it no one has to even like it. I just need to be okay with who I am. Sometimes its easier to say and feel it. But it is becoming part of my life and who I have to be. There is so much to life and I am not going to miss out on life anymore. Fat jeans or skinny jeans, I will be in them.

I am starting again. I can't take back the time I have lost or try to hurry and loose the weight I gained back. So starting again is all I can do. I have learned a lot about myself and some of my friends. I have a few good ones. One that has been distant with me and that was my fault. I am hoping that this year I will be a better person and learn to shut my own pie whole. Maybe even shut it with an apple instead of a candy bar. :)

Hummmm now what.... ohhh TEENS! Yeah they suck. I love my children and would never change one thing about them. Well maybe make them nice. KayDee is going through some tough things and unfortunately she is going to have to learn the hard way. I have tried the "I love you and would do anything and give you anything." But that isn't working and its clear to me that she wants to go down a road that isn't the right one but at this point in her life there is only so much I can do. I love her but I have to love my other kids too. Tuff love is TUFF! Its hard for me to give it to her but I hope that one day she will see that I love her and would give her the world but she wants to be free and be an adult. Oh how these thoughts of my youth fly through my head and I realize how much like me she is. It scares me and you would think that I would have all the answers on how to make her better. I was asked last night by my sweet cute neighbor Amy-"Jenn, so what are you going to do?" my response " I don't know!" I really don't know. I have no idea where to go at this point with her. She is my child that I love with all my heart. She is my KayDee Bug. How much do I take, though? Her words of I hate you, I hope you die, I never want to see you again. Might only be words but they hurt like someone stabbing me in the heart. I am out of tears out of energy for it.

Well that was a little off of the "Fat topic". I guess I better get back to my school. Thanks for listening or reading.... Thanks for all of your support and love...