Creeping

I was unable to sleep this morning on my day off. Hubby snoring and racing thoughts are not a good combination. But it is what it is. I have been thinking for a while that I would start writing again. It always seems to help me with my weight loss. It's almost therapeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. It helps get my thoughts out of my head. Publishing it on my blog also helps me feel accountable for my chubby butt!
 I guess I should update what I have been doing with my life since I last wrote.My last post was in February 2012. So just a little while! I read a little of what I wrote and I think that at that point in my weigh loss I wasn't owning my number on the scale. I tried to ignore it hoping it would drop but it was a slow process. A month after that post I started a new job and it was hard to keep on track with working out. I have always had a hard time working out and if I could loose weight by being lazy believe me I would! So working, going to school and trying to manage a family is really pretty hard. There are many nights that I come home from work and don't move from the couch. I am in the home stretch of finishing school. Well finishing for now. I can't decide if I am going to continue with my degree and get my bachelors. BUT if you ask my kids they would say "NO MOM!" It is stressful and I get grouchy. It also hinders my weight loss.

 It seems like I have struggled with this weight for my entire life. I guess I really have struggled with it. I think at this point of my life it's more about feeling good in my own skin and not about what other people think. I feel like we all spend way too much thinking about what others think and trying to make them see that we are a good person and worthy of their friendship or love. At least that is how I feel. I am a people pleaser and what everyone to like me and can't stand it when someone is mad at me or doesn't like me.I am actually learning that I don't care as much. Not everyone will like me or not get mad at me at some point in my life. I am okay with that. I know that I am a good person and have a lot of love to give their loss!

 I guess the point of me starting this blog again is to announce my weight. I am owning the number now. It's not were I want to be or nearly close but I feel better about myself and want to keep working towards my goal. When I started this long long journey I was a whopping 213 or 218. At my lowest this year I was 178. This morning I was 186. I had a miscarriage last month and my body is still trying to go back to normal. (whatever normal is) I am not as hard on myself as I used to be when the scale goes up. I just try harder during that day. One day at a time doesn't just apply to AA. It should apply to us all. Allan (my hubby) thinks that it's crazy to think one day at a time. But i see it as a good thing. If you look at your past all time and dwell in past, how can you move forward. I heard this quote a while ago and keep it in my office for me to see every day. 
It's definitely a quote I try to live by. We should learn from our past but learn and move forward.

I have been so lucky to have had someone come into my life that has helped me learn how to eat better. Learn how to trade certain things for healthier things. She has inspired me to be healthier. I make better food choices. Don't get me wrong I make plenty of bad choices along the way. I have learned if I deprive myself I end up over doing it. the other thing that has helped the food choice I make is BRACES! My teeth were pretty straight but my bottom teeth needed a little help. Well I ended up with braces top and bottom. My bite is off so it makes it very difficult to eat things like BREAD! Which is one of my weaknesses. I guess being lazy and not wanting to brush my teeth every second of the day helps too. I can't stand anything in my teeth So I will decide how lazy I really am. Eat and brush or not eat it and not have to brush! I think I brush and use a water pick like 3 to 4 times a day sometimes. I went to the dentist for my yearly check up and was told that my braces are the cleanest they have ever seen!  I also did a round of HCG. I know everyone thinks so badly about that. But it helped me. I just needed a little push and that helped me. Once I started feeling the difference in my body and the way I felt in my clothing it has pushed me to keep going.

Like I said weight has been an issue my whole life. I don't remember a time that I didn't worry if I was fat. As I have grown I have learned that it's important to be thin, but only because of health reasons. I don't want to be a super model or weigh 105 pounds. I want to be healthy even if that number is higher than I would like to see. I have learned a lot about body mass and muscle weighing more than fat. I just want to be healthy and happy.

Last month I had my second miscarriage in 3 months, so i gained a little of my weight back. It isn't much only 5 pounds but I can feel it. I am getting back on track and hopefully I will be writing more.

This picture was taken in December 2012 a few months before braces.

This picture was take the end of June 2013. I can't believe the difference in my face. I never knew I had such great cheek bones! I guess that is it for now. I am hoping to check in once a week.

      

3 Weeks

Well I am 3 weeks into my new routine. I have lost 5.5 pounds and 15 inches total. Total of 10 pounds since I starting trying to loose weight. I am happy about the results. I haven't stuck 100% to what the book I was reading told me to do. I never follow anything 100% as I am suppose to. HUMMM I wonder where my kids get it??

I haven't been posting every day because I have really ran out of things to say. I know its a shocker.

Anyway-

I started out 3 weeks ago doing 30 minutes of cardio doing the circuit training. I am up to 45 minutes on the circuit training. It seems to kick my butt pretty good. I have been using the My Fitness Pal to help keep track of my calories. (APP on my phone) I think that has made the biggest difference. Its amazing when you are thinking about the calories and how many you have what things you go without eating. A lot of it is just not worth it. Like last night. KayDee came home from work with a steak salad from Costa Vita. One of my favorites. I had eaten all my calories and I knew I would regret it but I really wanted some. So I looked up the calories and to my surprise with the dressing it was 1338 with 79 grams of fat. I was totally not wanting it after that. I had my friend text me to go to get Frogert right before that. Though I really wanted to go, I just didn't want the calories added to my total for the day. I give myself a free day but I find myself not really going over the top with my eating. I feel crappy the next day when I do.

Allan told me that he was going to get me candy for Valentines day. I told he would die if he did. He just laughed. I had gotten him some candy because he has such a sweet tooth. We had dinner on Thursday and we both looked at each other and said "I need something sweet!" I looked at him and said "wanna break into your Valentines candy?" I ran to the closet and got out the candy. I read all the calories in them and had 2 pieces (1/2 the serving size) instead of what I normally would of done just ate until I couldn't eat anymore. I guess what I am saying is (A) Don't eat your husbands valentines candy before its Valentines. (B) If you think about what you eat and what is in it and if its worth the size of your butt.

What I learned this week, think about what I eat before I eat it. You can still eat crap you like to have you just have to watch your calories and not do it every day.

5 Days Later

I know its been 5 days since I have posted. Just nothing really interesting to post. I am excited to say that I have met a goal. I am in the low 190's! I think that the difference in my weight loss is that I am using the fitness pal. It helps me keep track of what I am eating and how many calories I am eating. I feel that when you are just eating and guessing what you ate you either go way over your calories or you go way under. For me it would be the under part.

I was watching the news one day and they did a study on a group of people. One group just cut their calories to 1200 but continued to eat what they wanted. One group ate high protein. The other group ate high carbs. But all ate 1200 calories. They all lost the same amount of weight. It got me thinking that I just need to eat 1200 calories and see what happens. I have been doing that for a week and seem to do the same and average about 2 pounds a week. I don't know why it just seems to stick to my body. I get so frustrated because all Allan does is think about loosing weight. I get so mad when he gets on the scale and looses weight. I work my ass off on the treadmill and are careful about what I eat and how much I eat. I give myself one day were I will go over my calories but only by 300. He eats under his calories and most times drinks his calories. It really pisses me off!! Freaking MEN!

Why is it that men have it so much better than we women do. We have the monthly treat. We gain 3-4 pounds in a night without doing anything different. We tend to hold onto fat longer than they do. HUMMM I think if it weren't for that ugly little guy between their legs I might want to be a man!

Well I wouldn't want to be a hairy man.

I was sick part of the week last week and I am hoping that I start feeling better. Its my tummy. I am sure its getting used to all this healthy food and less fatty food. I have to say I did have McDonalds yesterday. Its funny after not eating foods that are full of salt how salty things taste. My tongue actually really hurt from all the salt. I even had a tortilla chip and it was nasty to me. It was so salty that I didn't bother with the rest of my handful. I sometimes think that all I think about is what I eat and how much I work out. BLAH BLAH. I have become that person. I never thought I would be that person but you almost have to be or you loose track and before you know it you weigh 200 pounds plus. I have been watching those shows "My 600 pound life." It scares me that if you just let your self be consumed with something in your life that someone could become that big. It doesn't seem to be that these people are all over eaters or that they are lazy. It seems like there are deep emotional things that are hiding in that weight. It seems like they loose the weight but they are still unhappy. Its really sad actually. I feel bad for those people whether they are skinny or fat. I think that we never know what is behind someones face or what their story is. Its always best to think positive and just not worry about their business. I know that can be hard with some people. I know I have some people that in my life that I just don't understand why they are the way they are. I think no one will ever understand anyone. I have decided to just mind my own business and let them be who they are and forget about it. Well with that being said I am done with this post. Until next time!

Gain

Its been since Sunday that I have worked out because I have been sick. I went to the doctor today and she told me I lost 4 pounds of fat and gained 2% muscle. WOOHOO! I usually go and loose muscle. I was excited to know that I am finally on the right track. Eating the right amount of calories and working out. Looks like it pays off. I really have to forget about that stupid number on the scale and remember its just a number. I think we all get caught up on that stupid number.

Water! I have been getting my 8 glasses or more of my water in but it seems like I pee more than I drink! I am told your body gets used to it but its been 3 weeks and I am still peeing every 10 minutes.

My cute friend Heidi got me hooked on this app on my phone called my fitness pal. It helps you log your calorie intake and keeps track of your calories burned when you work out. It has made a difference in my eating. I know how much I need to eat. That has always been my problem is forgetting to eat or going to long without eating. This helps me remember to eat. I used to have an alarm on my phone that would go off every 3 hours to remind me to eat. But the alarm soon got tuned out. I am hoping I stick to this fitness pal. I even have Allan doing it. Not that he has much to loose. Plus men suck when it comes to loosing weight. They just have to really think about it and they loose it. He will most likely be 3 pounds lighter tomorrow. Men suck! Why is that they can loose it so fast? It really pissed me off.

Sleeping has been difficult for me the last few nights. Allan snores like a bear. I swear he never snored this bad in the past. I really don't know how he doesn't wake himself up. The girls say they hear him in the morning. I am going to go to bed before him tonight. Or I might have to hurt him tonight.

Monday Smunday

I don't know if I am having Monday blues or what. But I want to do nothing but cry. I know I have been trying to make it all positive things on this blog but honestly I feel shitty today. I feel like an emotional wreck. I had an interview today and it seemed to go well. He told me I was defiantly qualified for this job if not over qualified. He asked me if I would be happy with the pay. What the hell do you say to that?? I actually wanted to say HELL NO! It's five dollars less than I was making and I am sure that the benefits suck because its for a small construction company. Which is against my better judgement in the first place. I haven't had much luck in this economy with construction. For every interview I go on I have more hate towards my old supervisor. She let me go for reasons I didn't deserve and I resent her. I hate having this feeling over my head. I know its a waste of my time. What did KayDee call it??? OHHH that is right, STINKIN' THINKIN'!

There is nothing that I can do about it and I know that. I can't change it. I wish Karma would come her way. I know that isn't a good way to think about someone. I am sure that is making bad Karma for me. But its how I feel right now. I feel like the only reason she even has the job she has is because her sister is the controller. Here is the kicker. Last year when the W2's were being processed and mailed out. She told me that it was my fault she wasn't getting them out on time. She said that every year before she would get them out 2 weeks into January. Well this year they didn't get mailed out until 2 days before the deadline. HUMMM guess it wasn't me after all.

I guess I am done with my bitching for now. Just feeling frustrated with the job hunt and trying to stay positive about the whole thing.

2 Days Gone By

I can't believe its been 2 days since I posted last. Friday I had an interview and then went to lunch with Heidi. I came home and didn't feel very well. I don't know if it was something that I ate or what. But its now Sunday and I still feel crappy. Its all in my stomach. SOOO needless to say I haven't worked out since Friday. I got up this morning and was determined to work out and my stomach had other ideas. Maybe this afternoon I will be able to get on the treadmill.

I have another interview on Monday so I have to get up super early, so I will work out when I get home. I hate that I can't just stay on the same schedule. I am a creature of habit. I guess once I get a job I will have to change my schedule. I am hoping to get a job that I don't have be there at the butt crack of dawn so I can get up and work out before work. We all know how it is when you come home from work and have to work out. Most times it just doesn't happen. I am actually really excited about the last job I interviewed for. Its for the County and that means good benefits. But will see. This is a job that a lot of people want because its a Monday-Friday job. Which would be nice.Will see keep your figures crossed. I have had enough sitting home!

I guess that is it for today. Hope you all had a good weekend for tomorrow is MONDAY!

Post # 20

I went back and counted how many times I have posted and looks like today is post number 20. I know that I haven't posted every day but most day. I have to tell you I love all your comments and all your support it really does keep me moving.

Last Saturday I did my measurements and today I measured my waist again so that I could add it to my Dr OZ Transformation Nation. I lost 3 inches on my waist in 5 days! I am also down 3 pounds since Saturday. I thought today was Wednesday, I guess that is what happens when you have no job and can forget about what day it is. Anyway I was suppose to weigh in yesterday and didn't. I weighed this morning and was super excited.

Here is a funny story. (I guess I did weigh yesterday but didn't pay attention that it was Wednesday). ANYWAY- I am on the scale and Allan says "You know your cloths will add 2 pounds. You should take off your cloths and just do it in your underwear like I do." So I humor him and was shocked that it was true. Then he says "You should take your bra off because that has to add another pound." So I humor him. He laughs "Hahahhaha I just wanted to see if you would take it off and now I got to see your boobies!!" What a perv! But he was right your cloths add a couple of pounds. Boys are such perverts I swear!

I worked out today and its been exactly one week since I started this new work out on the treadmill. I have lost 5 pounds in 7 days. I wish it was 7 pounds in 7 days but I will take the 5 pounds! Its defiantly enough to keep me going.

Well I guess that is all for today. I need to get moving on laundry and house work. I love house work! ;) NOT

Tori and Dean

I swear the only thing that go my ass on the treadmill today was I knew I was going to be able to watch Tori and Dean. I think I might have a sickness because yesterday I knew I had one episode left on the DVR and I didn't know what I was going watch after that. When I turned it on the DVR to my surprise there was a new one added to my list!! Yeah! I thought the season was over but it hasn't ended.YEAH for me!

Well this is kinda a boring post and lame but I really have anything to talk about today. Just happy that I have Tori and Dean again tomorrow!

Tuesday

I went back through my post to see how long its been since I started all this madness. I started working out on January 3, which makes it 3 weeks today. It will be one week on Thursday that I started the "7 day Cycle." It really seems longer to me. I am such a instant gratification person. Which makes this hard for me sometimes. If I don't see or feel different right away I tend to give up. I am really trying to stay off the scale for a week. But I am a someone that likes to get on there daily. I have made a compromise with myself and I am only weighing in on Wednesday and Saturday. I am hoping that it will give me a little peak to how I am doing.

Today was hard to work out for me, again today. I thought I was going to die and I think the reason is I didn't drink my protein shake before I got on the treadmill. I had no energy. I kept talking to myself and telling myself I only had 3 more cycles to go. Then when I got to the last cycle I was about to die! But I kept going!!

I need to get some motivating things put up around the treadmill to look at and see my goal. The goal is hard to see when you are dragging ass. I am not asking to be a super model. Because lets face it they are just too skinny. One thing I am worried about loosing is my boobs! I have always been big busted and not having big boobs might be a little strange for me. Who knows though I might keep them. But I am sure they will get a little smaller I can tell my bras are fitting different. Now if my pants would start fitting different that would be even better.

Today I noticed that my "Tory and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood" series that I recorded is down to the last one. Then what am I going to watch. I need to start thinking of what to watch because tomorrow is the last one. BOOOO sad for me. I really don't know what my obsession is with this show. I guess it makes Tory Spelling look like a real person (only with a butt load of money).

Well I want to thank all of you that comment and support me and keep me motivated. It really does help. I guess that is all for today.

Cup Cakes, Cookies and Cany

The three C's I hate. I am totally off on my posting and I know I posted already today. I am really having a hard time not eating crap! I really want some cup cakes anything with sugar. I am trying to think why I want this tasty treat. I am not hungry, I am happy, I am not depressed but I am missing the shit out of Allan. Maybe that is it. I need a sweet thing to take the place of my sweet husband. I know SICK!!

I was hoping that talking or writing about it would help talk me off the ledge. I have decided that having a free day is harder the next day. I think you get that crap out of your system and free days get it back in your system. All it gives you is that rush of junk food and you crave it more. I was good all week with my cravings. But not today. I am going to power through it. Partly because I don't want to blog tomorrow that I caved to sugar!

Why is that when we want something and can't have it we want it more. Its like when you are dating and the guy doesn't want you and you really didn't want him, until he didn't want you. Then you really want him. What kind of scene is that? I guess referring to men as sweet delicious treats isn't the best thing to compare. Because lets face it when you are dating men are far from sweet. Most that I dated were shit bags! Nothing like a cup cake.

I think I have talked myself down off the sweet tooth ledge. Thanks for letting me vent.

Free Day Good or Bad?

Yesterday was my free of exercise and fee eating day. I was glad to not have to work out but it was hard for me to get up this morning and work out. I am sure some of it was that Allan hasn't been home at night. He is working at Sundance for the film festival and doesn't get home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't sleep well until he is home. I woke up tired this morning and just didn't want to get up and get my ass moving. But I did and glad I did.

So the food part. I ate good all day and waited for dinner to eat what I wanted. We had Papa Murphy's pizza, cheese bread and cookies. OMG was the bread the best bread I have ever ate and the pizza was the thing crust so it wasn't so bad. I had one cookie. But after I ate I felt like crap! I was over full, tired and bloated. BLAH! I have felt so light on my feet and so good after I ate last week I couldn't believe how crappy one meal could make me feel. I had read that you get to a point where you just don't want those foods anymore. I don't think I am all the way there yet but I think its pretty close. I just need to remember how I felt last night.

It was good while eating it. I think that I am looking forward to the rest of the week and the healthy foods.

Speaking of eating healthy. It sure cost more money to eat healthy. I can see why there are so many people out there that are over weight. Especially with the way the economy is. I hear so many reports about obesity being on the rise and child obesity is on the rise. Then why doesn't the food industry take a look at the prices. I went grocery shopping for 4 days and I spent 100.00. Usually for a week I will spend 150.00 on average. I am thinking that I want to do a garden next spring and try to save some money. It takes a lot of time and effort so I will have to see if I have a job or not. Hopefully I will I am tired of being home all the time. I feel like the longer I am out of work the harder it is to get a job. Anyway, that was a little off topic. I am watching Dr Oz and the topic is food addiction, is it an addiction or not? I really think that it can be an addiction. Especially if you are using it to comfort or as a vice to avoid a feeling. You crave it when you are in the moment of whatever you in. You can crave it when you tell your self you can't have it and you really really want it. I think that I have an addiction to food. I know that when I fall off my diet or healthy living its usually because something happened that has upset me and I just want to forget about it. The food helps me forget for the moment. I have learned though that the feeling or problem doesn't go away. Its still there. So what do you think? Addiction or not an addiction?

2 Pounds in 2 days

I decided to write today before I work out, for two reasons, 1. I have a head ache and I am hoping the Excedrin will kick in. 2. I lost 2 pounds in 2 days doing this 7 day-cycle. I was so excited when I got on the scale this morning because I figured I would of stayed the same because I am sore this morning from squats and figured that I gained some in the muscle area. But NOPE! I had been stuck at the 199 mark for weeks doing what I usually do. I guess there really is a science and sense to actually eating.

I told Allan the other day that I felt like all I did was eat all day. He replied with a man comment! "Yes you did eat all day!" Thanks honey for making me feel like a piggy. I guess if you eat the right foods though you can eat all day.

Yesterday I did sit ups, push ups, and squats and I am sore from that today. I only have to do treadmill today and I am thankful for that. Tomorrow is my rest day and I am so looking forward to that. I am really looking forward to next weeks weigh in. If I keep up this weight loss I will be down at least 6 pounds by next Saturday. I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch I know. But its exciting to think of me lighter and able to eat! I have been told before that you can't starve your self and I know that but its has been hard for me to get in the habit of when to eat and how much. I usually start the day with just a protein shake and then kinda forget about it until its late in the afternoon and then eat too much. Or even worse over eat at dinner.

I bought a pair of pants the other day because I thought that for sure I would be starting a new job by now. (But they have just been jacking me around) Anyway I bought them because I needed a pair of brown dress pants. When I looked at the size it said 18W. I thought to myself W means wide! I am so looking forward of being out of the W section of clothing. I know it means women but I know I am a women why can't they put something else. I don't know what it should be. We are all women (well those of us with a vagina anyway) why does there always have to be a label? My favorite is Woman's World! Just because we are the size of the world doesn't mean we want to be reminded!

I know there are so much more important things in this world to worry about that just my big ass. Like starving kids in Africa or homeless people without food or shelter. There are so many people out of work, like me. Life is hard but I want my ass to me hard too!

The girls and I watched "The Help" last night. I had seen it before but it was just as good the second time. I think its going to be one that I buy. It made me so thankful that I didn't live in those times. People can be so cruel! I know that there are people that are cruel like that still but at least its not tolerated anymore. I know I wouldn't be able to tolerate it at all. A person is a person no matter their race, religion, sexual orientation, or their size. I have been lucky that I don't think people look at me like "OMG look at that fat girl" I know there are so many people that suffer in their own skin. That lock themselves away from the world because they weigh 400 pounds or whatever their weight is. That makes me so sad when I read stories like that. I think its because I know how I feel in my skin and I have 61 pounds that I would like to loose and I can't imagine having to loose hundreds of pounds. I don't really know how I got on this other than I think we all need to put ourselves in other peoples shoes and see it from their perspective. Have some compation for people. Rather than judge. My favorite people are those people that judge then talk about the person behind their back and are nice to their faces. I love those people. Not really I know a few and sometimes its hard for me not to think bad thoughts about them like, I want to punch them in their faces. Especially when its me they are doing it too. Just be real and love people for who they are and if you don't like them don't be friends with them.

Anyway- Its been on my mind for a while and I am sure some of you reading this know the person or person's I am talking about. It doesn't really matter because it is what it is and they are who they are. I can't change it so I need to forget about it.

I am off to the treadmill. I most likely wont post tomorrow because its my free day. YEAH! Thank you to all of you that have made positive comments and are cheering me on! I love you all.

I DO!

If you read my blog yesterday, you know what I mean when I say "I Do!" I got up this morning got dressed and worked out. Well let me go back to yesterday. I worked out and ate the 5 meals that I have been instructed to do. It was hard. I am so used to just not eating or eating very little daily. I usually just have a protein shake in the morning about 9 am and then at lunch I might not eat until 1 0r 2. I might have oatmeal and then at dinner I eat whatever I make for the kids or eat whatever I can find that seems healthy. SO for me to eat 5 times in one day was hard. I felt like all I did was think about food. In the book he says that if you plan 2 times a week that problem is eliminated. Today I plan on making a list of food that I will need for the week and then making enough food to get me to Wednesday and then on Wednesday I will make food for the rest of the week. I liked that idea. I am not someone that LOVES to cook. I don't want to spend all day cooking what I have to eat. That is just too much kitchen time. With cooking and dishes. By the time I was done cooking and cleaning up it would be time to cook again! BLAH!! No thanks. Plus at some point I would like to have a job and then I can't really sit in the kitchen all day. Nor do I want I too anyway. Kitchen is for the birds. Or the kids :)

Today's workout kicked my butt. I can still feel my legs shaking. I do know that working out helps me make better food choices. If I work out I don't want it to be for nothing. I did have a hard time at night last night. I bought a YONANAS machines the other day. It makes ice cream out of frozen banana's and fruit. I made banana and berry ice cream. You don't add anything but the fruit. Allan even liked it and he is an ice cream fanatic. I thought it was good but I think I would leave out the banana's. Not that it wasn't good I just have a hard time with the texture of banana's. I thought that it would be different frozen. NOPE still nasty. If you are an ice cream fanatic I would recommend this product. I bought it at Bed, bath and Beyond it was $50.00. Worth the money.

I do get a free day and I am looking forward to the break from the work out. Part of my work out is walk 3 minuets, walk at a fast pace and then jog for one minute and repeat 5 times, which works out to be 30 minuets. I wanted to get off the treadmill the first time I was jogging this morning. What kept me going was thinking its only 1 minute, I can do anything for 1 minute! 30 minutes later I was done and beat!!! I am so looking forward to Sunday! I kind of feel like its a little cheating because I started in the middle of the week. But I figure I need to get on a schedule and its better than saying I will wait to start on Monday (like I do every other time.)

Well I guess that is all today. Hope I didn't bore you too much!

Never Just Try

SOOOO Yes I have been bad the last two days. Well not totally bad. Just didn't post or work out for two days. I tried to eat pretty healthy. Not totally perfect but it could of been worse.

Yesterday I was consumed with a book and that's why I didn't work out. If its worth anything it was a book about changing your life style and working out. :) The book is called "Choose To Lose" By Chris Powell. He did the ABC show Extreme Make over, weight loss edition. I have to be honest I never saw one of the shows but he was on Dr. Oz (yes I am a Oz addict.) I really like his book because its about changing your life not just a diet. He made a good point in his book. Diet isn't a bad word. Its something that we are all on. Whether its a healthy diet or an unhealthy diet. I liked that definition much better. I have said from the beginning that I am not on a diet I am changing my life style. That is what attracted me to this book. He has great ideas that seem to be do able. Not like some of these "diets" that are very hard to do and don't give you many options and require gyms or equipment. This book or his ideas are more realistic and do able. If you are working on your self and just want to feel better check this book out.

Something that was in the book that really stuck in my head was a quote. And most of you that know me know that I have never in my life seen a Star Wars movie or have a desire to. This quote was quoted in the book from Yoda he said, "There is no try. There is do or don't do." I thought how wise this little green guy is. (Yes I do know who he is) I thought how true this statement is. We always say we are going to try. Or at least I do. I never say I am going to do this! I say "I am going to try this for a month and see what happens." I never give my self the full commitment of saying I am going to do this for the rest of my life. I try to give myself that out by saying "Here is my short term goal." I never look at the whole picture. I have never looked at what the out come would look like because I am scared to let myself down. That must come from being a child and always being disappointed by someone in one way or the other. Chris Powell says to see the out come to see what it would look like to be and feel thinner or to feel healthier. To look at the big picture. He says to give your self a title of what you want to become, a triathlete, an athlete, a healthy person or whatever you want to become. I haven't decided what I want to be yet. I know I want to be healthy but I have always wanted to run in a marathon, but knew I would die if I did or at least fall over 5 minutes into the race. I know there are a lot of people that walk some of those but I want to be the one to run the entire thing and know that I did it. That I ran the whole way. I also want to be the hot mom. The mom that takes her kids to school and the other moms look at me like they hate me. LOL just kidding I don't want them to hate me, we all know I hate it when people are mad or hate me. I want to be more than a pretty face. I hate it when people say you have such a pretty face and such a cute personality. I want them to say you have a nice ass Jenn!!

Today I got out of bed with a whole different out look. I was tired and still wanted to lay in bed and sleep but I didn't. I rolled out of bed (which is something else I want to do is get out of bed not roll out) and got dressed, got my water, turned on Tory and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood and got on the treadmill. I know what you are thinking. Tory Spelling and Dean, Jenn what the hell! I can't help it I am addicted to it. Plus looking at her cute little body helps me stay on the treadmill longer. His treadmill work out kicked my butt. Its not a work out that you have to have a treadmill you can do it outside. I am just lucky enough to have a treadmill. All of his work outs are work outs that you don't need fancy equipment your body is your equipment, as Chris Powell actually said in his book. I think that the struggle I am going to have is eating. He requires you to eat every 3 hours. I am so guilty of skipping meals. He also says that people who are over weight aren't always people that over eat they are people that don't eat enough. That is me. I related with this book in so many ways.

So my new out look is DO! There is no more trying or not doing there is only do!

Dragging Ass!

Today I laid in bed for an hour just knowing once I was up I would have to get on the scale. I was not looking forward to it. I haven't yet said my weight because I hate that I have gained so much of it back. But I was 204 when I started and I am now down to 199.2. Hard words for me say. Hard numbers for me to say. I am hoping that it keeps me motivated. I know we all become so consumed by that number on the scale. I was bummed when I got on there today because I was down to 198.2 on Saturday. I know I ate poorly this weekend but didn't blow the whole weekend. Today I am going to make a list of meals for the week for dinner and go shopping. Dinner is hard for me, I am running out of things to make. I am running out of things the kids like. I also struggle with vegetables.

I go to the store and come home with good intentions. I just forget about them or don't feel like eating them. I get told or read so many books and so many people have so many different ideas of what right way is to eat or loose weight. I am so confused. I think my whole life I have been on a Yo-yo diet. I know that its not good for you body to go through the ups and downs. I know that when you do the quick fix diets you just end up going back to bad habits and then gain it all back plus some. I should be the spokes person or modle of what a yo-yo dieter looks like. You name it I have done it. This time I want a different result and a different out come for life not just for the moment. I wanna stop playing with my yo-yo!!! Bad habits are super hard for me to break, as I am sure they are for most people. Food is hard for me. I love to eat and I am a total emotional eater especially when I am stressed. I know what you are thinking "MAN she must be one stressed out girl to have a booty like that!" I have tried to just love my curves and just except who I am. But I am not happy in my own skin. I hate looking in the mirror. Yeah I know what your all thinking and saying because you all have said it to me before. "Your so cute Jenn and you always look cute." I don't want to be the cute chubby girl anymore. I want to be the hot friend. I want to be able to walk into a store and look at something on a mannequin and say I want to try that on and it look better on me than the mannequin. Shopping for me is not always fun. That is why I choose to buy purses and shoes more than anything. I have a lot of cloths but I hate most of them on me. Its really sad because I think about how much money I spend to make my self feel and look better but its just never enough I still feel awful about the way I look.

WOW, that was not where I was going with this whole blog entry. I am suppose to be thinking positive thoughts. But they are thoughts that are going through my head today.

Well I guess that is all for today. Hope you all have a great day.

Post 11

Yesterday I forgot to log on and post. OPPS! It was a pretty bad day as far as eating and working out. There was no workout and I ate M&M's from the bag while watching TV late at night. Man when I mess up I go all out. I am not giving up and saying oh well weekend shot to hell. Just move on to today.

SO today! I got up and got on the treadmill, did some strength training with my band, sit ups and push ups. The work out video is getting old so I thought I would change it up a little.

I have been stressed about this job thing. I feel like they just keep putting me off. Which they are. He put me off again until next week. I do have an interview with someone else in the same office for a different job. Its just a receptionist position but its full time with benefits and the other one is part time and no benefits. The part time one is more of something that I would want to do. But benefits are good. Anyway--I think that is part of my eating yesterday. I am stressed on what the best thing to do is. I also have moved onto the next faze of the jail job. That one would be interesting and has good benefits but shitty hours. I haven't even gotten an interview yet so I am really counting my chickens before they hatch. I guess I just hate not knowing and want to try to think about all the positives of all the potential jobs. Who knows I could end up with none. However, I am feeling confident that I will have a job by February. At least mid February. That might just be positive thinking but remember I am trying to do that more often. Its hard to look at the glass half full sometimes.

Like this morning I am laying in bed listening to Allan snoring like a bear. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to get up and work out. I had time to think about how much better I feel when I work out. I thought about the positive things of why I need to work out. Instead of why I didn't want to get my fat ass out of bed.

I got on the scale yesterday and had lost another pound. So I am down 5 pounds. I am disappointed that I haven't continued to loose a pound a day. I think it may have to do with my eating habits. I need to eat more and more often. Its hard for me to eat all the time I feel like that is all I do is think about food. What is the right food, what is the right amount of food. BLAH so much to think about while loosing weight. It almost becomes an obsession. I hear that it soon will become second nature. Can't wait for that to happen.

Well I guess I better get on with my day. Thanks for reading my ramblings and my side tracked thoughts.

Half Full or Half Empty

This morning Allan told me that I need to start looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. I was frustrated because the people I am suppose to have my third interview with keep changing the date. They are really busy and today I got an email that said he was sorry but he was going to have to put it off another week. But if I found something else in the mean he would understand and wished me the best. I guess I read it as never mind thanks for applying but I wish you the best. Allan had to stop me and tell me to re-read it and stop looking at the glass half empty.

I guess I really do with all things. I am a pessimist. I guess I feel like if I see the worst and it turns out bad I wont be disappointed. If it turns out good then YEAH! Here is my first positive thought. I haven't lost weight since Monday but I haven't gained any either! (I KNOW I AM NOT SUPPOSE TO BE ON THE SCALE UNTIL MONDAY) I have stayed the same. I am still under the big old 200 mark. Yeah for that! Well I didn't work out yesterday but I ate well. I have noticed though that I need to eat more and more often. Today I started out with a protein shake and at 11 I will have some oatmeal or scrambled eggs. Its lunch that I get caught up on. I wont eat again until dinner. I need to be eating breakfast, snack lunch, snack and then dinner. I am going to work on that and see what happens. I did work out today. It totally kicked my ass!! I think I am going to change it up and do the treadmill next week. I heard somewhere that if you change it up and trick your body you get faster or better results. I guess that is all for today. Thank you to all of you that keep me inspired and actually read my ramblings.

Work out SMURKOUT!

I am having a hard time getting my ass down stairs to work out. I know that means I really need to. I just don't wannnnnnaaa. Instead I am sitting here watching The Price is Right. Don't judge! My kids already tell me grandmas watch that show!

I am frustrated too at the people that want me to come in for a third interview. They keep putting me off. The partners can't seem to get all together at once. It makes me wonder if they really want me to come in. My interview was suppose to be on Monday and its now Thursday! He said he would get back to me yesterday and I have yet to hear from him. Its frustrating.

I guess this didn't really have much to do with working out other than I don't want to. I am going to at least get on the treadmill or at least that is my plan. I will let you know tomorrow if I make it.

I work out!!!! WIggle Wiggle

Wiggle Wiggle, is what I felt like as I was working out. Man today kicked my butt. I had a harder time working out today than I did yesterday. I am a little nervous because I am suppose to move to the next level of DVDs on Monday. This one is still kicking my ass. The thought of working out now doesn't make me go AWWW SUCK! I don't wannnnnaaa do it. I actually look forward to doing it. However, today I was wanting to stop. I might have to change it up and get on the treadmill tomorrow. I just need to stay active.

I did get on the scale AGAIN today. I swear I have no will power. I lost 1.2 pounds. I am going to have Allan hide it from me and not let me have it until Monday. I was surprised at my loss because I was emotional eating yesterday. I have been waiting for this job interview to happen. One of the owners is trying to get 3 other partners together at the same time and isn't having any luck. I was frustrated because I would like to get it over with and find out if I got the job. I did try to eat healthy but last night I had cheesy toast (on white bread). I know that was a bad one. I am not going to dwell on it and give up. I am just going to move on and do better today. I haven't blown it. I think that sometimes we get caught up in the one mistake. We often think that since we ate something that wasn't healthy that we blew the whole day or week and give up and start over either the next day or the next Monday. Am I right? You know I am. We can't let that yummy cheesy toast come between us and our goals. I know that the cheesy toast was a bad choice but I think of all the good choices I made the whole day. I know that sometimes its hard to over look the bad and see the good. Most times the good out weigh the bad. Man, I am full of positiveness today. My crazy doctor would be so proud! Here is a positive from yesterday, I didn't have a diet coke! I actually really haven't craved one. The love maybe going away. It has been a long love affair but its time to move onto something else. Like water!! I have realized that I wasn't drinking any water on some days. I would add lots of ice and figured that when it melted into the coke that would count as some water. I know duh Jenn!!

Well I guess I better wrap up this rambling and get to blow drying my hair. Those of you that know me and my hair will be a curly mess if I don't do it soon!

Day 9 of work outs!!

Man I am tired today. I am sure being out late with the girls at BUNKO didn't help. But it was fun and nice to get out of the house.

I defiantly see the difference in the way I work out when I am tired. I tried to sleep in a little but as soon as my eyes open that is it for me. My brain turns on and I am done. Its like a switch, brain on running thoughts here they come. Anyway-- I managed to pull my way through the work out even though all I wanted to do was stop. What motivated me was when I looked down and saw my jelly roll. I really hate that belly.

I did get on the scale today even though I said I wouldn't and I was MAD! I didn't change one bit. I really need to stay off that stupid thing! What I need to do is hide it. Well have Allan hide it from me. I am addicted to it. I am person that needs instant gratification. I need to see it now. I know that I am building muscle as well as burning fat but I would like the number to go down! I know what you are thinking and if you have read some of my posts in the past, I said I didn't care about the number. I LIED! I do care! That number means weight loss. Now I know that when you gain muscle you loose fat and muscle weighs more than fat... BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Just let those numbers drop from me. It motivates me. I think that is why I was so motivated that first week because I lost a pound a day. STUPID SCALE!

This week my challenge is not have diet cokeall week. I have done pretty good I haven't had one since Sunday. I haven't even craved it. However, I haven't been able to give up my coffee. That one will be hard to kick if I even kick it. I always use no sure sweeteners and sweet and low or Triva to sweeten it. I count it as my calorie intake. Will see. If I get to a point where I am not loosing I will try it and see what happens.

Well I better get off to the shower I am stinky!