Its been a while!

I know its been a while since I have updated everyone on my fatness. So here is the scoop. As of today August 30th I am down 26-28 pounds. That keeps fluctuating. My pants have gone down a size, from a 18 to a 16. My shirts are starting to look like baggy shirts that once clung to ever roll on my body. Sadly my bra size has gone down a size or 2.

I look down and see parts of my body I forgot were there. I was laying in bed the other night and felt my pelvic bone sticking out. I said HOLY COW I have one of those! I kept touching it because I was so proud of it. Allan said "Stop touching it!" I am usually the one that says that to him AHAHAHAH! Its amazing how much better I feel not only physically but mentally about my self. I still have about 40-45 pounds to go but my first goal was to get below 200 and I am there!!! This morning I weighed in at 187. Which is less than I weighed when I did the HCG. When I did that I felt shitty. I was tired, grumpy and felt so run down. This time I feel better. When I went to the Dr last week she said I had lost 5.5 pounds last month. That was good news but the bad news was it was all lean muscle. So this week my goal is to drink more water, start back on the treadmill at least 4 times this week and EAT more protein. I know that I have been stressed out over this KayDee teenage bull shit and have just completely forgotten to eat all of my calories. Now that the kids are back in school and I have a little more time to focus on things I need to do, I am hoping that will help. I am proud to say that I have achieved 3 of my goals since April and that feels pretty good. First goal- get below 200. Second Goal- get out of the 190's. Third goal- 20 pounds by the end of August! CHECK ON ALL! My next goal is to be in the 170's. I find that taking it 10 pounds at a time it helps me focus on the long term goal better. I have also in the last week or 2 been able to cut my medication in half. I was starting to feel on edge and having lots of anxiety. My Dr told me that it was most likely that my medication was too high now and told me to try and slowly take it down half way. So its been a week of being at 40 mg from 80 mg. I feel better. Not so on edge. I hope at some point in my life I will be able to be medication free. But that might be something that is not possible for me. When I started taking it my sweet crazy Dr told me that it might be something I will need for the rest of my life even if it is in small doses. There is a history of depression and anxiety on both sides of my family (even though most don't want to admit it). To me its nothing to be ashamed about. Its an illness and some people suffer from chemical imbalance and some don't. Just like some people have to wear glasses and some people don't. I used to be ashamed of having to be on medication to balance me. Until I went off it one time and saw and felt what it was like without it. YUP I WILL TAKE THE CRAZY PILLS! I joke and say crazy pills and some people think that I am being rude or their feelings get hurt. NO I don't think that I am crazy or anyone else that has to take the pills. So I am sorry if anyone took it the wrong way. Its just me being me. :)

I am sure most of you heard that the girls talked me into a puppy. We had talked about it for a while and I kept going back and forth. My friend had said that puppies are lots of work and take a lot of time. Which was something that even though I am not working find I have little of. I had logged onto the Co-Animal shelter to just take a look at what they had. There was this face that I had to go see. I thought about him all day long and finally said OK girls lets go see this little guy. He is 2 years old (so not a puppy) He is a Yorkie Terrier is what the pound says. He seems a little bigger than a Yorkie. Amanda thinks he is a silky Terrier which really doesn't matter to me. He is just so cute. He has got some abandonment issues though. He doesn't like to be left alone EVER! Which is OK now that he doesn't smell like the pound. Some of you might even be shocked to hear that I let him on my BED! Something I said I would never do. But its hard to say NO to that little face. He is my little shadow when the girls aren't home. This will be the first day that I will need to shower and its like having a baby I don't know how I am going to do it. Allan took Sha to school today and Aubrey and I were still in bed and he started barking and ran in the office jumped into the window and started barking at them. KNOCKED EVERYTHING off the window bench AGAIN! Then he went and showed them and pooped in the basement. It seems like when we leave him alone he poops. Otherwise he has been so good about going out side. He will get our attention and head to the back door.

Allan spent the weekend making sure he couldn't get out anywhere in the yard. Since he seems to be an escape artists. I hate to lock him up when we aren't home and just let him be. But he is naughty and its funny he knows when he has been naughty. His tail goes between his legs, ears and face down. Its hard not to say OHHHHH its OK little guy. Allan has to be the mean one and tell him he is naughty. I do when I have to. But other than the day he escaped from his kennel and tore apart my house he has been pretty good. I am starting to think that we should of named him Shadow though! I can't even pee without him sitting in front of the bathroom door waiting for me to come out. But I am glad we got him. He likes to sleep with Shaleigh and Aubrey gets her little feel bads hurt. I try to tell her not to take it personal he just has a spot on Sha's bed that he likes. He will some time decided he wants to sleep with you too. I think he get smothered by Aubrey. She wants to touch him and be in his face and sometimes he just wants to be alone. Here are a couple of pictures. He has since got a little hair cut because he was un-even and Auntie Amanda fixed him up. Even with little bows :) I know he is a bot. But It was so cute. They lasted like 10 minutes he pulled them out.

20 Pounds GONE BYE BYE !!

I know its been a while since I posted. I have been struggling this month. Not that I have been eating crappy. Well maybe a crap food here and there but nothing like I used to eat. I have been struggling with eating enough calories to keep up with my activity. I lost 3 pounds in July and ALL of it was lean muscle mass!! Not good. I have been doing a lot in the yard. So I am sure that was a lot of it. But I just get so busy I forget to eat. Which is not good. So this month my goal is to not loose any muscle.

On the brighter side. I am down 20 pound and 4.5% of my BMI since I started this journey. I have learned a lot about myself and my body. I was at the dentist office the other day. We have been going there for along time and they are all practically family. I sit behind the desk and talk to the girlie's there. Well they are all on a loose weight kick. They had a scale and I just jumped on it. Didn't even think twice about them seeing how much I weigh. Because I think the number has now become a number and it doesn't matter how much you weigh its how you feel about the way you look. I still don't feel 100% good about my self but I feel a lot better. I also feel more energy and want to actually do things. Other than sit and watch TV.

I took KayDee school shopping the other day and I tried on some pants and I am down from a very tight 18 to a comfortable 16 which means soon down to a 14. I would love to just be a 10. Like I have said before I am not looking to be a tooth pick just a healthy weight for my hight and my body frame.

I have also been reading this book "Eat Right for Your Blood Type." Its pretty interesting. I am seeing that some of the food that is not for my blood type is food that makes my tummy upset. Like Dairy! Its pretty interesting I recommend reading it.

Well I guess I will get back to work or at least start to work on painting KayDee's room.

FINALLY!

Got on the scale this morning and I have finally broke threw the plateau 190.0 YEA!!!! 1 more pound to go and I have got to my second goal! To be out of the 190's!

I was watching Loosing it with Jillian the other night. SHE is one tuff cookie!! She was screaming in this lady's face and she yelled "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" I yelled at the TV "That I want to PUNCH you in your FACE!" I hear my kids in the other room start laughing. I think I might either break down and cry or I just might punch her in her face if her or anyone was screaming at me like that. I hate yelling. Though I find myself doing it sometimes. I guess its my way of saying "YOUR NOT LISTENING!" I feel bad when I yell but some of you will find that when your kids get to be teenagers sometimes its the only way to get your point across and even then you wonder if they heard you. I look back on all the naughty things I did growing up and see my kids doing some of them and all I have to say is "MOM, DAD and RICHANE I am sorry for being a bratty teenager! But you can rest assure that I am getting my pay back! I was just a boy crazy girl and drove them nuts. Now I have my very own Boy crazy girl! I think I have 2 more waiting to come out

and be BOY CRAZY!!!

Anyway--- WOW I got of track there for a minute.

I have started not only writing everything that I eat but the calories too. I have also been writing how many calories I burn on the treadmill. OK so to be honest I did it one day and that was yesterday. But I am doing it again today. I think it helps to know how many calories you are eating so that you don't eat too much or you don't eat enough. Its such a fine balance between the two. I really hate thinking about every freaking thing I eat but it helps. I figure by the time I am were I want to be I will just know and not have to think about it anymore. LETS HOPE!

I really have not felt deprived or hungry. I have had my belly growl because its hungry and I just try to pick something that is good for me instead of grabbing a bag of chips.

On our trip to California on the way down there we stopped in Elko to sleep and got a burger and McDonald's, talk about YUCK!!! I didn't get French fries I have not had fast food grease since April I think. I did have the low fat parfait so I didn't feel so guilty but boy did my gut hurt from that burger!! Then on the way home I tried it again. WHY I TORTURE MY SELF IS BEYOND ME! A burger just sounded good and when you are the road there is not much to choose from. And yep sure as shit my tummy hurt.

Traveling is not good when you are trying to loose weight. Driving I think is even worse. I gained

so much water weight that it was sick! I wanted to cry when I got on my moms scale and it said 198.5. Ok I actually did CRY! I had not seen that number in months and I did not like it! But I know it was water because as fast as I gained it. I lost it again. Plus I had on sweat capries and they left huge indents in my calves. It was like I was prego and the water weight was just there. You would push into my legs and it would leave indents. My ring was just re-sized from a 4 2/3 to a 4 1/4 and it was squeezing my figure!! STUPID WATER WEIGHT! Sucks being a girl sometimes. But then if I was a boy I

would not be able to have super cute shoes and purses!!!

Well I better get off the computer and get my butt on the treadmill so I can go see my friends baby and kiss his face!!!

No Energy!

I am sitting here on my butt thinking I should really get my butt down stairs and get on the treadmill. But I have no energy. I have been keeping track of my calorie intake because I am a stuck point of 191.2 been sitting here at that weight for a few days (except when I was in California and some how gained 8 pounds of water. I was so swollen that my sweats left deep imprints in my calves.) Anyway-- I have noticed that I am averaging about 230 calories a meal which is only 690 Calories a day (not counting snacks). So I think that explains the sudden stop in weight loss. I am not eating enough. I can't win for loosing here! I either eat too much get fat or not eat enough and stay the same fatty. Well at least I know what I need to do. I am going to go get my giant butt on the treadmill and eat more food!

Drivers License

Yesterday I had to go get my Drivers Licenses renewed. It was going to expire the next day. Talk about procrastination! On my way there I was thinking about my weight. Because I have lied on my drivers license weight for as long as I can remember. BUT not this year. I put the amount I weighed that morning which was 191. I hesitated a lot when writing that number. I thought maybe I should put the weight that I want to be at. Then I thought NO the person doing my license will think OH MY HELL she is so lying! Then I decided to write the correct amount so that I can look back and see what a chubby fat ass I really was and have prof that the day before my birthday my weight was at 191. Because I woke up this morning and weighed in at 196. NOT happy about that. I am so super swollen this morning. BLAHHHHH I hate being a girl! I am sure it had nothing to do with the popcorn I ate while watching a movie last night. :)

Well this will be a short blog today. I have lots to do. I will try to keep up on my weekly blogs on my weigh in days Tuesdays of every week!

One more thing. This picture of me and my Grandma Missy. I was almost one in this picture and today I am 36 years old. I hope that she is in heaven smiling down on my being proud of the person I have become. I love and miss you so much Grandma!

See it in the FACE!!

So these are the latest photos of me. Its almost 20 pounds later. I can't believe it! I feel so much better in my clothes. I still have about 35 more pounds to go to be at the weight I want to be at. I am not looking to be super duper skinny. I just want to feel healthy.

Allan brought in some summer clothes in from storage on Saturday. I had a field day going through them. They were getting to big. Where last year at this time I was having a hard time buttoning them up. I usually dread the UN think able of getting out last years clothes to see how much I gained over the winter. I actually went through all my cloths and everything was fitting or too big! I put it in a big pile and didn't think twice if it was too big or I had not worn it in a year out it went! YEAH me! Poor Allan! I hope he knows that once I loose my weight I will be going on a shopping spree. I agreed to buy nothing new to wear unless its a belt to hold up my pants until I have lost so much that my pants fall off. Wont that be a great feeling!!!! I can't wait.

Its funny how fast the weight comes on and how slow it takes to get it off!! I hate it! But That is part of life I guess. You get older and your body changes. I have always struggled to keep it off. This time I am KEEPING IT OFF!!!

Today I was sitting with Amanda, holding my sweet nephew Rowan I could just eat him up! Anyway we were talking about how we would like to suck this out and lift that up. I think loosing weight is going to cost me or Allan for that matter some money. My weight has come out of my boobs before anything. I hate IT! I have always been blessed with big sisters and I don't know what I would do with out them. If I loose them all I will just have to have some enhancements done. Which is super weird for me because about 7 years ago I had them reduced because they were so big. They took 7 pounds of the sisters. HOLLY COW that is a baby!

Anyway-- I lost my train of thought on were I was going with this blog. I was interrupted so lost all thought of what I was saying. I seem to be having issues with that lately. I think I might be getting old !!

10 pounds PURE FAT!

Weigh in was yesterday!!

A little disappointed because this morning I was at 193.0 and when I got the the doctor after 3 pm I was at 196.00 BLLAHHHHHH I hate being a girl for that reason. Why can't we just stay the same all day. NOPE we have to gain and loose gain and loose. It really pisses me off!!! She did tell me that being dressed and weighing in the later part of the day is a huge difference. So I felt a little better. But I am going to count my weight loss from my home scale. BECAUSE I LIKE THAT NUMBER BETTER! And I weigh in the mornings without being dressed. (sorry for the visual). I love this doctor. She told me my blood pressure was up a bit. I told her there were some family issues. She asked about it. I told her a little because its such a drama FEST that just gets me worked up. She told me that my grandpa's wife was a BITCH! It was so funny to hear that from her. She is this calm little hippy kinda lady and just super sweet. But I loved it!

Back to my FAT! So I have started to notice clothing fitting different. I don't have to suck it in until I can't breath! Its awesome. The Doctor told me that I have lost 10 pound of PURE FAT! And 8 pounds of lean fat. Which isn't want she wants. So I need to eat more protein and try not to work out as much or for such long periods of time. But she said this month I lost more FAT than Lean Fat. I lost 8 pounds according to her scale in the afternoon for the month with is a total of 18 pounds. But if i weigh in the morning its more like 20 pounds! I am happy with either number. Eight pounds a month is pretty good. 2 pounds a week. I am not wanting to dump the weight so fast because then it will come back faster and then some. I just want to make life style changes and stick with it. Last night I had chicken and brown rice for dinner and had a super hard time with the fat that was on the chicken. I wanted to throw up!

Its funny how things that you used to love like MAYO, just the thought of putting that lard on my sandwich makes me want to puke. I have always been a sauce person. Not anymore. YUCK! I have also not had a french fry since April. Even the smell makes me sick. Its funny how you stop eating those things you can totally tell how they make you feel after you eat them again or even the smell of the grease.

Fathers Day I had my family over for a BBQ and my Dad brought a cake over for mine and Andy's birthday because they are a few weeks apart and he didn't know if he would be in town. SO for the last week there has been this sheet cake with mouse filling and chocolate cake sitting at my house. That has been super hard! I would grab my fork and just have a "BITE". Left the fork in the box with the cake. Then go back and do it again. Pretty soon it was pieces of cake. I would take the frosting off and eat the cake and the filling. MMMMM Chocolate cake and moose creamy YUM! But not good for my BUM! Thursday was garbage day and the cake went with the Garbage man. I am OK as long as its not here. I thought I would be OK when my dad left it because I didn't want any when everyone was here. NOPE ! That cake was TROUBLE! And trouble is not welcome in my house!

Allan and I were laying in bed the other night. I always lay on my side and he will put his hand on my hip. All of a sudden he starts moving his hand up and down on my side. (NO THIS IS NOT A DIRTY STORY) ANYWAY you PERVS-- I notice that his hand is not being stopped by my rolls on my side. I said "Hey did you notice that there is no longer a roll their were you can stick your finger in, to hold up your hand there without effort?" He said "YES! I was just going to say that!" I still have ROLLS believe me but they are getting smaller and I can tell. I am even a little off balance when I walk sometimes.

Last night I was thinking about my friend who said her little boy weighed 10 pounds at birth. I thought HOLLY SHIT I just have lost 10 pound of fat that was the size of a large baby! Then I thought holly shit! I have lost enough weight for 2 large babies. Then I look at my kids and can't believe that I have basically had 2 babies in 2 months! That is NUTS! They were not 10 pounders but they were all 8 pounds at least. Aubrey is my tiny one and she was the biggest baby 8 pounds 14 oz and 19 1/2 inches long.... Short and chunky just like her mommy! Not now she is skinny Minnie and still short! I tell her that I like being short because when you fall it doesn't hurt as much because you are closer to the ground!

Speaking of Fat babies! But isn't he so cute.. I just want to eat him! My little Rowan and the other picture is of my sisters baby Aislyn, Aubrey is holding her and Julia (Allans sisters little one). Aislyn is a chunk too. But she is starting to turn into a toddler so she is getting taller and not so much like a chunky monkey. I just wish adult ROLLS were as cute as baby rolls! Picture of me was Thanksgiving time. That might be my heaviest at 218. I might look a little drunk because I am! Too much family from all sides at one time..... GOD HELP ME IF I EVER GO BACK TO LOOKING LIKE THAT PLEASE PUT ME OUT TO PASTURE! Amanda that is your job! You are the only one that will tell me the truth! Well until next time! I will try to write more often. It helps keep me on track. I just loose track of time some days!

Time goes on.

This really doesn't have anything to do with being fat or over weight. My heart is just feeling heavy today. I didn't sleep last night just so many things running in and out of my brain. So many feelings and so confused.

What do you do when you know someone you love, who has been in and out of your life for so many years, is dying? Its hard to let go as it is when they are finally gone. But its hard to stand back and watch him be torn between two family's.

My Grandma died at a very young age and has been gone since I was about 8 or 9. I was so young then and never realized how much her death would affect the rest of my life. Well now my Grandpa her husband is dying. He has since re-marred 2 times. His current wife is taking care of him and all his physical needs. There is no question in my mind that they love each other and they claim to both be BEST FRIENDS. But in my heart, in my gut, I feel like something isn't right.

I am the oldest grandchild and have dis-owned, re-owned and pretty much ignored for most of my teenage and adult life. Its so hard when you love someone and don't know what the right thing to do for them is. I have hurt in my heart because where was he when I needed him? I was a normal kid as I see it. I didn't do drugs, I never drank until I was in my 20's and never even went to a bar until I was 28. However I was BOY CRAZY!

. Roberts family is as dis-functional as the next but they love each other threw it all. Even after we were divorced his mom called me still tells me she loves me. There were so many family's of friends that took me in that could love me and would say we will adopt you! But I felt like I was unwanted by the rest of my family.

Time moves and so many things happen through time. I could be here all day going on and on about what life was like. I get married and start having kids and SUDDENLY my family (dads side of the family) starts wanting to be a part of my life. Which was great but made me feel like I was never good enough until I started having babies and everyone loves babies. But time goes on and I once again I am in and out of my family. I never have felt like I have had a REAL family.

Holiday and such go on. I go sometimes years without an invite from my family. My mom is in California and it was too much money for us at the time to travel with small babies and Robert being the only one working so I could stay home. Most of the 12 years with Robert we were the ones to make Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays for our kids. Roberts family was hit and miss too. Life gets busy and things happen and time passes. Through my divorce I felt totally alone. Everyone seemed to be consumed about how he was doing and he was feeling. It was hard to just set that aside and know that I was going to be OK. With out my sweet Heidi HO I really don't know where I would be.

Now grandpa is dying and the family just wants to be together and spend time with him. But visits are limited and few and far between. I am thankful for the physical care that she provides him. She loves him I know that he loves her. But in my gut I just feel like she is completely controlling everything and everyone who is involved with him. I have always said my family is dis functional but there comes a time when you have to set aside all the BULL SHIT and let everyone see and love him. I know that I would not want to die knowing that some of my children and grandchildren had been pushed out and been basically replaced with someone else's family. In my eyes BLOOD comes first. My grandpa is loved by so many people. If you have ever been to Crown Burger in West Valley, my grandpa is the little guy that calls out the numbers for your order.

SO I guess my question is when do you stop fighting for him? At what point to give you up and throw in the towel?

I just hope that when he finally goes that he will know that we all love and will forever love him no matter all the issues in the family.

Family is going to start being top priority for me. I want my kids to have what I didn't. I want my kids to have a full life and look back on their childhood and say "Remember when?" and have laughter in their hearts and voices. Instead of the pain and tears I have.

Up & Down then back UP then back DOWN

I started this blog the other day. I was distracted and never got back to it. SOOOO here we go. I am currently at 196.0 this morning. Which is a little more than a pound in a week. I find myself consumed by the scale again. Which I know is not good. I know better!! Yet I still do it! I seem to be a glutton for punishment these days. SO as frustrated as I get you would think that I would throw the scale out the window? NOPE! We have them in every bathroom. SO what do I do??? YEP bathroom to bathroom to make sure the numbers are right or the same.

SERIOUSLY, Jenn!!!! I wanna smack myself up side the head. I have been a naughty girl and not been on the treadmill in over a week. BUT I have been active in the yard doing yard work. That has to count for something.

I have found that there has been a lot of stress in my life this last 2 weeks and normally I am eating my issues away. But I am starting to find myself thinking before I shove food in my cake whole. SO my brain is starting to train its self into not self medicating with the food.

Shaleigh my middle daughter has been trying to eat better and its so hard for kids too. They gain it so fast but they can loose it fast if they just make adjustments. Today she was wanting to eat something. I told her no that was not a good choice to have a turkey sandwich. She didn't want that because she doesn't like the bread. I told her that you can enjoy food sometimes but sometimes you just have to power through it and eat to stay alive.

Food is often used for so many other things than eating to live. I used to live to eat. I have learned that food is good and it can be super yummy but I have also learned about making better choices. You can still eat good food and it can be good for you.

Here is a trick I learned. Chocolate. I love it love it love it. BUT I figured out when I eat it, I crave it. I want more and more. BUT Dark chocolate doesn't have that effect on me. I can eat it. Takes away the craving and one piece does it. So try it and see if you see a difference.

Sleep is also something that can effect your weight. If we all lived in a perfect world and could eat the perfect food. Have the perfect partner that didn't snore and keep us up all night. If we have the perfect schedule and could work out whenever we want to. IF IF IF IF .... I guess life will never be like that. The only one that can make things happen or change is us. So Here is to CHANGE!

madonna I Deserve It

16 POUNDS LATER

Most of you know that I have lost a total of 16 pounds now. My current weight is 197.2 as of Saturday June 5th. I now have 8 pounds to go for my next goal. I am setting small goals for me because I am the person that will set a super high goal and then get frustrated that it takes too long to get to the goal!!! Then I give up. So I am doing it 10 pounds at a time. One day at a time. I think that the hardest part of this for me is the thinking before I eat and actually thinking about eating. I can go all day and forget to eat if I am busy. By the end of the day though I can tell that I haven't eaten anything. I am GRUMPY and just want to consume whatever maybe in front of me. Then I over eat to make up for what I didn't eat. Then I am pissed at my self for over eating and then I am GRUMPY again. I am trying very hard to be mindful of what and when I am eating.

I am also learning to take time for myself. As mothers and women in general we are mentally programed to take care of others before our selves. Since I have been unemployed I have had the opportunity to take some time for me. I tell myself each day that there is one thing I would like to do for myself and make sure that I get it done before the end of the day. Even if its doing something active. I have also not been so consumed by the treadmill. I still do it. But on days that I know I am going to be extra active in the yard or something I skip it. I don't beat my self up for it. That is another thing that I have learned is guilt gets me no where. I have grown up for most of life feeling guilty for everything that I did or didn't do. Its pretty much a useless emotion. The best quote for that is the serenity prayer. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference."

Most of you know how I grew up and a lot of the challenges I have had to experience. I say experience because that really is what life is. An experience that can often push us to the end of the rope. But If we take the time to look down there are people that love us and are there to catch us as we climb back to the top of the rope. It has taken me along time and A LOT of therapy to learn this. I think that my "CRAZY DR" would have to agree that I have grown so much and changed so much since I started seeing him. He tells me all the time that I have the power to write my own story. Its taken me along time to know that I CAN write the story about my life. Each chapter is my own chapter. I can make the best of my pages or I can turn the page and move on to the next page or challenge. I can also change the story that was written for me when I was young. I have the power to be the person that I want to be.

Weight is where I am starting. I have started other chapters but the weight is something that has ALWAYS been a challenge for me. I have never been a SKINNY person. I know that I will never be that SKINNY person. We are all built so different from one another. Our bodies work different. We think different, move different, learn different, we like different things and basically live different. Because that is the way that our "Higher Power" wanted it. It would be a boring world if we all were the same. We need to embrace our "JUNK in the TRUNK" or our skinny legs, curly hair, or whatever your fault maybe.

I was talking to a good friend of mine. Its actually funny how we met. We went to the same school but never knew each other. We have lived fairly close most of our lives but never knew each other. We met on MySpace because of a quote I had posted or a poem that I had posted. We talked via email for along time. After I think like a year of talking we finally met. I know it sounds weired because we are both girls and straight and were both looking for men. ANYWAY-- We ended up meeting and I instantly loved her. There was something about her that effected me. I am usually a good judge of a person or vibes whatever you want to call it. We have kept in touch through the years. Not often but once in a while I hear from her or she hears from me. There has been a time or two that her action have been out of line. I guess where I am going with this is forgiveness. Forgiving others and most of all our selves. I learned with her that you say what the issue is and move on. It does no good for you to hold onto that. Its kind of like fat. Sometimes we stay fat because of something that may have hurt is in the past and we need it there to protect us. Whether it be someone invading our personal space or to feel emotionally full for that moment. I am an emotional eater. I wish I could say that I get stressed and I can't eat. NOPE NOT ME! Nothing better to go with some stress than candy, cookies, chips or all of the above. This blog has helped me with the stress part. Its nice to know that I can vent. If someone reads it great, if no one does great. I get it out of my head and move to the next.

I know this is long but I have one more thing I want to say and then I will end this blog. Loosing weight or working towards it has opened many chapters to my story. More active chapters. I feel like I am engaged in life now. I feel like I am living. I am moving forward. Not running from the past but moving forward. My favorite song for that is called "I Deserve it" By Madonna on her Music album. Here are my favorite parts of the song.

"Many miles many roads I have traveled

Fallen down on the way

Many hearts many years have unraveled

Leading up to today

I have no regrets

There's nothing to forget

All the pain

Was worth it

Not running from the past

I tried to do what's best

I know that I deserve it"

Anyway thats not the whole song and there are missing parts but its the part that hits me hardest. I added the youtube video to my page.

Test's are not my thing!

Well as you all know I went to take the test for the Unified Police Department today. It was only a type test. I was nervous because I always am with test. Well Last time I took it I was at 40+ WPM and today well I got a HIGH score of 21 WPM. Are you freaking kidding me!! Even the guy giving me the test was like JENNIFER!!!! He has been the one to administer most of the test I have taken. There was no DO OVER or Try again. SO I was soooo sad and called Allan crying. I had planned on meeting the girls at CCI for Lunch today so I was so wanting to get a BIG FAT BURGER with French fries to drown my sorrows in. BUT I was a GOOD GIRL and didn't. I saw Subway and went there instead . But as I get out of my car I am not paying attention with my mind other places. I missed the curb and landed smack on my face! My toes were bleeding all over, My knee is all bruised and my hand hurts. My shoulder hurts from hitting it into the propane take holder. Talk about insult to injury. I guess it was more like injury to insult. OHHHH did I mention that someone say me!! YUP total PRIDE SHOT today all with in 1 hour of time. I go over to CCI and see the girls fix my toes up in the bathroom and have lunch. It makes me so sad when I go. I guess today I am just feeling not good enough. I guess the point is. I am proud of my self for not jumping on the fast food wagon or off which ever.

First Goal Accomplished

I got up this morning because my brain wouldn't shut off. I woke up to go potty and then just couldn't shut my brain back off. I decided to get up and get started on my day. Got up made an egg which was NOT what I wanted to eat this morning. But I was starving (just like Jen said I would start to wake up starving) Well I have hit that point. Today and yesterday. And the Doctor told me not to get on the treadmill without protein in my belly first. So down went the egg. Not a breakfast person at all. More like coffee and water in the morning. SO ANYWAY! I thought I would get on the scale this morning for the hell of it. Then I might get more excited about getting on the treadmill. I figured if I got on it and the number was still the same then I would want to get on the treadmill and if it was lower I would REALLY want to get on it. Well I have made it to my first goal. To be under 200 pounds!!! I was 199.2!!! Can I have a WHOOT WHOOT! That last 4 pounds just kinda fell off. I think that the Dr was right when she said "You need to EAT!" I was using more calories than I was taking in. Still loosing weight but loosing my lean muschel not my BMI. But I do have to say I am still NOT excited to get my butt on that treadmill. I just hate exercising. I know that once I do it I am ok and feel good and glad I did it. Its just getting on it!! Anyway I better hit the treadmill before I talk my self out of it. And look like this for the rest of my life.

Interview Day

I know I haven't blogged in a few days. Its been a world win of crap all week. This has been the busiest week ever!!!

Today I was down loading pictures off the camera and didn't know that there was one of me that was EVER SO FLATTERING!! Allan took it about a year ago. And boy am I a FATTY! The best part is that I am eating in this picture! So here it is!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it totally HOT! NOPE its NOT! I think it was taken last summer when we first moved into the house.YUCK!

Then today I go to this interview (already feeling like a dough girl in my white shirt!) for a Dental Receptionist job and the guy that was interviewing me was a very nice guy. He looked over my resume and asked what I had been up to. UMMMM I am on unemployment so LOOKING FOR A F***ING JOB!!! Sorry about that I am a little pissy. So anyway. He starts talking about me working at the Sheriffs Office (which I have found most people will interview me just to know what its like) ANYWAY--He said "did you dispatch?" I wanted to say " DID YOU READ MY RESUME!" OH by the way I had waited over an hour for this interview. I was 5 minutes late and was worried but it didn't matter because the interview before the girl ahead of me was in there for about hour and half. SORRY off the subject. When he asked me if I was a dispatcher, I said "Yes." He then followed by "You look like a dispatcher. You have the feel of someone who would be calm in a emergency." I am thinking "YUP that is what you are thinking." What he wanted to say is you look like a dispatcher because your Chubby. Dispatchers have a reputation for that. But its not always true. There were a lot of dispatchers that were thin. I gained more weight when I left the Sheriffs Office. The interview continues and it was the strangest thing I have ever been to. I was asked the strangest questions. I felt like I was being interviewed to be a wife for someone. There was a test that I had to take that asked me what type of car I would like best. A: Convertible B: Sports Car C: Mini Van D: Sadan. WHAT THE HELL! Anyway it was strange. The funniest part about the interview was I had NO IDEA what I was interviewing for. I have applied at so many places that I can't keep them straight. SO at the end of the interview he said "Do you have any Questions?" I giggled and said "Actually I do! I have applied for so many jobs I am not sure what I am interviewing for." He laughed and said "Receptionist, admin stuff." But there are no benefits other than dental and the pay was not stated because its up to the CEO and the experience of the person. So in my case it would be entry level. So don't keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Well as far as fat goes. I am still the same as I was the other day 200.4 which is fine with me. I haven't gotten on the treadmill this week. But I have been extremely active with yard work and life in general. I have a type test tomorrow for Unified Police Department for dispatch. So you can cross your fingers for me for that. :) I will be working on getting back on the treadmill in the morning before I go to the type test.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent :)

Give me a WHOOOOT WHOOOTT!!

Well its Sunday and its been 3 days since my Dr's appointment. I woke up this morning worried because I had a beer and Apple pie. I not only had Apple pie 1 time but I have 2 pieces because Allan wanted his warmed up and with ice cream and I thought MMMMM that sounds good. So I said What the hell!!! Well I ran down stairs and I am down another 3 pounds and I am half a pound from being under the BIG 200!! I know that I am over obsessed with the scale, but now that its down stairs "hidden" from me I have to actually GO DOWN STAIRS, so I look at as a little bit more of exercise to add to the trip and the torment of seeing my weight.

Why we as women get so caught up in the NUMBER. Its just a stupid number and we all know that we fluctuate 3-5 pounds in days. I feel like when I get down and then go back up and then down again, its OK now. Because I know there will be a point were I will finally stick to the lower number and start the cycle over and never see that high number again. Unless of course I stop working on it. I hope that makes sense.

I am learning that I can still eat the foods I like but I am learning to make them a different way. Or find an alternative healthy brand. I have also fall in love with those FULL bars. They are really good. Allan doesn't like them but to me they taste like a small treat. The chocolate on so far is my favorite. I keep Nature Valley Granola bar stashed every where. In my purse, in my car. When I notice that my tummy is growling because I have become too busy to think about eating I grab one. Takes the hunger away until I can get home and eat something healthy, instead of stopping and grabbing a fast food. I am learning a lot about eating. Its important and you need it to live. But I think that is the key you Eat to live not Live to eat. Food is really something to enjoy but also be careful about your choice. You can still eat and eat good food. I sometime forget to eat because my medication makes me not want to eat sometimes. But after seeing my Dr she told me that its SOOOO important not to skip meals or just not eat. That was proven when she did the body mass test and I lost more lean muscle than actual fat. Your body will break down the lean before it will the fat if you are on empty because it takes more work to break down the fat. So ladies or guys if you are working out on an empty stomach, STOP!!! I am trying the protein drinks this week and see how that works out. I have to add strawberry's and bananas because it gives more servings of fruit and it takes like a treat and not PROTEIN! She told me to eat a egg or oatmeal also that is good protien when working out. But I am not and never really been a morning eater. I hardly ever ate breakfast so will see how this works for me.

Well thanks for all of you that give me encouragement and make be feel beautiful no matter my pant size!! Ohhhh speaking of pants. I bought some pants in March while I was visiting my family. I didn't try them on (I know nothing new for me) took them home and they were a little tight. So they have hung in my closet. Well I tried them on last night and they FIT!!! I actually had room in the waste !!! BUT since I am SHORT they were too long. I thought about taking them and having them hemed but you know what I am not going to be in them for long ( I can feel it) so I am going to pull a Heidi and just cut them off. :)

Well I better run I have to Aubrey off to her Jobbies thing and start my day. Thanks again for all your support!

9 Pounds see You later!!

Okay So I just got home from the Doctor. I lost more than I thought. Turns out my scale isn't as off as I thought. I lost 9 pounds!! I was so excited when I saw that . I am 5 pounds from my first goal. I lost 4% of my BMI but I lost more lean muscle than she wanted me to so I am now having to either drink a protein shake or a egg before I work out. I lost 5% lean body mass. Turns out that working out on an empty stomach isn't good for you. I always thought that if you do it on an empty tummy your energy will come from your stored fat. But that is not the case. It pulls from your lean muscle because its easier to break down. So I learned something new today!! She said that I will get better results by eating more protein especially since I have been working out. I love this lady!! I think she is going to be one of the keys to my weight loss. She watches me close and makes sure I am not loosing the wrong kind of fat or that I am not starving my self. She even told me that I have to eat more...... HUMMMMM Never been told that before!! This seems to be working for me and I am so glad its been a real process to loose weight. Its always been a diet and I am looking at it different I am making better choices and better choices are leading me to a healthy me. I am not looking to be a super model and weigh 110 pounds. I actually would like to be about 135. I feel like that is not too skinny and a healthy weight for my body type. So will see. But as for now .... SEE YOU LATER 9 POUNDS YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME ON THIS BODY!!!!

DR DAY!

Today is my appointment with my "FAT" DR ( she is not fat she just helps me with my fat). I got on the scale here and according to my scale I am down 6 pounds and stayed at that number for about a week. My scale says 203.6, the Dr's scale said last month that I was 213. But my scale is 4 pounds different. Anyway AGAIN with the numbers. I am worried that when I go she is going to be saying "Jenn your not loosing it fast enough." But I feel like I work pretty hard and I have made some HUGE steps and hope that she sees that too and not just my fat number on the scale.

I know that changing a life style that you have had most of your life is so hard to change at the age of 35, YES almost 36. But slowly I am coming around and making better choices when I eat.

Yesterday was one of those days and I didn't eat enough calories or food. I waited to long to eat breakfast and it ended up being lunch. Then by the time I got home I was so exhausted and STRESSED, I thought about just ordering PIZZA. MMMM the hot cheese and bread MMMM. BUT I snapped out of it came too and ate a granola bar to hold me until dinner. I did end up eating a little Mac & Cheese because I was lazy and had taken a zanex to calm my nerves and then just wanted to lay down and not move. I don't feel guilty about it. I think that is a key thing with trying to loose weight. If you slip up or you indulge in something that isn't on your plan, don't get so caught up in it and say "Well I have completely ruined my day. I might as well finish off the day with a 1/2 a gallon of ice cream and start over tomorrow." Move on in that moment don't beat your self up or you will find your self in this cycle of spinning back to old habits. That is one thing that I have learned from this life long journey.

I never really looked at food as an addiction. But it really is. There is no difference between picking up a cheese burger to make your self feel better, than picking up a beer or some drugs. they are both comforting you. Taking you out of the moment. Taking you from what you are feeling. There is a high with it. You are in control of it. Most of my life I felt out of control. But the one thing I could control, or so I thought, was the amount of food I took in. I would go through fazes where I would starve myself and then I would binge because I was starving. I was talking to a good friend today, who has also struggled with her weight, we were talking about those people that get stressed and can't eat. We both were like PASS IT ON OVER! If you aren't going to eat I will. I am such a stress eater. I have decided to change that. When I am stressed I am going to either go for a walk or Blog. Blogging has seemed to help me a lot. I used to think "who wants to hear what I have to say?" But you know just getting it out almost like a journal has helped me. I do love it when people make comments but really just being able to get it out of my head and on paper or computer has helped.

One of the challenges for me has been learning to eat to live instead of living to eat! I have also learned that you can have some of the same foods that you love you just have to make them a little differently. Sour cream YUMMMM but I actually don't even miss it. I love to have a red potato with a little drizzle of extra virgin olive oil and some Misses Dash seasoning tastes so much better to me. And I don't get sick after eating it. Coffee is another one. LOVE LOVE Dark Chocolate Mocha.... MMMMMM But I can still have my coffee I just make it with Light Vanilla soy milk and splenda. Its not chocolate. But you know I just thought of something I could get light Chocolate soy milk to add that touch of chocolate. HUMMM I am for sure going to have to try that. I love my coffee in the morning!!! I have also replaced chocolate with DARK chocolate. I know what you are thinking its still candy. But the thing I like about it is that you eat a couple pieces and the craving for candy is gone. When I would eat just regular milk chocolate I could eat it until my tummy hurt. Then left me craving more. The Dark doesn't do that to me. Its strange.

Well its time to hit the shower and get ready for the Dr. Thanks to all of you that listen and help me with ideas.....

Ramblings of My Brain This Morning

This morning I had to get up to take care of my poor little KayDee. She flew over the top of her bike and needed me to bandage her up before she went to school. I hate it when my girls get hurt. It hurts me to see them hurting. She is not the most graceful girl, she gets that from her mom!

Anyway--I decided that since I was up I might as well take the girls to school, which is something I hate doing! I hate all the crazy parents trying to get in and out of the circle! I usually wont take them to the circle if I drive them. But because of kayDee having a hard time walking I decided to. After I got home I thought, HUMMMMM I am going to get on the treadmill and get it over with. I didn't beat my time but I still did 3 miles in 59 minutes and total work out 62 minuets. I got off feeling disappointed in myself. But then I decided to change it around and make it a new goal. My new goal is to get up not later than 7 and get on the treadmill first thing. I know that I will feel better all day because its out of the way and have more energy.

I always thought that people were crazy when they talked about things in your life holding your fat on your body. REALLY?? I would think. But you know I really think its true. I recently faced some family issues that have been there for along time. Its too much to really get into right now. But I have felt like there was a whole in my heart for years. Facing those issues and filled my heart. I have chosen to look forward instead of backward. I have chosen to let go of all the pain I had in my heart. I am standing up to people that I have always been afraid to stand up to. I always worried if I did they wouldn't love me anymore. Turns out thats not true. They might not like what I have to say but they will still love me. Love is about loving with boundaries not conditions. Sometimes we just have to say it. Its not always easy but I feel that since I have been dealing with all this family stuff and trying to loose weight, its becoming easier. Its easier to love myself enough to know that I am worth being healthy and being strong both in body and in mind.

Loving yourself has to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. Its easy to love another person. But to love everything about yourself is hard. I think that we as women are harder on ourself than we are on anyone. We expect to take care of life for everyone around us. Alot of the time we don't even take 5 minutes for ourself. Being unemployed has given me that time. I keep beating myself up for my last job loss. But when I look at it from a distance and pull out the emotion I know that it just was not a good fit. There is a reason I am not working. I have never had a hard time getting a job. I know that I am worth hiring. I honestly think there is a reason I am not. Maybe its so I can have this time learn to love myself and get healthy. I am not looking to be a super model or super thin person. I just want to be healthy! I want to be able to have a healthy heart and be able to go for walks out side and not be completely out of breath from just walking. I want to get dressed and feel good about who I am. Feel strong in my mind and in my body.

I have come along way in the last few years. There was a time in my life that driving at night was scary for me. Forget about working.... I was so afraid to talk to people. Some of you have seen me grow or might not even know the things I have over come. I can over come anything I put my mind to. I just need to put my mind to it. Sometimes the anxiety gets me or slows me down. But I am working every day to face the fears that are put in front of me. I might do well one day and I might not do so well on other days. But at least I can say I am trying and trying is half the battle. Right???

Mondays = Procrastination!

Its Monday 11:16 am. I woke up this morning at 9 am. I know WOW thats sleeping in. But when you have an awesome husband to be that gets up and takes your girls to school so I can sleep in, its easy to do. I am not sure he knows how much he means to me and all that he does to support us while I am not working means to me. There are not many men that would do the things he does for me and my girls. They aren't his kids and he doesn't have to love them or even try to like them. He makes them part of his life even when they are moody little shits!!! Sometimes its hard for me to like their little moody asses and I am their mom!!

Anyway-- Back to point.

So I got up with all intention of going straight downstairs to get on the treadmill. I even took a load of laundry down with me. Went down there and forgot my water so had to come back up. And well here I sit still upstairs. BUT I did drink my water :)

I think sometimes just starting is the hard part. I know that once I am on the damn treadmill the first 15 minutes sucks but then when I am done and have beat my last time I feel awesome. I never get off the treadmill and say "Shit I shouldn't of done that!" I always am glad I did. I do always say if i don't get on it "Shit I suck and a lazy fat ass!"

I look at thin people and think "I don't get it? How do they do it?"Food has always been a comfort for me. I never drank alcohol until I was in my late 20's because I was a good little church girl. So the food was my addiction. I also know that I have a shopping addiction too. I am really working hard on that. But one thing I have notice that in my shopping I buy 2 things the most. Purses and shoes!! I am starting to see why those 2 items are bought more than anything that I buy. I know its because a purse doesn't have to fit any part of my body. I have a small foot so buying shoes isn't embarrassing when I check out and have a 6.5 shoe. I hate checking out when I am buying pants or any clothing. Thoughts will just run wild in my head. What will she think as she is checking me out. Is she looking at the size of my pants. Will she look at me and think FAT ASS Do something about it. I always look for the chubby checker!! I like to go shopping at stores like Torid or Lane Bryant because when I go in there they make you feel beautiful and I can wear the smaller sizes in those stores instead of the bigger sizes in the store. Torid is my favorite because the girls in there are so friendly and treat you like you are the only customer in the store. When I go, there are a couple of girls that just want to dress me up. I love it and feel like a movie star. But when I go to stores like Khols I have a hard time buying cloths there because I am so worried someone is going to see what size I wear and see that dreaded size 18W pants. Yup I said it!! As my heart was racing about the thought of telling you all my pant size. Part of my healing is being honest about every part of this journey, so I just put it out there for all to see. I think the more I share that maybe that will make me want to work harder and being a smaller size. I know that size doesn't matter and its how you feel about your self. But every time I get dressed I want to cry! I have some cute things to wear but I feel like a giant marshmallow!!! I see other girls that are bigger than I am and they were some reviling things and I think " Why can't I have that confidence? Why can't I just love who I am and not worry about what everyone else thinks or says?" I guess its just part of who I am. I worry. It runs in my family. My mom worries a lot and so does her mom and so on and so on. I don't want to rub that off on my children. I am afraid it already has on the 2 older girls. They both worry but about 2 totally different things. Shaleigh wears a jacket every where to cover up her worry. She will wear that jacket in 100 degree weather. But I know how she feels. I used to do the same thing. Even in my adult years. I always look forward to fall for 2 reasons. I can wear a jacket again and not have sweat in every roll that I own! The worst is the sweat under the boobs!!! I have always been big chested. Well not always it seems like the summer between 8th and 9th grade they grew over night. Then having kids they got bigger. My boobs were so big that when I was 9 months pregnant you couldn't tell because my boobs stuck out farther than my tummy. I had a boobie do! (My boobies stick out farther than my tummy do). I guess we all wish had something that we don't have or wish we had something else we had to worry about. In the end I know that we all have our struggles and trials. We are all given only what we can handle and its up to us to handle it all.

With that being said its 12:18 pm now and I am getting my butt down stairs on that damn treadmill!!!!

Free days....

Today has been a super hard day for me. I am grumpy and just want some comfort food. Yesterday I had a BBQ to go to. I made sure to get on the treadmill even though I have told my self weekends are free from workouts, but I have to remain active. (NO LAYING AROUND IN MY JAMMIES ALL DAY) I have also told myself I can have one free day to eat what whatever I want. I still try to not go CRAZY though!!! I haven't until Saturday.

Anyway-- I have been so good about not eating chips, cookies, cake, and trying to only eat whole wheat bread that had 90 calories for 2 slices. The BBQ was pretty harmless. OR so I thought!!!!! Until DESERT arrived. I am sitting at the table having a drink with Liz and snacking on chips here and there. I thought this is OK because I am just having a few and its OK to indulge once in a while. I had already seen what else was being served and thought "Its OK I can live without pasta salad and potatoe salad." I am not a huge fan of either of those anyway. I will just have some chips and some dip (I know what you are thinking DIP Jenn!!! Come on now!) but I really didn't eat much of it. So Liz and I are chatting up with her friends. Then it happened...... The desert lady came in through the gate. I call her the desert lady because I have met her several times and can't remember her name and she usually brings deserts when I have seen her. SOOO back to the point. She comes around the corner with this strawberry, whip cream, chocolate, fudge, cake GOODNESS! Oh wait there is more, in the her husbands hand there is some sort of cake that has layers of raspberrys, jello, whip cream and the crust is made out of Nilla Waffers and BUTTER! I remember thinking to myself. I can have a little its OK. Its my free day and I worked out today. I ate brisket with no bread, no extra sauce and some chicken salad with cabbage. Just so that I could have a little desert and not feel like I just destroyed my progress.

So waiting and waiting before I took that bite of desert goodness, I finally got up and made me a plate with both deserts. Just a average size portion. OHHHH MY HELL I thought I was in heaven. I think I might of been in a sugar colma for a while. My tummy hurt like no other. Its funny how your body changes when you stop eating SHIT. But did I let that pain stop me from a second helping!!! No I sure did NOT!! I waited though until the pain had subsided. I even went back for 3rds!!!! I know what you are thinking ... JENN YOU ARE NAUGHTY! ...... It was just so good..... And my Dr told me that if I am at party and there is something I want. "HAVE IT BUT ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT!!!!!" I sure as shit did!!! It was soooooo GOOD.

Was it worth it? You ask. NOPE!!! I say no because now today, I have no energy, I want BREAD or pasta or pizza followed by some chocolate. I have been good today and no given into my cravings. But I am frustrated because my craving were gone. I wasn't having them anymore. So now I feel like I am starting over and it pisses me off.... DAMN the desert lady (well not her she is super sweet but for now I am blaming her! ) so Damn that desert lady and her cooking skills!!! Damn my loss of will power. Damn my loss of control.

I have my weigh in at the Dr office the 27th and I am nervous about going. I hate the scale!!! I tell my self every time I get on it "its just a number Jenn, its just a number!" my scale at home is about 4 pounds lower than Dr's. I really need to get a new scale but for what??? So I have another one to hide from myself. So I stay off it every day!! I GET CONSUMED BY IT. I will weigh myself in the morning, in the afternoon, before I work out, after I work out and before I go to bed. Smart ????? NOPE!!! I know that because I am working out that i am gaining muscle too. I know I need to look at the inches and the way my cloths fit different. But we as women get caught up in the NUMBER on that damn scale. My guess is a MAN invented the damn thing!!

Damn MEN anyway. It pisses me off that they can loose 10 pounds by just thinking about it. Well most men can. I know Allan can and it makes me nuts! He eat shit and I gain the weight. How does that work? PLUS as I am writing this he is in the kitchen making F***ing banana bread! Thanks for the help yeah butt head!!

Well I am done with my ranting and raving. I am going to pick up the pieces in the morning and not feel like I completely blew it. I just wish the craving would go away!!

WORK OUT BLAAAAHHHH

I went to bed with this stupid head ache and woke up with it. The thought of getting my butt on the treadmill today is just nagging at me!! My butt tells me one thing, but my head hurts and is saying NOOOOO. And I want to be a little kid and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAA!

Now Jen B I know what you are saying. "You just have to do it as soon as you get up." That was my plan but I had to take Aubrey to school and then I got home and just didn't want to.

Yesterday I beat my time again. I did 3 miles in 60.15 minutes. That is the lowest I have gotten today. Maybe today my goal will be to just get my junk on the treadmill for at least a half hour. BLAAAHHHH .....

I guess I better since I am going to Olive Garden tonight with the girls. I am not even sure there is anything that is good for me to eat there... JEN??? Do you know??? You are my go to girl I hope you know....

Anyway sitting here isn't getting me any closer to the treadmill!

Being a girl!

Okay so I clearly know I have already blogged today. But After my work out today I felt so good because I had not only did it. But I beat my time. I did 3 miles in 61 min and did 40 crunches. I shaved off 6 minutes of my time. I was so excited and so sweaty that I ran up the stair to shower. Started the shower and was getting undressed and there it was.... the HORRID monthly gift!! Come on REALLY!!!! I have an IUD and have not had a full on "gift" for years. I had wondered why when Allan walked in the room last night I wanted to take his head off. How when the girls would talk I would tell them to shut it. I was sooooo MOODY last night.

Sometime I wish I was a boy. I know they are gross and hairy. But REALLY??? Why do we get all the crappy stuff? They get to worry about what??? The wind blowing wrong and getting a stiffy in the middle of a crowd?? All they have to do is sit down. Doesn't make them all crampy, moody, or bloated. I know what you are thinking we as women get to have babies and have that wonderful experience of being pregnant. WHAT THE HELL EVER! I have been there done it and it was not so pleasant. The throwing up, not being able to sleep. Having to pee at the drop of a hat. Feeling like you have to pee so bad you are going to burst, getting to the bathroom and the feeling is gone. And then there is labor! Yeah that was fun. A nurse told me once that the pain is there for a short time and once the baby lays in your arms you forget all about it. Well she lied!! I remember the pain. KayDee was late and I was in labor basically for 2 weeks. PAIN! I love my kids don't get me wrong but if their dad could of done it all, I would of let him ..

Motherhood is wonderful and wouldn't take it back but why do we have to be tortured with the monthly "gift" on top of squeezing a small melon out of something that has to be stretched out to have that melon come through. Let the men have some of the fun. Let them have the "GIFT" its one "GIFT" I would like to return. Do you have your receipt for your gift?

Heaviest I have ever been.

This was Christmas 2009. Yeah its a very flattering picture wouldn't' you say? I put this one up because I think that is shows how HUGE I have gotten. I was at my heaviest here at 216 pounds. Yes you read that right. At this point of my life I had given up. I have tried EVERY diet that you can think of. I have starved myself. I have taken every diet pill. I have worked out. I have eaten healthy. I even did the HCG. I seem to be able to take off some of the weight but it never comes off fast enough for me. I know that it take a lot of time and a lot of hard work. But I am a person that needs to see the pounds fall off. When I did the HCG was when I lost the most. But really 500 calories. Anyone can loose weight by doing that. I was so miserable. I was so moody and I would get so hungry that I would cry. My body was literary starving. I got down to 189. Which was the lowest I had been in YEARS! I felt good about my body. Well better. But I was mentally breaking down. The "Doctor" told me to stop taking my crazy pills. She said it was holding on to my weight and I would not loose it as fast as I should. UMMMM Yea NOT A GOOD IDEA! So not only am I starving but I am crazy too. I had lost my mind. Allan would tell me "Honey i love you for you. You are beautiful." But I didn't feel beautiful. I felt like a giant cow that had on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Well after that first 28 days of HELL. I went back on the crazy pills. Starting eating. But tried so hard to eat better and not eat out and not drink soda. The weight came back and I gained more than I had lost. I was back at 216. And that is where I am in this picture. a year later and fatter than before. Fatter than ever.

I hate everything there is about my body. Allan is always so sweet to me and never ever says anything to me but "Your super cute and I love you." Well it helps but when he puts his hand on my side and I can feel the fat crease that he keeps sticking his finger in and out of it. Makes me nuts. I tell him "Please don't do that." he says "what? " I say "stop touching my fat roll." Allan "But its so soft!" Yeah thats what I want to hear! Men... they try so hard but yet are so far off. But I love him and I know he tries.

So the picture above of Allan and I kissing is me a few weeks ago. I have been seeing a doctor to help me try to gain some kind of control over my weight. I hate being the fat sister, the fat friend, the BIG GIRL. I want to be able to feel ok in my skin.

For the last 12 days I have been trying to work out at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes. I have been trying to stay within 1200 calories. the doctor tole me that was what I needed to lower them too in order to loose weight. I am finding it pretty easy to stay within those calories. She told me to never deprive my self of anything. If its a birthday and there is cake, have a piece of cake and enjoy the HELL out of it. I have not been following a diet because that is a swear word. I have been making better choices. Being careful about what I put in my body. And staying on the crazy pills. I am on day 13 today and have lost and kept off 7 pounds. When I weighed in at the Dr I was 213 on her scale. Which was 4 pounds off from my scale at home. So I was more than i thought I was going to be. My blood pressure went through the roof. I have always had normal blood pressure. She was worried about it, it was so high.Its under control now I really think it was the shock of the weight and I was nervous about being at the Dr.

Anyway--- We have a white board downstairs by the treadmill and I log what I did on the treadmill and try to beat that every day by 2 minutes. Some days I have to DRAG my ass down the stairs to get on that dame thing. The Dr told me even if you get on it for 10 minutes a day, its something. So I talk my self into 15 minutes and then by they my drive kicks in and I end up doing between 40 -65 minutes. Whats my secret to staying on that long? Its called TRASH TV! Thank god for DVR. I have been surprised at how much I have learned watching some of it. I learned Tori Spelling isn't just a big boobed dumb blond. I learned that she is a very caring mom and has a lot of the same family issues that I have. I learned that Ruby is a beautiful person inside and out and not just the fat lady with a story to tell. I think I have learned the most from her.http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp Take a look for yourself.

Anyway- half my day is gone and I just realized that its 12:05 and I have not done anything. I going to try to blog every day or at least once a week. I have a lot of crap up in my little brain and it helps me to get it all out. I might blog about other things other than my weight and all my junk in my trunk. I may even mention your name from time to time. SO let me know if I piss you off by something I say....

Just a little background ....

I was born July 1, 1974. I was an unexpected pregnancy. My parents were at a young age of 17 and 18 when I was born. As most teenagers aren't, they were not ready for this tiny baby. I weighed about 6 pound. My mom is a very tiny person and my dad was a swimmer so he was fit. I was the first grandchild on my dads side of the family. So as you can imagine I was SPOILED ROTTEN. I have very few memories of my childhood up until age 12 or 13. I still to this day don't know why, I am not concerned with it at this point in my life. I have enough to deal with.

My parents divorced and both remarried. Life moved forward. My childhood was not a perfect one but whose really is? I lived with my mom for the first 5 years of their divorce. I don't really remember much about the day we moved in with my dad, when I say we I mean me and my brother Ryan. I remember the drive over and some of the thoughts going through my head. "Did my mom not love us anymore? What did I do wrong? If I promised to be good will she let us stay with her?" Knowing now as a grown adult that it was nothing that I did or anything that I could of done. It was all between her and my dad. It has taken me YEARS to realize that. My life is what it is. The things that I have learned, the mistakes that I have made, are what has made me the person I am today. I have NO regret in my life. I would not take back one tear, one smile or one heart ache. I am not a perfect parent, friend, sister, partner, wife, ex-wife or person.

I know that we are put here on earth to learn and grow and become the best person we can. There are trials that we all face. Some are harder than others. Some people with stand way more than I can imagine going through. After we (my brother and I) moved in with my dad, step mom and their baby, my brother Andy. Things were hard. I felt unwanted there. But as a child I didn't know the "WHOLE STORY" I didn't know that my dad moved my brother and I in when my step mom was not home and she had no idea that we were moving in. So to her surprise when she came home, she now had 2 other kids to deal with. They were building a house in West Jordan but were currently living in an apartment with 2 bedrooms. I was sharing a room with both my brothers. Andy was just a baby still in his crib maybe 1. Ryan was 7 or 8 and I was 10 or 11. I think that the weight issue started for me then. I look back at pictures of me as a child and think I was a pretty average kid. I wasn't fat I wasn't skinny. Just average. Well there was a pool at the apartment and I loved to swim. I spent many days at the pool in the summer. I am not sure at this point how old I am or what the situation was. It was back when 501's with the button fly were really popular. I wanted a pair more than anything. My dad was and still is very tight with his money. (which is OK I could stand to be a little tighter with my money) I asked my dad if I could PLEASE PLEASE have a pair. He told me that he would buy me a pair if I lost 15 pounds. Did I need to loose that 15 pounds??? Maybe but I was 10 or 11 for hell sake. who doesn't have a little baby fat still on them at that age. So off I went to loose that 15 pounds. It was summer time and Ryan and I were out of school. We stayed home and played. We were told what to eat for breakfast and lunch and we were not to eat ANYTHING else. That was ok with me because I was going to loose that 15 pounds and get those pants. Most of the summer I spent eating ice cubes all day and then eating dinner. Healthy??? No! But I lost the 15 pounds and for Christmas my dad bought me the 501's. Now I was pissed it was a Christmas gift because I felt that it was suppose to be a reward for loosing that 15 pounds and shouldn't count as a Christmas gift. But as I said before my dad was TIGHT with his money. Sometimes I thought that I would see cob webs in his wallet he was so tight. So I let it go and knew that there was no use in fighting about it.

Life moves on and we move to West Jordan into the new home. Weight for me is still an issue. I looked in the mirror and saw this HUGE person. But now that I look back at that little girl, I was FAR from HUGE. I was just seeing what I was told. I was fat and needed to loose weight. the pantry would be locked and we were not allowed to eat anything without asking. There were labels on things, such as marks on the milk to know the level of the milk and make sure we didn't drink it. Dinner time I was never allowed seconds but my brothers could have them because they were growing boys. I would sneak food when the pantry was left open and hide it in my room. Ryan and I got good at taking cans of food and walking over to Little Ceasers when they would do the food drive. We would exchange the cans of food for free crazy bread.

I never felt good enough for my dad. My mom was in the picture but only every other weekend. I really don't remember my relationship with her as a kid. I did know that I was not good enough, not thin enough and not smart enough for my dad. I guess every little girl longs for the love of her dad. I know now that he loved me he just didn't know how to show it. Anyway-- Life moves forward. I start babysitting and eating whatever I could at their house because I know when I get home there will be nothing to eat other than what they want me to eat. I start taking my babysitting money and buying candy and junk food that I can. I would hide it in my room and eat it late at night when no one could see me. Thoughts of stuffing myself and throwing up would go through my head and I would try to throw up but never could. I look back now and see I was hungry but not for food, for love. Food just took the place because it made me feel better. I started gaining weight but gained a lot of it in my boobs! Which was OK with me. Not for my dad. the boys started paying attention and I know it drove him NUTS!

A lot of things occurred in my life. I really don't want to get into or this will turn into a BOOK not a blog. I went up and down with my weight for the rest of my life. To me food became my love. It made me feel wanted, loved, made me feel full. What I really needed was love. Was a family that loved me for me. Not because I was thin, not because I was smart. Just LOVE ME!

I am now an adult and have learned many things about life. Its been a long journey but its not over. I feel like its just beginning for me. I have made many strides in my life. I have had many set backs in my life. The thing that I have learned that family can be anyone that you hold close to your heart. They don't have to be blood related, they don't have to be related to you by marriage. Just simply people being part of your life.

I don't know if my blog will just bore your or make you feel good about who you are. My goal with my blog is to put it all out there good or bad. If I can maybe touch someone who is hurting or let someone know that they are not alone or not the only one that is feeling the way they feel. I will have done my job. Plus its nice to know I can express what I am going through and get it off my chest.....

And so the Journey starts!